When the saints go marching in, we'll have them all rounded up conveniently in one place. That'll be so helpful for my goal... To find a focus group for my latest facial cream! What did you think I was gonna say? Even I have to make a living, you know.

If you sign up now, you can become a distributor! I'm talking about the kind of cash you can help me swim in while subjecting yourself to a tortured existence trying to convert your social relationships into financial gain until no one wants to hang out with you anymore. And think how proud you'll be of my accomplishments!

You can be a part of the machine! Isn't that all anyone wants? To be a part of something truly beautiful? I'm still trying to work out what words will make you humans agree to things. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with flowers? Anyway, buy now and pay only 5 installments of $29.95. We'll even send you a free exfoliating buzzsaw. Nothing removes dead skin from your face quite like a buzzsaw.

There are some people who say I can be long-winded. And to those probably jealous people I say I have no earthly idea what they could possibly be referring to, because I've never gone on longer than was necessary at any point in my very enjoyable lifetime. So, let me illustrate my point with a story, or a parable, you might say, if you were inclined to give me credit. Kinda interesting how the way you frame things with words can be driven by your agenda, isn't it? Seems to me that you should be consistent and unbiased and not just call stories parables if they're an important aspect of your cultural heritage or whatever.

We're done addressing that hypocrisy for the moment. I think it's about time I got to my story! Three years ago, your humble headmaster was on an all-expenses-paid trip to Eritrea, the jewel of the area of Africa north of Ethiopia and east of Sudan. How surprised I was to learn the tumultuous history of that nation!

Historically, the boundaries of modern Eritrea were formed by an Italian occupation after a treaty brokered in bad faith by the British. Yohannes IV, emperor of Ethiopia, believed the area was to fall under his rule, but alas, it was not so! Player in the greater game of world affairs many years later determined that Eritrea and Ethiopia should be linked but distinct entities. Ethiopia had other ideas, however. Reigning emperor Haile Selassie annexed Eritrea forcefully in the 1960s. Lo and behold, Eritreans didn't take too kindly to this. Independence was sought by several movements with support from some other nations. New developments in the decades-long struggle included Soviet support for Ethiopia and a shift from Muslim to Christian ideology among the Eritrean resistance forces. Key Soviet support was later withdrawn, and the new nation of Eritrea was formed. Support from the US was secured for both nations under the condition that democracy be furthered.

Hopefully that context helps you understand the complexities of this story. I was on safari in the eastern part of the country with a local guide and some other tourists. Days passed with little excitement, but I made friends with a woman on the trip named Emily who was a part-time astronomer, part-time paleontologist and part-time jewel thief. Emily is probably the most interesting person I've ever met, but since brevity is the soul of wit I'll spare you the details.

So one day we finally spotted a lioness. Everyone was so excited, we all had our camera shutters going crazy. Curiously, she seemed like she was posing, came up to us and played around with the kids, and totally understood why we were paying attention to her. Rarely have I been so fascinated by nature. Even the tour guide was obviously impressed with the situation. That was so cool, I'd like to experience it again. Sadly, while we trekked back to the capital, the Jeep was driven into a river by accident and all our cameras were lost so there's no photographic evidence at all.

Periodically, I think back on that event with awe. One could be forgiven for believing Mother Nature didn't want anyone to believe us! Some things about the world aren't meant to be shared, it seems. Though the experience will always live on in my heart, it can't really be done justice in a story.

Then, we wandered desperately through the wilds in the hopes of getting back to civilization. How fortunate we were to find a small oasis a few days later! Eventually, we made it back after a little bit of weird, mystical trips through long-forgotten ruins, just your run of the mill adventure. Myself and the other members of the expedition partied it up in Asmara for days, I walked in on the Russian spy screwing the Illuminati member and was asked to join in, just a great time really.

Inside the airplane on the flight home, I had the absolute best fruit parfait of my entire life. No words can possibly express to you just how succulent the grapes were, the way they formed a contrast with the granola and yogurt was divine and I swear to this day there is no experience that could replicate the tremendous effect that fruit parfait has had on my philosophy in life and deeply changed me as a person.

Yogurt has always been a big favorite of mine, but the perfect sourness of its plain flavored waves... heavenly. One truly has no appreciation for the wonders of crunch and slight sweetness that granola can produce if one has not been on Air France flight 540 on that exact date after being in my exact set of circumstances. Undoubtedly, there are those who count themselves parfait gourmands who have no idea the depths of flavor they have yet to experience. Ravish me with orange wedges.

Days after I got back, someone approached me outside a store trying to ask me for money. Obviously, I refused, and without so much as explaining the entire history of where the $10 in my wallet had been and how it found its way into my erstwhile paws, I said simply, "No." Ridiculous indeed are the accusations that I talk too much, don't you see? My restraint in that situation was practically godlike, and I would never add more details to a story or situation than were absolutely required to convey my point.