|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:20:16 GMT
Here's my attempt at polishing up Gonta's two:
Name: Eliza Bright
Talent: Ultimate Ventriloquist
Quote: "All dolled up!"
Bio: Eliza enjoyed playing with dolls as a kid. She was enthralled by the beauty of a humanoid figure that she could manipulate to her every whim. She was very shy and quiet around the other kids at school, so her parents grew concerned for her well-being. But she decided to channel her meek disposition into a creative outlet with her talking puppets. She quickly became the talk of the town when she put on her ventriloquist acts at the local talent shows! Her parents encouraged her passion when they saw the personas that erupted from the puppets. The feeling of absolute control over another was breath-taking to her. Now she spends her days and nights practicing new voices.
Name: Albert Golden
Talent: Ultimate Dentist
Quote: “Open Wide!”
Bio: Albert grew up with a fascination for teeth. Most people hated going to the dentist, but it was Albert’s favorite time of the year! The love of teeth followed him into his teen years where he studied up on everything he could to learn more about he strong, ivory bone. Molars, cuspids, incisors--you name it, Albert knew all about it. He never understood why so many people in the world could go without flossing their teeth every day! He was determined to change the world, and clean the mouths of millions, so Albert opened up his own dentistry office. One by one, he would save the world. One by one, mouths would be cleaned.
For Albert, I'm thinking of changing "millions" to "thousands" unless he's the only dentist in a huge town xD
This is also my seal of approval for the Ultimate Beekeeper idea; give me some time to think about what I should put for it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Gonta Gokuhara on Aug 20, 2018 21:20:44 GMT
LEt's try this one: Need to for Name: Emmett Hayes Talent: Ultimate Ventriloquist Quote: "You talking to me?" Bio: Emmett never had many friends as a kid. He spent many days alone on the playground talking to his imaginary friends, but then his grandmother bought him a ventriloquist dummy for Christmas. Soon he found solace in creating different personalities and characters as his dummy collection grew. After showcasing his newfound talent at the local talent show, Emmett became a lot more popular. Soon after he began performing for various government officials and celebrities; he even once performed for the Prime Minister! His shows sell out everywhere he goes, and he's even preparing for an international tour. He loves all of his dummies, but his favorite will always be his first. So much better!!  |
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:21:03 GMT
The last two weren't loaded when I posted that; let me look them over.
|
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:23:18 GMT
Let's use Gundham's version of the Ultimate Ventriloquist one. Gonta's for Ultimate Beekeeper I like.
|
|
|
|
Post by Gonta Gokuhara on Aug 20, 2018 21:24:51 GMT
Let's use Gundham's version of the Ultimate Ventriloquist one. Gonta's for Ultimate Beekeeper I like. I agree with Gundham's Ventrioloquist. Please feel free to rewrite my beekeeper. I can tell it needs tweaked a bit, Gonta just isn't good at telling stories =[. I figured I'd at least start writing and then others can change it as much as they want so we at least get ball rolling. |
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 21:28:54 GMT
Also feel free to propose better quotes. Any aspect may be enough to give us away
|
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:29:13 GMT
How do you like my rewrite of the dentist one, while I think of how to redo your beekeeper one?
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 21:30:21 GMT
Might make a few tweaks to the Ultimate Beekeeper, but the general structure seems good.
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 21:32:13 GMT
Hmmm....I didn't look too closely at the retooling of the dentist one. It works for the first half but feels a bit samey near the end? Do the others share that structure?
|
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:34:18 GMT
Name: Lindsay Zilch
Talent: Ultimate Beekeeper
Quote: “Say Bees!”
Bio: Lindsay grew up on her grandfather’s honey bee farm. How sweet and delicious honey was was her favorite thing. As she got older, her grandfather taught her how to make honey and take care of the bees. Sometimes early on she'd get stung, and she learned quickly that she shouldn't annoy the bees, but she got better with time. When her grandfather died, she interited her grandfather's farm. Every night before she sleeps she pours some honey in her tea and sits on her patio, reminiscing of the good old days with her grandfather and enjoying the soft buzz around her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:35:16 GMT
Hmmm....I didn't look too closely at the retooling of the dentist one. It works for the first half but feels a bit samey near the end? Do the others share that structure? I didn't want to mess with the general story premise too much, but for the beekeeper one I did change how she got ahold of the farm. |
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 21:36:29 GMT
But did Lindsay ever have to dance for her bees?
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 21:37:14 GMT
Actually, I'm gonna rewrite the Dentist one for the back half. Hopefully it'll still work
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 21:41:21 GMT
I think just a small change makes it slightly better and more compact (I also changed the name but not sure if that matters)
Name: Albert Griffin
Talent: Ultimate Dentist
Quote: “Open Wide!”
Bio: Albert grew up with a fascination for teeth. Most people hated going to the dentist, but it was Albert’s favorite time of the year! The love of teeth followed him into his teen years where he studied up on everything he could to learn more about the strong, ivory bone. Molars, cuspids, incisors--you name it, Albert knew all about it. He never understood why so many people in the world could go without flossing their teeth every day! He was determined to change the world, so Albert opened up his own dentistry office. One by one, he would save the world. One by one, mouths would be cleaned!
|
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:48:10 GMT
That's good  |
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 21:49:56 GMT
i think some changes to Beekeeper are in order but not much, that seconds sentence just seems awkward
|
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 21:54:16 GMT
It was originally worded differently, but I didn't like how informal it looked.
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 22:00:21 GMT
Name: Lindsay Zilch
Talent: Ultimate Beekeeper
Quote: “Say Bees!”
Bio: Lindsay grew up on her grandfather’s honey bee farm. She loved the sweet and delicious taste of honey from a young age. As she got older, her grandfather taught her how to make honey and take care of the bees. Sometimes early on she'd get stung, learning quickly that she shouldn't annoy the bees. When her grandfather passed away, she inherited the farm. Every night before she sleeps she pours some honey in her tea and sits on her patio, reminiscing of the good old days with her grandfather and enjoying the soft buzz around her.
Though it is odd a teenager owns a honey bee farm
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 22:04:57 GMT
Maybe modify it so her father inherited the farm and they work it together or something? Not sure, might be a bit too complex of a story
|
|
|
|
Post by Himiko Yumeno on Aug 20, 2018 22:06:22 GMT
You can change it to say that her father inherited the farm instead and that she works for him.
|
|
|
|
Post by Gonta Gokuhara on Aug 20, 2018 22:09:08 GMT
Yeah that sounds too complex. We can take out the part about her grandfather passing and change it to her and her grandfather chill every night together xD
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 22:48:13 GMT
Name: Lindsay Zilch
Talent: Ultimate Beekeeper
Quote: “Say Bees!”
Bio: Lindsay grew up on her grandfather’s honey bee farm. She loved the sweet and delicious taste of honey from a young age. As she got older, her grandfather taught her how to make honey and take care of the bees. Sometimes early on she'd get stung, learning quickly that she shouldn't annoy the bees. Since she started training the farm has tripled its production! Every night before she sleeps she pours some honey in her tea and sits on her patio, enjoying the soft buzz around her.
Made a small change to ventriloquist, it seems that parents aren't too major in most of the stories and want to make it less clear:
Name: Emmett Hayes
Talent: Ultimate Ventriloquist
Quote: "You talking to me?"
Bio: Emmett never had many friends as a kid. He spent many days alone on the playground talking to his imaginary friends, but then he got a ventriloquist dummy for Christmas. Soon he found solace in creating different personalities and characters as his dummy collection grew. After showcasing his newfound talent at the local talent show, Emmett became a lot more popular. Soon after he began performing for various government officials and celebrities; he even once performed for the Prime Minister! His shows sell out everywhere he goes, and he's even preparing for an international tour. He loves all of his dummies, but his favorite will always be his first.
We'll need to format them and double check them, but this seems pretty good overall
|
|
|
|
Post by Sayaka Maizono on Aug 20, 2018 23:45:41 GMT
I don't like the semi colon and the odd grammar in the Ventriloquist. The only other semi colon used is in the ultimate firefighter, and I expect they might be on the lookout for oddities in the grammer and punctuation, and by leaving the ultimate firefigher as the only semi colon it might lead them astray.
Original:
Soon after he began performing for various government officials and celebrities; he even once performed for the Prime Minister!
"Fixed":
Soon after(,) he began performing for various government officials and celebrities(, including the Prime Minister!).
I'm unsure of the second independent clause as I think the first one sounds smoother, but the semi colon seems like something we want to avoid.
|
|
|
|
Post by Gundham Tanaka on Aug 20, 2018 23:49:39 GMT
That's fair. Anyone else want to edit these?
|
|
|
|
Post by Sayaka Maizono on Aug 20, 2018 23:57:29 GMT
Original:
Since she started training the farm has tripled its production
Fixed:
Either
Since she started training(,) the farm has tripled its production
or
The farm has tripled its production since she started training.
Orginal:
Every night before she sleeps she pours some honey in her tea and sits on her patio, enjoying the soft buzz around her.
Fixed:
Every night before she sleeps(,) she pours some honey in her tea and sits on her patio, enjoying the soft buzz around her.
|
|
