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Kyoko Kirigiri Blackened Posts: 1,158	YEET Sept 4, 2018 15:29:30 GMT Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Kyoko Kirigiri on Sept 4, 2018 15:29:30 GMT AND THAT LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IS HOW YOU START A SHITPOSTING CHALLENGE

Kyoko Kirigiri Blackened Posts: 1,158	YEET Sept 4, 2018 15:30:17 GMT Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Kyoko Kirigiri on Sept 4, 2018 15:30:17 GMT i mean it wasnt shit hina is lovely but you get the point

Kyoko Kirigiri Blackened Posts: 1,158	YEET Sept 4, 2018 15:32:03 GMT Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Kyoko Kirigiri on Sept 4, 2018 15:32:03 GMT

Chihiro Fujisaki
Blackened

hello world!

Posts: 540

YEET Sept 4, 2018 16:09:51 GMT

Post by Chihiro Fujisaki on Sept 4, 2018 16:09:51 GMT

The world we live in.
It's so wondrous, mysterious,
even magical.
No. No, not that world.
I meant this one.
The smartphone.
Each system and program and app
is its own little planet of perfect technology,
all providing services so necessary,
so crucial, so unbelievably profound.
Look who just sent me a text.
Addie McAllister?
Must be a mistake. Or a joke. Or a scam.
Don't send her your Social Security number.
Dude.
She's right there.
That's our user, Alex.
And, like every freshman in high school,
his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone.
And, as the pace of life gets faster and faster...
Phones down in five.
And attention spans get shorter and shorter and...
You're probably not even listening to me right now.
Who has the time to type out actual words?
And that's where we come in,
the most important invention in the history of communication...
Emojis.
That's my home.
Textopolis.
Here, each of us does one thing,
and we have to nail it every time.
The Christmas Tree just has to
stand there all festive.
Merry Christmas.
It's still September, Tim.
The Princesses...
I am so pretty.
They just got to wear their crowns and keep their hair combed.
You guys, we are so pretty.
Devil, Poop, Thumbs Up.
They just show up, and they're good to go.
But for the faces, the pressure is on.
Crier always has to cry, even if he's just won the lottery.
Hooray! I'm a billionaire!
The Laugher is always laughing,
even if he's just broken his arm.
I can see the bone!
Now, me, I'm a Meh.
So I got to be totally over it all the time,
you know, like, "Meh, who cares?"
Which is not as easy as it sounds.
Morning, Mrs. D. I see you have the little minis with you.
They're so cute.
That is so adorable, I can't take it!
Now I'll never get them to sleep.
Stick to your one face, weirdo.
No! No!
It's hard to always act blase,
when living in Textopolis is just so exciting.
Hello, good simians.
Those are some sharp attaches.
Yes, well, we have business to attend to.
What kind of business?
Monkey business.
I sounded British!
Meh. That was really good.
Meh. Meh. That was a great...
-Whatcha doing there, mate?
-Practicing.
Today is my first day on the phone.
Boy. I'm gonna be so meh.
What are you gonna do?
Me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie!
Here's my sauce now.
G'day, mate.
Hey. Konnichiwa.
Sorry, emoticons!
I hate knocking over the elderly.
Here, let me help, let me help.
My colon!
Is that the time?
Hey, my eyes are up here, pal.
Yeah! All right!
Right on time.
So, last week,
Alex sends me next to this guy.
That kid! Where does he get this stuff?
Why are you laughing, freak?
Now, unlike me, my parents are total pros.
Gene, please tell me you weren't laughing just now.
In public.
He was. I remember.
Let's go somewhere more private.
I have some bad news, Gene.
And I'm afraid you'll have the wrong reaction.
Okay. What's the wrong reaction?
Anything other than "meh."
Come on. I don't want to be late.
I'm not letting you go to work today.
Wait, what?
You're just not ready, son.
Come on! Working in the cube is an emoji's whole purpose in life.
Everybody my age is working on the phone except for me.
Sweetie, that's not true.
Yeah! I'm gonna work on the phone, and I'm only 10.
That's because I believe in you.
Should we wash our hands?
No, no, no.
We're number two!
We're number two! We're number two!
See?
I... I know I'm different, okay?
But when I need to, I can be meh.
I just...
I want to be a working emoji, you know, like...
Like everybody else, and then...
Then I would finally fit in, you know?
You fit in, honey.
No, I don't, Mom.
I never have.
But I can change all that if you'd just let me. Just give me a chance.
But what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face?
No, Dad, I'll make the right face.
Look.
Meh...
You're so handsome when you make that face.
I think he's ready, Mel.
Meh.
Come on, Dad.
Let me prove it to you.
If you really think you're ready.
I am! Yes! Yes. I promise, I won't let you down.
Stop.
Congratulations, everyone!
What an exciting day for all of you.
It's really her.
Pizza!
Hey!
Your first day on the job.
Hi. Hi.
Don't be nervous. I won't bite. Hi. I'm Smiler.
Don't touch me.
Hi!
Okay.
I mean, hey.
As you know, I'm Smiler.
I am the system supervisor here
because I was the original emoji.
Here's how it works.
It's nothing fancy.
Wait a minute. It's really fancy!
You each have your own cube on the emoji bar.
If Alex chooses you,
should you be so lucky, your cube will light up.
It's showtime.
The scanner will scan you,
and that scan will get sent right up to Alex's text box.
And let me tell you, guys,
there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time.
You're gonna love it. Really.
Now, over here is the favorites section
where you'll find all the most popular emojis.
And, of course, you'll find my cube here.
You are smooth.
Just doing my duty.
What? What did I say?
Rocket looking to party.
Come on, tell me you aren't just a little bit tempted.
Steven, for the last time,
I don't want to buy a time-share.
Come on, man, it's Hi-5. You know me, I'm a favorite.
Alex hasn't picked you in weeks.
And if he stops picking you, you're no longer a favorite.
It's got to be some sort of mistake.
I mean, look at me, I'm an attractive hand giving a high five.
Fist Bump. Come on in.
Hey.
Fist Bump? He's a knucklehead. Literally.
Look at him. I can look like that.
Cramp. Huge mistake.
Help. Help me. Help up the hand.
There you go.
Thanks, mate.
Hey, little Meh, how about you create a distraction,
and then I'll just slip under the rope?
Is someone lost?
Smiler, hi. Just leaving.
Yeah, you know, just killing time
before I go back to my cube in the far corner
where Alex can't even see me anymore!
You may not be a favorite anymore,
but you will always have a place in the cube.
Yeah, in the nosebleeds.
I'm standing right here. Words hurt.
The most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself.
Blah.
I was made to be happy, so I am always smiling.
Places, please. Emojis to your cubes.
Attention. We've got incoming.
Got to be meh. Got to be meh.
My gosh, my own cube.
I can't believe it. I could put a plant over here.
And over here could go an inspirational calendar.
Okay. Got to be meh. Got to be meh.
Look at our son down there.
I'm just beaming
with pride.
You don't think he'll actually get picked, do you?
Hie-ro-gly-phics.
Hieroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms.
Does that remind anyone of anything?
Hello? A language of pictures. Anyone?
Early hieroglyphs date back as far as 3,300...
I got to reply to Addie's text.
What should I write?
Nothing.
Words aren't cool.
Okay. Be cool. Be cool.
All right, Alex is not sure how he wants to play this.
I would really love it to be me.
Beam me up! Beam me up!
I need Thumbs Up on standby.
Yeah! Thumbs Up is going in!
Wait! Alex is changing his mind.
He's moving.
Okay. Looks like it's gonna be Meh.
I'm so nervous, I could almost shrug.
We are go for Meh.
Initiating scan.
Okay. You can do this.
I can't do this! I can't do it!
What is this?
Stop the scan!
I can't! It's too late!
Meh, meh, meh, meh. My goodness, I'm freaking out!
What's he doing?
He's making the wrong face!
Good for him! Little... Wait, what?
Be meh! Be meh! Be meh!
Abort! Abort!
Shut it down! Shut it down!
What is that emoji?
Wrong emoji sent! Evacuate the Meh cube!
Evacuate the cube!
I got to get out of here.
Get that bozo out of there!
I'm trying!
No!
My God.
The humanity.
Medic.
Sorry, everybody. That was not what I meant to do.
I kinda...
I kinda panicked.
Are you even a Meh at all?
Course he is.
He's my spitting image.
If you have expressions other than meh,
what you are is a malfunction.
Malfunction?
No! I can be meh. Just give me one more chance.
That's not gonna happen.
You know what would be really fun?
A board meeting.
Where we could figure out what to do with you!
I knew there was something wrong with him.
A malfunction?
What's gonna happen to him?
He can't work on the phone.
What would Alex think?
What do his parents think?
I just wanted to be useful, you know? Fit in.
Now everybody thinks I'm a malfunction.
I am a malfunction.
Even if you are a malfunction, Gene,
your mom and dad still love ya.
I knew you weren't ready.
Let's get you out of here and take you home.
One day, all this will blow over,
and everyone will almost forget about what you did.
Until then,
you should probably stay locked up in the apartment.
Wait. You want to hide me away?
You're embarrassed of me.
It's for your own safety.
We're trying to protect you, son.
Gene? Where are you going?
I'm not gonna run away from this.
I'm an emoji, and even though I'm not sure exactly which one,
I've got to have some sort of purpose here.
I know it.
Gene, no.
Sweetie, please.
Boy.
A malfunction...
Order! Order!
The motion is carried.
So, how'd it go, Gavel?
Hey, Light Bulb, tell me what's going on in there.
What? Poop, what is it?
Tell me, turd. Tell me true. What happened?
I know it was an accident. We all have accidents.
You're so soft, Poop.
Not too soft, I hope.
Gene!
We were just gonna come looking for you.
Why don't you come inside the boardroom,
and we can have a teeny, weeny chat.
Um, I came up here to defend myself, but you seem pretty happy.
So, good news?
Right. I'm always happy.
Right. Hashtag truth.
Well, the only thing that could ever make me unhappy
is if one of our emoji team made a mistake,
which caused Alex to lose faith in the phone.
And then our whole world gets wiped out.
Smiler, I double-pinky-swear promise to you
that I will never, ever make a mistake in the cube again.
We know you won't, Gene.
We know you won't.
You know, the first time you said it,
it sounded genuine, but then you repeated it,
and then, that was weird.
That's because we're setting you up
with our best Anti-Virus Bots.
So, they'll like... They'll just... They're gonna fix me?
Actually, delete you. But yes!
If you get deleted,
you don't have to worry about
what your purpose is or the future
or why you're such a malfunction.
'Cause you're deleted, right?
All right, good talk.
Bots!
No!
Don't let him escape!
Party time! Wait a minute...
The air is better here.
Beer, Tea.
I'm Coffee!
Sorry. Sheesh. So edgy.
My old cube.
Take a hike, Mike.
-My name's not Mike.
-What?
There's AV Bots coming!
For me?
Just because I'm in the wrong section?
Holy deleto!
What do we do?
Quick! This way!
Let's go.
Don't tell anyone you're about to see this.
They'll never find us down here.
Where are we? The basement?
No. Welcome to the Loser Lounge,
where the emojis who never get used hang out.
Go fish, Fish Cake With Swirl.
Sweep so you won't cry. Sweep so you won't cry.
Sweep so you won't cry.
I almost got deleted.
Me, Hi-5.
Hey. What's up, Hi-5?
They weren't trying to delete you. They were trying to delete me.
You? What's so important about you
they'd send out an entire team of Bots?
They say I'm a malfunction.
You bringing malfunctions in here now, Hi-5?
For crying out loud, Abandoned Luggage,
that had better not be my leftover Chinese food.
What Chinese food?
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be living large, hashtag blessed,
the favorite of the favorites, and then demoted to this pit of despair?
Here, will you hit my calluses for me?
At least you're a working emoji.
That's all I ever wanted.
Well, if that's all it'll take
for you to be satisfied, then just find a hacker and get reprogrammed.
It's not that complicated.
Where would I find a hacker?
In the Piracy app. Duh.
Who took my clear nail polish?
Piracy app?
To get there, I mean, I'd have to leave Textopolis.
So? I've done it. Would you be a brother?
One of the Princess emojis left the phone altogether.
Now she lives on the cloud.
That is good.
I'm sure the hacker that helped her do that could easily reprogram you.
The name's Jailbreak.
Jailbreak?
That's great! Reprogrammed.
I just need to be reprogrammed,
and then, I can finally be the Meh I was meh to be.
Help me find that hacker, Hi-5. Will you? Please?
Maybe this hacker could help you, too.
Like rewrite some code, get you into the favorites section.
Wait a minute.
I've been trying to use my charisma
and sense of entitlement to get me back on top,
but all I need is a hacker.
Today's your lucky day. Let's roll.
Hey, can I come, too?
Talk to the hand, Red Wagon.
I thought I was.
Bye, Felicia.
Ciao, Fish Cake with Swirl.
Daddy's heading back to the VIPs where he belongs!
Wait. What about the Bots?
Good point. Good point.
Ouch!
Hey.
I shouldn't have picked the cactus.
I just... I shouldn't have picked it.
You didn't even try to get the tree.
It's baffling. Let's go.
Hi-5?
Hello?
Hi-5?
Where are you?
I'm right here!
Gene!
Here we are, end of the text app.
No way.
Come on, Gene. It's perfectly safe.
Gene, help me!
The wallpaper monster's got me!
No! Hold on, hold on!
Hi-5!
No. This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Hi-5! I'm...
I'm just messing with you.
It's one of those rubber finger-monster puppets
from the '80s. I collected the whole set.
All right, you coming?
What do I do?
What do you mean?
Just take a step through the other side.
This is it.
The next time I come back here,
I'll be a real Meh.
Hi-5?
No!
Are you finished?
Where are we?
Welcome to the Wallpaper.
This place is incredible.
Each app is its own unique world.
That's my face. You're on my... Thank you.
What is this place?
WeChat.
It's like a whole other world.
It is.
What are they?
They're Bubble Pups. They might be cute, but, man, are they clingy.
Whee!
They're stickers, Gene.
Try to get with the program.
This is so cool.
Wait. What's in that one?
-Guys, look at this picture.
-Look at my baby.
This is what I ate for breakfast.
-This is what I ate for lunch!
-Here's me on a hike!
Here's me in the gym! Here's me in the bathroom!
Everybody's talking about themselves.
How does he know so many people?
None of these people know him, but they like him,
and that's what matters in this life, popularity.
I...
I think I'd...
I think I'd rather just have a real friend.
A real friend? How's that gonna get you anywhere?
What you need are fans.
They give you complete and unrelenting support.
As long as you're on top.
Poor Gene. I blame myself.
I blame you, too.
I just wanted to be supportive.
You just wanted a vacation.
You take that back, Mel Meh.
Bots.
If they haven't found Gene by now, he must have skipped town.
You mean the Wallpaper?
Our boy's on the run.
How about we find him ourselves?
Yeah, for sure.
Tell all Bots to follow those Mehs.
I'm sure they'll know all the
freaky-deaky apps Gene will hide out in.
I'm really good at making plans, you guys.
Right?
Here we are. The Piracy app.
This is where we'll find Jailbreak.
Um... But this is the Dictionary.
That's just what Alex wants his parents to think.
This is called a skin.
Really? What could a teenage boy
possibly want to hide from his parents?
Just try to keep up. This place can get a little rough.
Ahoy, mateys.
Look who's back!
Hi-5!
I'm a bit of a celebrity here. Always welcome.!
Loser!
Come on. Follow me.
Great. Emojis.
I thought the conversation just got dumber.
Internet trolls. Just ignore them.
Eventually, they'll get a job or a girlfriend
or some sort of purpose in life, and they'll stop.
Virus. We'll just... We'll just walk over this way.
Hi! It's so great to see you again.
Do I know you?
It's Spam. Just sign here and I can get you special discounts on vitamins
and credit card offers that can save you up to 25%.
No, no, no, don't get sucked in.
Back off, Spam!
It's the only way to deal... Back off!
Thank you very much!
You can illegally download our CD right here.
Hey, Trojan Horse. How are you?
Yeah, what'll it be, hand?
I'll have a bottle of "Hack Daniel's."
Maybe with a plate of cheese and hackers?
You trying to find a hacker?
You can just ask, you know.
Sorry. Um, yes.
We're looking for a hacker named Jailbreak.
I know a guy that can hook you up.
Right over there.
He looks capable.
No, not him. Her.
Wait. He's a she?
Hey, Jailbreak.
Mind if we join you?
Yes.
That's the thing about the Internet, isn't it?
You can never tell if someone's being ironic or sincere.
I sincerely, unironically want you to go away.
That's a good one.
So, here's the thing. My friend Gene here has a little problem.
Well, see, I'm supposed to be a Meh,
but I don't really feel...
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, that's good. And we thought
you could help, since you got the Princess,
you know, off the phone.
Not interested.
Hold up. That's not a Meh face.
Bots! They're after me!
How are you doing that?
Look, it's just something I can do. Can you help us?
Follow me.
Bots! Delete my history!
I corrupted the entire hard drive.
I made the most delicious cinnamon buns.
Maybe if there was something to, you know, jog my memory.
Come on! Move!
Hey, Trolls, why is that mailbox wearing a tuxedo?
Hi! It's so great to see you again! Call me!
This tunnel will get us out of here.
Move!
Did that cloud taste sweet to you?!
Help me! Help! I'm stuck!
Sweet motherboard!
Where am I?
Get me out of here.
Hey, Palm Face.
Try getting him out the top!
Already on it!
Hold tight, Gene.
This feels very odd, and it smells.
I mean, it smells good, it smells delicious, but I still don't like it.
The game obviously thinks you're a candy,
even though you're weirdly misshapen, you know?
What are we gonna do?
Stay very still.
Don't worry. We've got your back. Right, Hi-5?
Hey, Fingers! You want to focus?
For your information, I happen to have a sugar addiction,
and it's a very serious...
Listen, Finger Head!
We have to get Gene out of the game without blowing him up.
I don't want to blow up.
We have to match up the candies,
so that Gene will drop to the bottom.
And we can't match him with any yellows, or else...
Don't do that. Please don't do that.
Watch.
Match three in a row.
Don't blow Gene up. Got it.
And we have to be very careful.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Careful.
-Candy!
Watch it!
Hey!
No! No, no, no! Slow down.
Not the yellows! Not the yellows.
I said careful!
My mom just joined Facebook. Can you believe she wanted to friend me?
Hey, Addie, I was just wondering if you are...
Tasty.
What?
Um... Excuse me?
Sweet.
Hey, Addie!
Hi, Nikki.
See you later, Alex.
Sugar Crush.
So over this.
Wireless Wireless. How may I help you?
I'd like to make an appointment.
It's like this phone is playing games with me.
Hey, what does this do?
No!
Get me out of here!
No! Stop it! Stop, stop!
It's not working.
Well, there's one option left.
We line you up with the yellows.
But you said not to do that.
Special candies get transported to that jar.
The game might think you're a special candy.
And what if it doesn't think I'm a special candy?
Well...
Jailbreak, hello? Hello, Jailbreak?
Sorry.
What if it doesn't think I'm a special candy?
I'm not too worried about it.
Okay, just do it.
Gene!
Gene?
Hey. No!
Gene! You're alive!
You were trying to see if I had somehow
turned into candy, weren't you?
Yes, I was. And you have not.
Hey. Looks like something popped up on Alex's calendar.
I'm sure it's nothing.
Alex made an appointment at the phone store.
No!
Calm down, everyone!
Calm down.
Don't worry. Everything is fine.
Maybe Alex just wants to buy some accessories.
His appointment is with technical support.
Well, I'm sure we still have plenty of time to figure this out.
His appointment is for tomorrow.
Then maybe it's just for some routine maintenance.
Actually, it's to erase the phone.
Listen, Gene, I'm about to become your knight in shining armor.
You are?
Yeah.
But first, we need to get uploaded to the cloud.
That's where we'll find the source code to reprogram you.
The cloud?
Isn't that off the phone?
Ding, ding, ding, ding. You got it.
Yeah, the cloud. Off the phone.
We're in Candy Crush, obvs.
I know a shortcut to Just Dance,
which is right next to Dropbox,
where we can get uploaded to the cloud.
Of course. Just Dance, then boogie over to Dropbox,
catch the link, and zoom.
Hold up. Here's the stinker.
Before they let us into the cloud,
we have to get past this firewall.
The firewall uses face identification.
Yeah, the firewall.
Which is really annoying, because I've already tried to get through.
Guessed wrong once, and now I'm locked out for life.
Locked out for life?
You're thinking, 'cause I can make different faces,
the firewall will think I'm different emojis.
Yeah.
I wanted to say it 'cause it was my idea.
You know, women are always coming up with stuff
that men are taking credit for.
You know what...
Well, then let's hit the road.
Hi-5, you coming?
I'm coming!
Why do I always think I'm gonna come around on black licorice?
My precious.
Hey! Move it!
Certain death, here we come.
Let's try this one.
YouTube?
What a visual treat.
And I don't even need a remote.
That guy is so expressive.
He reminds me of Gene.
Yeah. Something really wrong with him.
Our son is a malfunction,
and you should never have let him go into that cube.
Don't blame me for this, Mel.
I am hopping mad at you.
See?
Mary, I think we're being followed.
But don't overreact.
I told you not to overreact.
What are you doing now?
They'll be in there for hours.
Mary, where are you going?
I think we should go our separate ways, Mel.
I thought I knew the Meh that I married,
but maybe I don't.
But, Mary...
This tunnel will help us avoid the Bots.
Thanks for helping us. It's really nice of you.
NBD, dude. The truth is, you're helping me.
Come on, let's move it. Why so slow?
Hi-5, stop. Why are you getting so close? What's with you? Back off.
Can't stop now. I'm having a sugar rush!
I'll go around you. If I stop moving, my heart's gonna explode!
Coming through, Jailbreak! Look out!
Hey! Watch it, Knuckle Butt!
I can't feel my face.
So, Jailbreak, back there you said I'm helping you.
I've been trying to get past that firewall for months.
Come on, come on!
The faster we get there, the faster I become a favorite!
Look at me!
I just want to bounce out of here,
get off the phone, and live on the cloud.
What just happened?
You don't like it here?
There's so many rules here. What is up with that?
The cloud is supposed to be amazing.
There's so much to see and do.
Sugar crash.
I can't hold on anymore.
Catch me, Gene. Catch me!
And you can be whoever you want.
Thanks.
You're free! Come on!
My gosh, my hands are sweating.
You are a hand!
Yeah!
You know, come to think of it, I don't really remember
there ever being a hacker emoji.
Um, you know, you're taking up too much of my brain space.
Let's keep the chitchat to a minimum.
Someone likes you.
What are you talking about?
This is just like when Peace Sign gave me just one finger.
I knew she was in love with me.
Let's go!
I'm never eating another piece of candy ever again.
Hi-5, don't do it.
Don't you do it. It's already been in there once.
Don't do it.
Are my fingers getting fat?
I'll tell you what, this bandage wasn't so tight before.
Okay. We get through this app, and Dropbox is right on the other side.
We just need to keep it super DL in here.
And no matter what, we can't turn it on.
OMG, this turned it on!
What? I'm a hand. It's a big, red button.
What's happening?
No, no, no, no, no!
Welcome to Just Dance!
Follow my moves and you get to move forward.
Do the wrong moves and you get an "X."
Three strikes and you're out.
Out? What does she mean by "Out"?
Digital death.
Thanks to you, Fingers. Now we're gonna have to dance our way out.
Which is all right with me, 'cause I can shake it like Michael.
Or Michael's glove, anyway.
Are you ready to dance?
This is bad, Gene. I can't dance. I got no groove.
Come on. Everybody can dance.
Not me, okay? I'm really stiff.
See? I can't... Don't understand.
Okay. No, no...
Stop, stop. She has to stop.
I see now what you are saying. Just follow her moves.
Ready to dance in three...
This I can't do.
Two...
Dude...
Just shut up and...
Dance!
It's too easy! Hee-hee! Shamone!
Jailbreak!
I got you.
Look. Just feel the music.
Express yourself.
Through dance?
Yeah, you got it! Go, girl!
Now throw some sauce on that dance burrito.
I'm doing it!
I'm fully nailing this dance!
You got it!
Great job! You're moving on to free dance!
Impress us with your moves to move forward.
More dancing?
You're killing it, Gene! Slay!
Nice! Shake it, Gene. You won't break it.
Wait a minute!
I've never seen that dance before.
What's it called?
Um... The Emoji Pop?
I love it!
What? You do?
Everybody, do the Emoji Pop!
Hoo!
Yes!
Princess.
You're the Princess emoji?
You never got off the phone.
Welcome, new players!
What?
Who?
No!
We got to go.
Don't worry.
They're robots. They can't dance.
Downloading funk protocol.
"Can't dance," he says.
Move!
Congratulations. You're a disco diva.
Hey, Alex, you gonna dance for us?
Alex, that's extra homework for you.
Hey, Alex, you gonna shake it?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Alex must be deleting the app.
Watch out!
We got to get out of here.
Come on!
This song is my jam.
Hi-5, come on! Let's go!
Hurry!
Hi-5!
Gene!
I got you!
Gene...
Hi-5!
Gene.
Hey, wait. Where's Hi-5?
Alex trashed the app.
And Hi-5 right along with it.
Wait, what? Wait, trashed?
Hi-5 is in the trash?
He wanted to dance.
But I knew it was a bad idea.
We got to get him out of there.
Gene, Dropbox is right here. That's our ticket to the cloud.
And the trash is on the other side of the phone.
We don't know how many other Bots are out there.
I'm sorry.
No way. We can't go without Hi-5.
I don't care how far away it is.
That's my friend down there.
I'm not just gonna leave him to get deleted.
What? What is it?
I've always just thought you got to look out for number one.
Well, what good is it to be number one
if there aren't any other numbers?
Okay.
I'm sorry. This is my malfunction.
I just... I can't be meh about anything.
This is why I'm going to get reprogrammed.
Well, it's actually kind of cool.
Wait, really?
You know, I think I know a shortcut.
We can take the music streams in Spotify.
Let's go give that big hand a hand.
Come on.
Alex trashed the Just Dance app, and our Bots are offline,
and it's giving me a real headache.
I am so angry.
I really need to stay happy.
Can we please lighten the mood?
No one can resist una fiesta!
Not that happy.
We've only got four hours before Alex's phone appointment.
If they find a malfunction on the phone, we are all gonna be wiped.
Yeah.
She said, "Wiped."
Aim higher, Steven.
I didn't want to have to do this,
but it is fun to press buttons.
The illegal upgrade.
Now that makes me happy.
I just want to dance.
Dance, please.
Arr! Quiet, you sassy gypsy.
Where am I?
Hi! It's so great to see you again!
You're in the trash, Fingers for Brains.
Get away from me, Troll.
Hi!
It's so great to see you again!
I got to get out of here.
You can't.
And at the end of the day,
the trash gets emptied, and we're all gonna die!
No. No, no!
This is the last face you will ever see.
No!
This is Spotify?
Yep.
Every one of those streams is a different song.
Is it safe?
Yeah!
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Fastest way to the trash, dude!
Could we at least pick a calmer stream?
Okay, buzzkill.
Alex. A bunch of people are hitting the promenade.
I think Addie might be there, too.
That's perfect!
I have an appointment down there, anyway.
I've got to get this phone fixed.
Hey, bubble butt.
Yeah, you do.
Much better.
So, I got to ask.
Is it true that when a princess whistles,
birds fly down from the skies, and...
Hello, stereotype. That is a complete and total myth.
I'm sorry.
Did you realize that on the first emoji set,
a woman can either be a princess or a bride?
That's why I need to get to the cloud,
where you can be whoever you want to be.
Get ready. Whale song coming.
-Wait, wait. Whale what?
-A whale song.
From Alex's biology presentation.
You're not gonna see that sitting around in a cube.
It's funny. You want out of the cube, and I want in.
Gene, if that means you can't be yourself, what's the point?
You know, I think you're pretty cool just the way you are.
We're gonna need this.
In the trash? Me? I used to be somebody.
Here I am. Look. In an old e-mail Alex never sent.
"Addie, blah, blah, blah, blah, bla-la-la-la."
And then there's me, Hi-5,
right there, doing my job.
FYI, nobody cares about you.
Just leave me, Troll, and let me die
in this dump alone.
Let me look for the world's smallest violin in here,
so you can play it.
It's the Hand Angel of Mercy. She's finally come for me.
Give me your hand!
I mean, give me yourself.
Take my hand, angel.
I'm ready to take my place amongst the other great hands of the past.
It's me, Gene!
Gene?
I got him!
Take me with you.
Hi-5!
Let go of me.
Don't leave me down here!
You were wrong, Troll. People do care about me.
And I'm not upset, Troll.
Do you see how not upset I am?
Gene, you came back for me.
You saved me.
It wasn't just me. Jailbreak helped, too.
And she's a hugger. Give her a squeeze.
No, no, no.
There really is nothing greater
than the feeling of being truly free.
You filthy trolls, I inhaled your stench,
but I was once one of you, so I, too, feel your pain.
Now go. Be free!
Should be smooth sailing from here.
Gene.
Gene.
Gene?
Are you Instagramming?
Where is my Gene?
Mary.
You've really done it this time.
No, you haven't.
Mel?
What are you doing in Alex's trip to France album?
I was looking for you.
None of this is your fault, Mary.
It's mine.
What do you mean?
Is that a tear on your cheek?
It's my fault Gene is the way he is.
I have other expressions, too.
I think they've just been buried away.
But with Gene going missing and thinking I might have lost you, too...
Mel. Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't know myself.
Right now, I'm so overwhelmed with passionate feelings for you.
Mary, my love for you burns with the intensity
of a red-hot flame.
I like that, Mel.
Let's go find our son.
Together.
We'll always have Paris, Mary.
So, you're a princess.
I saw your little tiara. Very fancy.
Is it true when a princess whistles,
birds fly down from...
That's what I said!
No, guys! That's a stupid myth!
What software version are we living in?
Go read an e-book.
Educate yourselves.
Just look behind you.
What the...
What is that?
Smiler must have upgraded her Bots.
Let's get out of here before it...
Hi, Gene. Remember me? Smiler.
I'm coming to you live from the amphitheater.
Why don't you come back to Textopolis
and we can talk through our differences, okay?
My friend here will escort you, all right?
I'm gonna see you soon, buddy. Bye, now.
We're actually gonna delete him in front of everyone.
Psst! It's still on!
It's still what?
Jiminy Sassafras!
Move!
Separate!
Tangle him up!
Jailbreak!
Gene! This way!
It's still after me!
Let's go.
We have to make it to Dropbox.
Yes!
No!
Go low!
Don't worry. It can't get in.
It's illegal malware, and this app is secure.
Come on.
Welcome to Dropbox.
You are about to leave the phone.
Remain seated, please.
You might want to hang on.
Why do they call this Dropbox, anyway?
This is why! I see that now!
Yeah!
I think we're about to see that candy corn again!
We made it.
Hoo!
Guys, guys, chill. We still have to get past that.
Holy...
Yeah.
Hello.
Welcome to the firewall.
How may I help you?
All right, here goes.
What do I do?
Sit in the corner and don't say a word.
Keep those sausage fingers to yourself.
Yes, Your Majesty Princess of Nightmares!
Now, Gene, step onto the password icon,
and I'll feed you the passwords.
Okay.
Okay. 10-11-2002.
10-11-2002.
Access denied.
Okay, try a different expression.
Is it gonna blast me every time I mess up?
Yeah, kinda.
What do you mean, "Kinda"?
Ready?
Welcome to the firewall.
His favorite food. Chimichangas.
Chimichangas?
Access denied.
This might take a while.
Boy.
Krav Maga.
Krav Maga.
Major Lazer.
Major Lazer.
Abuela Dora!
Skate or die.
Access denied.
Denied.
I don't get it.
We've tried all the important things in Alex's life.
His favorite pet, sport, his favorite grandma.
I'm sorry, Gene.
I let us all down.
You know, if I had to come up with a password,
I'd probably use the name of a girl I liked.
I've been all over the phone.
He's never mentioned a girl.
Yes, he has.
Hi. When I was in the trash, I read a very interesting e-mail,
but I'm just the dunce in the corner, forbidden to speak.
What e-mail?
Sorry, what?
What e-mail?
To a girl at school.
He was declaring his feelings of love for her.
I guess instead of sending it, he tossed it in the trash.
Hi-5, this is very important.
What is her name?
Her name, yes. Excellent question.
It was Tina.
Karen.
Marge. Lindsey.
Alison.
Sarah or Lupita.
I want to say Lupita,
but that doesn't feel right now I'm saying it out loud.
Jennifer.
Got to find that e-mail.
Phillipa.
I think I can access the trash.
Annabelle.
-I got it! Addie!
-Yes!
Yes! That's it! Addie!
I knew I'd get there.
"Dear Addie, you and I, we're like diamonds in the sky.
"You're a shooting star I see,
"a vision of ecstasy.
"Shine bright like a diamond."
And he used a high five, see?
I guess now we know why he trashed it.
Shade.
Guys, should we try this?
Addie.
Access granted.
Snap.
This place is amazing.
The cloud.
I can't believe it.
One little emoji could sure get lost in a place like this.
I guess we should make you a Meh
before that Bot comes back?
So, we're gonna... We're gonna do that now?
We had a deal.
Right?
Yeah, okay. Right.
I, guess I'll start hacking.
We did it, Gene.
All our dreams are coming true.
I'll be an Alex favorite again, and you'll be a real Meh.
Yeah!
Yeah, but this all seems kind of super-fast now, though.
Doesn't it?
Hi-5, I just didn't expect to be having these feelings right now.
Well, maybe you should go and express them while you still can.
So, I've been... I mean, um...
Ever since we...
Jailbreak, you're the coolest, most interesting emoji I've ever met.
And after all the adventures that we had,
I'm just not sure I want all that to go away,
because my feelings right now are, like, huge.
I just think that they could be enough for me to want to stay the way I am.
If it means I could stay here with you.
Like, forever.
Forever and ever and ever.
Maybe longer than that even.
Like in the fairy tales.
Like, what is "? Is that a good "?
Gene, if this is about you deciding not to be meh,
then I am all about that.
I like you just the way you are.
But I had a plan.
Right.
I'm not just some princess, Gene, waiting for my prince.
I mean, what you said was beautiful, but...
Gene.
You're all meh.
The source code worked!
Turns out I didn't need it.
For the first time in my life, meh is all I feel.
No! Gene!
Hi. I have an appointment. I'm a little early.
No problem. I can take you right now.
Jailbreak!
Don't do that!
That freaky huge Bot has got Gene back inside the phone.
What?
He left looking more meh than the meh-est meh face I've ever seen.
What did you say to him?
It's what I didn't say.
We've got to go get him.
How are we gonna get in there in time before he gets deleted?
I can't believe I'm doing this.
You tell anyone you saw this, and I'll crack more than those knuckles.
Birds do love princesses!
It's not a myth.
It's not a myth at all!
What happened to becoming a favorite?
Guess I'd rather have one real friend.
And let's go get him.
I can't wait to see the look on Gene's face!
Look at that expression.
Is that for realizing you've put all of Textopolis at risk,
causing Alex to question our reliability?
Hey, that's going too far, even for me.
If we can delete this malfunction before his appointment,
they'll discover there's nothing wrong with the phone.
Any last words?
Meh.
Well, it's too late for that.
Delete him!
Wait.
You delete Gene, you'll have to delete me, too.
I have the same malfunction Gene does.
Dad?
Gosh, I don't know what to do.
Yes, I do.
Bot!
No!
Sorry, Mrs. Meh.
I did not see that one coming.
Smiler, I think you might be making
too much stink out of all this.
Really? How about you're next?
I was wrong, Gene.
I should've believed in you all along.
What a touching daddy-son reunion moment.
It reminds me of the time I deleted you both.
Wait. That's this time!
Delete the two malfunctions!
No.
How's that for an...
Great.
I can't reach!
No! What did you do to my beautiful...
My tooth.
Hand, button.
Jailbreak?
Gene.
You really are a Meh.
What happened to looking out for number one?
Being number one doesn't matter
if there aren't any other numbers.
Alex's appointment!
He's deleting the phone!
No, no, no!
Show me Alex.
Are you sure you want to delete everything?
Do it.
Red alert! Red alert!
Alex, no!
Game over.
Fellas, I'm afraid this is last call.
Dude, Addie's here. You should go over.
Every time I try, I screw it up.
I don't know how to tell her how I feel.
If we help Alex connect to Addie, maybe he won't delete us.
I might be able to bypass the wipe and get a text through to him.
But we'll only have time to send one.
Maybe I should go.
He has love in his eyes.
Send me. Alex looks nervous, too.
He's more shy than nervous.
Stop!
It's Gene.
He's all of those things.
An emoji should only be one thing.
Really?
The Princess!
Linda!
Not now, Mom!
Gene, you got this.
That's not me anymore.
But I have to try.
It's starting!
No, it's ending!
I'm working on it.
Mom? Dad?
No.
I'm in.
Last time I was in this cube, I screwed everything up.
Gene, why do you think I came back?
It's because of you.
Me?
It's all inside of you, Gene.
Just try to bring it back.
And do you.
Hi-5!
I don't want to wave good-bye.
It's now or never, Gene.
Jailbreak, now!
Check out this emoji.
No way.
Hey, I got your text.
That's one super-cool emoji.
I know, right?
A lot of feelings in one. I get it.
I like that you're one of those guys
who can actually express his feelings.
Yeah. That's me.
So, do you think you'd want to...
Yes.
I'd love to go to the dance with you.
Hey, excuse me.
We made it!
I could've lost you, Peter Pinkie.
Or you, Reggie Ring Finger.
Even you, Tiberius Thumb.
Change your mind?
Yeah, maybe it's weird, but...
I'm gonna hold on to it.
Gene, you did it!
You saved us all!
Mel.
Gene! Gene!
Gene! Gene! Gene!
Gene. Gene. Gene.
Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene!
Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene!
They love us! And Hi-5!
And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5!
They love both of us!
Hey, what up, Gene? Slap me some skin.
And a little porridge for the pinkie.
Hey, Hi-5, save me a dance for later.
As long as you're not all hands again.
Back on top of the hand pile.
You're not on the list.
-Wait, what?
-What's going on?
From now on, everyone is welcome!
Wait, what is all this?
It's for you, Gene.
Everybody, the Emoji Pop!
This is jazzy.
Yeah.
Go, Eggplant! Go, Eggplant! Go, Eggplant!
We are out of Alex's pocket, emojis.
This is not a butt dial.
To your cubes.
-Are we up and running?
-Roger that.
Good, 'cause we got incoming. Looks like it's gonna be Gene.
Hey, Gene, ready to try out your new cube?
In three, two...

Read more: www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=the-emoji-movie

Chihiro Fujisaki
Blackened

hello world!

Posts: 540

YEET Sept 4, 2018 17:02:17 GMT

Post by Chihiro Fujisaki on Sept 4, 2018 17:02:17 GMT

The world we live in.
It's so wondrous, mysterious,
even magical.
No. No, not that world.
I meant this one.
The smartphone.
Each system and program and app
is its own little planet of perfect technology,
all providing services so necessary,
so crucial, so unbelievably profound.
Look who just sent me a text.
Addie McAllister?
Must be a mistake. Or joke. Or a scam.
Don't send her your Social Security number.
Dude.
She's right there.
That's our user, Alex.
And, like every freshman in high school,
his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone.
And, as the pace of life gets faster and faster...
Phones down in five.
And attention spans get shorter and shorter and...
You're probably not even listening to me right now.
Who has the time to type out actual words?
And that's where we come in,
the most important invention in the history of communication...
Emojis.
That's my home.
Textopolis.
Here, each of us does one thing,
and we have to nail it every time.
The Christmas Tree just has to
stand there all festive.
Merry Christmas.
It's still September, Tim.
The Princesses...
I am so pretty.
They just got to wear their crowns and keep their hair combed.
You guys, we are so pretty.
Devil, Poop, Thumbs Up.
They just show up, and they're good to go.
But for the faces, the pressure is on.
Crier always has to cry, even if he's just won the lottery.
Hooray! I'm a billionaire!
The Laugher is always laughing,
even if he's just broken his arm.
I can see the bone!
Now, me, I'm a Meh.
So I got to be totally over it all the time,
you know, like, "Meh, who cares?"
Which is not as easy as it sounds.
Morning, Mrs. D. I see you have the little minis with you.
They're so cute.
That is so adorable, I can't take it!
Now I'll never get them to sleep.
Stick to your one face, weirdo.
No! No!
It's hard to always act blase,
when living in Textopolis is just so exciting.
Hello, good simians.
Those are some sharp attaches.
Yes, well, we have business to attend to.
What kind of business?
Monkey business.
I sounded British!
Meh. That was really good.
Meh. Meh. That was a great...
-Whatcha doing there, mate?
-Practicing.
Today is my first day on the phone.
Boy. I'm gonna be so meh.
What are you gonna do?
Me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie!
Here's my sauce now.
G'day, mate.
Hey. Konnichiwa.
Sorry, emoticons!
I hate knocking over the elderly.
Here, let me help, let me help.
My colon!
Is that the time?
Hey, my eyes are up here, pal.
Yeah! All right!
Right on time.
So, last week,
Alex sends me next to this guy.
That kid! Where does he get this stuff?
Why are you laughing, freak?
Now, unlike me, my parents are total pros.
Gene, please tell me you weren't laughing just now.
In public.
He was. I remember.
Let's go somewhere more private.
I have some bad news, Gene.
And I'm afraid you'll have the wrong reaction.
Okay. What's the wrong reaction?
Anything other than "meh."
Come on. I don't want to be late.
I'm not letting you go to work today.
Wait, what?
You're just not ready, son.
Come on! Working in the cube is an emoji's whole purpose in life.
Everybody my age is working on the phone except for me.
Sweetie, that's not true.
Yeah! I'm gonna work on the phone, and I'm only 10.
That's because I believe in you.
Should we wash our hands?
No, no, no.
We're number two!
We're number two! We're number two!
See?
I... I know I'm different, okay?
But when I need to, I can be meh.
I just...
I want to be a working emoji, you know, like...
Like everybody else, and then...
Then I would finally fit in, you know?
You fit in, honey.
No, I don't, Mom.
I never have.
But I can change all that if you'd just let me. Just give me a chance.
But what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face?
No, Dad, I'll make the right face.
Look.
Meh...
You're so handsome when you make that face.
I think he's ready, Mel.
Meh.
Come on, Dad.
Let me prove it to you.
If you really think you're ready.
I am! Yes! Yes. I promise, I won't let you down.
Stop.
Congratulations, everyone!
What an exciting day for all of you.
It's really her.
Pizza!
Hey!
Your first day on the job.
Hi. Hi.
Don't be nervous. I won't bite. Hi. I'm Smiler.
Don't touch me.
Hi!
Okay.
I mean, hey.
As you know, I'm Smiler.
I am the system supervisor here
because I was the original emoji.
Here's how it works.
It's nothing fancy.
Wait a minute. It's really fancy!
You each have your own cube on the emoji bar.
If Alex chooses you,
should you be so lucky, your cube will light up.
It's showtime.
The scanner will scan you,
and that scan will get sent right up to Alex's text box.
And let me tell you, guys,
there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time.
You're gonna love it. Really.
Now, over here is the favorites section
where you'll find all the most popular emojis.
And, of course, you'll find my cube here.
You are smooth.
Just doing my duty.
What? What did I say?
Rocket looking to party.
Come on, tell me you aren't just a little bit tempted.
Steven, for the last time,
I don't want to buy a time-share.
Come on, man, it's Hi-5. You know me, I'm a favorite.
Alex hasn't picked you in weeks.
And if he stops picking you, you're no longer a favorite.
It's got to be some sort of mistake.
I mean, look at me, I'm an attractive hand giving a high five.
Fist Bump. Come on in.
Hey.
Fist Bump? He's a knucklehead. Literally.
Look at him. I can look like that.
Cramp. Huge mistake.
Help. Help me. Help up the hand.
There you go.
Thanks, mate.
Hey, little Meh, how about you create a distraction,
and then I'll just slip under the rope?
Is someone lost?
Smiler, hi. Just leaving.
Yeah, you know, just killing time
before I go back to my cube in the far corner
where Alex can't even see me anymore!
You may not be a favorite anymore,
but you will always have a place in the cube.
Yeah, in the nosebleeds.
I'm standing right here. Words hurt.
The most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself.
Blah.
I was made to be happy, so I am always smiling.
Places, please. Emojis to your cubes.
Attention. We've got incoming.
Got to be meh. Got to be meh.
My gosh, my own cube.
I can't believe it. I could put a plant over here.
And over here could go an inspirational calendar.
Okay. Got to be meh. Got to be meh.
Look at our son down there.
I'm just beaming
with pride.
You don't think he'll actually get picked, do you?
Hie-ro-gly-phics.
Hieroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms.
Does that remind anyone of anything?
Hello? A language of pictures. Anyone?
Early hieroglyphs date back as far as 3,300...
I got to reply to Addie's text.
What should I write?
Nothing.
Words aren't cool.
Okay. Be cool. Be cool.
All right, Alex is not sure how he wants to play this.
I would really love it to be me.
Beam me up! Beam me up!
I need Thumbs Up on standby.
Yeah! Thumbs Up is going in!
Wait! Alex is changing his mind.
He's moving.
Okay. Looks like it's gonna be Meh.
I'm so nervous, I could almost shrug.
We are go for Meh.
Initiating scan.
Okay. You can do this.
I can't do this! I can't do it!
What is this?
Stop the scan!
I can't! It's too late!
Meh, meh, meh, meh. My goodness, I'm freaking out!
What's he doing?
He's making the wrong face!
Good for him! Little... Wait, what?
Be meh! Be meh! Be meh!
Abort! Abort!
Shut it down! Shut it down!
What is that emoji?
Wrong emoji sent! Evacuate the Meh cube!
Evacuate the cube!
I got to get out of here.
Get that bozo out of there!
I'm trying!
No!
My God.
The humanity.
Medic.
Sorry, everybody. That was not what I meant to do.
I kinda...
I kinda panicked.
Are you even a Meh at all?
Course he is.
He's my spitting image.
If you have expressions other than meh,
what you are is a malfunction.
Malfunction?
No! I can be meh. Just give me one more chance.
That's not gonna happen.
You know what would be really fun?
A board meeting.
Where we could figure out what to do with you!
I knew there was something wrong with him.
A malfunction?
What's gonna happen to him?
He can't work on the phone.
What would Alex think?
What do his parents think?
I just wanted to be useful, you know? Fit in.
Now everybody thinks I'm a malfunction.
I am a malfunction.
Even if you are a malfunction, Gene,
your mom and dad still love ya.
I knew you weren't ready.
Let's get you out of here and take you home.
One day, all this will blow over,
and everyone will almost forget about what you did.
Until then,
you should probably stay locked up in the apartment.
Wait. You want to hide me away?
You're embarrassed of me.
It's for your own safety.
We're trying to protect you, son.
Gene? Where are you going?
I'm not gonna run away from this.
I'm an emoji, and even though I'm not sure exactly which one,
I've got to have some sort of purpose here.
I know it.
Gene, no.
Sweetie, please.
Boy.
A malfunction...
Order! Order!
The motion is carried.
So, how'd it go, Gavel?
Hey, Light Bulb, tell me what's going on in there.
What? Poop, what is it?
Tell me, turd. Tell me true. What happened?
I know it was an accident. We all have accidents.
You're so soft, Poop.
Not too soft, I hope.
Gene!
We were just gonna come looking for you.
Why don't you come inside the boardroom,
and we can have a teeny, weeny chat.
Um, I came up here to defend myself, but you seem pretty happy.
So, good news?
Right. I'm always happy.
Right. Hashtag truth.
Well, the only thing that could ever make me unhappy
is if one of our emoji team made a mistake,
which caused Alex to lose faith in the phone.
And then our whole world gets wiped out.
Smiler, I double-pinky-swear promise to you
that I will never, ever make a mistake in the cube again.
We know you won't, Gene.
We know you won't.
You know, the first time you said it,
it sounded genuine, but then you repeated it,
and then, that was weird.
That's because we're setting you up
with our best Anti-Virus Bots.
So, they'll like... They'll just... They're gonna fix me?
Actually, delete you. But yes!
If you get deleted,
you don't have to worry about
what your purpose is or the future
or why you're such a malfunction.
'Cause you're deleted, right?
All right, good talk.
Bots!
No!
Don't let him escape!
Party time! Wait a minute...
The air is better here.
Beer, Tea.
I'm Coffee!
Sorry. Sheesh. So edgy.
My old cube.
Take a hike, Mike.
-My name's not Mike.
-What?
There's AV Bots coming!
For me?
Just because I'm in the wrong section?
Holy deleto!
What do we do?
Quick! This way!
Let's go.
Don't tell anyone you're about to see this.
They'll never find us down here.
Where are we? The basement?
No. Welcome to the Loser Lounge,
where the emojis who never get used hang out.
Go fish, Fish Cake With Swirl.
Sweep so you won't cry. Sweep so you won't cry.
Sweep so you won't cry.
I almost got deleted.
Me, Hi-5.
Hey. What's up, Hi-5?
They weren't trying to delete you. They were trying to delete me.
You? What's so important about you
they'd send out an entire team of Bots?
They say I'm a malfunction.
You bringing malfunctions in here now, Hi-5?
For crying out loud, Abandoned Luggage,
that had better not be my leftover Chinese food.
What Chinese food?
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be living large, hashtag blessed,
the favorite of the favorites, and then demoted to this pit of despair?
Here, will you hit my calluses for me?
At least you're a working emoji.
That's all I ever wanted.
Well, if that's all it'll take
for you to be satisfied, then just find a hacker and get reprogrammed.
It's not that complicated.
Where would I find a hacker?
In the Piracy app. Duh.
Who took my clear nail polish?
Piracy app?
To get there, I mean, I'd have to leave Textopolis.
So? I've done it. Would you be a brother?
One of the Princess emojis left the phone altogether.
Now she lives on the cloud.
That is good.
I'm sure the hacker that helped her do that could easily reprogram you.
The name's Jailbreak.
Jailbreak?
That's great! Reprogrammed.
I just need to be reprogrammed,
and then, I can finally be the Meh I was meh to be.
Help me find that hacker, Hi-5. Will you? Please?
Maybe this hacker could help you, too.
Like rewrite some code, get you into the favorites section.
Wait a minute.
I've been trying to use my charisma
and sense of entitlement to get me back on top,
but all I need is a hacker.
Today's your lucky day. Let's roll.
Hey, can I come, too?
Talk to the hand, Red Wagon.
I thought I was.
Bye, Felicia.
Ciao, Fish Cake with Swirl.
Daddy's heading back to the VIPs where he belongs!
Wait. What about the Bots?
Good point. Good point.
Ouch!
Hey.
I shouldn't have picked the cactus.
I just... I shouldn't have picked it.
You didn't even try to get the tree.
It's baffling. Let's go.
Hi-5?
Hello?
Hi-5?
Where are you?
I'm right here!
Gene!
Here we are, end of the text app.
No way.
Come on, Gene. It's perfectly safe.
Gene, help me!
The wallpaper monster's got me!
No! Hold on, hold on!
Hi-5!
No. This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Hi-5! I'm...
I'm just messing with you.
It's one of those rubber finger-monster puppets
from the '80s. I collected the whole set.
All right, you coming?
What do I do?
What do you mean?
Just take a step through the other side.
This is it.
The next time I come back here,
I'll be a real Meh.
Hi-5?
No!
Are you finished?
Where are we?
Welcome to the Wallpaper.
This place is incredible.
Each app is its own unique world.
That's my face. You're on my... Thank you.
What is this place?
WeChat.
It's like a whole other world.
It is.
What are they?
They're Bubble Pups. They might be cute, but, man, are they clingy.
Whee!
They're stickers, Gene.
Try to get with the program.
This is so cool.
Wait. What's in that one?
-Guys, look at this picture.
-Look at my baby.
This is what I ate for breakfast.
-This is what I ate for lunch!
-Here's me on a hike!
Here's me in the gym! Here's me in the bathroom!
Everybody's talking about themselves.
How does he know so many people?
None of these people know him, but they like him,
and that's what matters in this life, popularity.
I...
I think I'd...
I think I'd rather just have a real friend.
A real friend? How's that gonna get you anywhere?
What you need are fans.
They give you complete and unrelenting support.
As long as you're on top.
Poor Gene. I blame myself.
I blame you, too.
I just wanted to be supportive.
You just wanted a vacation.
You take that back, Mel Meh.
Bots.
If they haven't found Gene by now, he must have skipped town.
You mean the Wallpaper?
Our boy's on the run.
How about we find him ourselves?
Yeah, for sure.
Tell all Bots to follow those Mehs.
I'm sure they'll know all the
freaky-deaky apps Gene will hide out in.
I'm really good at making plans, you guys.
Right?
Here we are. The Piracy app.
This is where we'll find Jailbreak.
Um... But this is the Dictionary.
That's just what Alex wants his parents to think.
This is called a skin.
Really? What could a teenage boy
possibly want to hide from his parents?
Just try to keep up. This place can get a little rough.
Ahoy, mateys.
Look who's back!
Hi-5!
I'm a bit of a celebrity here. Always welcome.!
Loser!
Come on. Follow me.
Great. Emojis.
I thought the conversation just got dumber.
Internet trolls. Just ignore them.
Eventually, they'll get a job or a girlfriend
or some sort of purpose in life, and they'll stop.
Virus. We'll just... We'll just walk over this way.
Hi! It's so great to see you again.
Do I know you?
It's Spam. Just sign here and I can get you special discounts on vitamins
and credit card offers that can save you up to 25%.
No, no, no, don't get sucked in.
Back off, Spam!
It's the only way to deal... Back off!
Thank you very much!
You can illegally download our CD right here.
Hey, Trojan Horse. How are you?
Yeah, what'll it be, hand?
I'll have a bottle of "Hack Daniel's."
Maybe with a plate of cheese and hackers?
You trying to find a hacker?
You can just ask, you know.
Sorry. Um, yes.
We're looking for a hacker named Jailbreak.
I know a guy that can hook you up.
Right over there.
He looks capable.
No, not him. Her.
Wait. He's a she?
Hey, Jailbreak.
Mind if we join you?
Yes.
That's the thing about the Internet, isn't it?
You can never tell if someone's being ironic or sincere.
I sincerely, unironically want you to go away.
That's a good one.
So, here's the thing. My friend Gene here has a little problem.
Well, see, I'm supposed to be a Meh,
but I don't really feel...
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, that's good. And we thought
you could help, since you got the Princess,
you know, off the phone.
Not interested.
Hold up. That's not a Meh face.
Bots! They're after me!
How are you doing that?
Look, it's just something I can do. Can you help us?
Follow me.
Bots! Delete my history!
I corrupted the entire hard drive.
I made the most delicious cinnamon buns.
Maybe if there was something to, you know, jog my memory.
Come on! Move!
Hey, Trolls, why is that mailbox wearing a tuxedo?
Hi! It's so great to see you again! Call me!
This tunnel will get us out of here.
Move!
Did that cloud taste sweet to you?!
Help me! Help! I'm stuck!
Sweet motherboard!
Where am I?
Get me out of here.
Hey, Palm Face.
Try getting him out the top!
Already on it!
Hold tight, Gene.
This feels very odd, and it smells.
I mean, it smells good, it smells delicious, but I still don't like it.
The game obviously thinks you're a candy,
even though you're weirdly misshapen, you know?
What are we gonna do?
Stay very still.
Don't worry. We've got your back. Right, Hi-5?
Hey, Fingers! You want to focus?
For your information, I happen to have a sugar addiction,
and it's a very serious...
Listen, Finger Head!
We have to get Gene out of the game without blowing him up.
I don't want to blow up.
We have to match up the candies,
so that Gene will drop to the bottom.
And we can't match him with any yellows, or else...
Don't do that. Please don't do that.
Watch.
Match three in a row.
Don't blow Gene up. Got it.
And we have to be very careful.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Careful.
-Candy!
Watch it!
Hey!
No! No, no, no! Slow down.
Not the yellows! Not the yellows.
I said careful!
My mom just joined Facebook. Can you believe she wanted to friend me?
Hey, Addie, I was just wondering if you are...
Tasty.
What?
Um... Excuse me?
Sweet.
Hey, Addie!
Hi, Nikki.
See you later, Alex.
Sugar Crush.
So over this.
Wireless Wireless. How may I help you?
I'd like to make an appointment.
It's like this phone is playing games with me.
Hey, what does this do?
No!
Get me out of here!
No! Stop it! Stop, stop!
It's not working.
Well, there's one option left.
We line you up with the yellows.
But you said not to do that.
Special candies get transported to that jar.
The game might think you're a special candy.
And what if it doesn't think I'm a special candy?
Well...
Jailbreak, hello? Hello, Jailbreak?
Sorry.
What if it doesn't think I'm a special candy?
I'm not too worried about it.
Okay, just do it.
Gene!
Gene?
Hey. No!
Gene! You're alive!
You were trying to see if I had somehow
turned into candy, weren't you?
Yes, I was. And you have not.
Hey. Looks like something popped up on Alex's calendar.
I'm sure it's nothing.
Alex made an appointment at the phone store.
No!
Calm down, everyone!
Calm down.
Don't worry. Everything is fine.
Maybe Alex just wants to buy some accessories.
His appointment is with technical support.
Well, I'm sure we still have plenty of time to figure this out.
His appointment is for tomorrow.
Then maybe it's just for some routine maintenance.
Actually, it's to erase the phone.
Listen, Gene, I'm about to become your knight in shining armor.
You are?
Yeah.
But first, we need to get uploaded to the cloud.
That's where we'll find the source code to reprogram you.
The cloud?
Isn't that off the phone?
Ding, ding, ding, ding. You got it.
Yeah, the cloud. Off the phone.
We're in Candy Crush, obvs.
I know a shortcut to Just Dance,
which is right next to Dropbox,
where we can get uploaded to the cloud.
Of course. Just Dance, then boogie over to Dropbox,
catch the link, and zoom.
Hold up. Here's the stinker.
Before they let us into the cloud,
we have to get past this firewall.
The firewall uses face identification.
Yeah, the firewall.
Which is really annoying, because I've already tried to get through.
Guessed wrong once, and now I'm locked out for life.
Locked out for life?
You're thinking, 'cause I can make different faces,
the firewall will think I'm different emojis.
Yeah.
I wanted to say it 'cause it was my idea.
You know, women are always coming up with stuff
that men are taking credit for.
You know what...
Well, then let's hit the road.
Hi-5, you coming?
I'm coming!
Why do I always think I'm gonna come around on black licorice?
My precious.
Hey! Move it!
Certain death, here we come.
Let's try this one.
YouTube?
What a visual treat.
And I don't even need a remote.
That guy is so expressive.
He reminds me of Gene.
Yeah. Something really wrong with him.
Our son is a malfunction,
and you should never have let him go into that cube.
Don't blame me for this, Mel.
I am hopping mad at you.
See?
Mary, I think we're being followed.
But don't overreact.
I told you not to overreact.
What are you doing now?
They'll be in there for hours.
Mary, where are you going?
I think we should go our separate ways, Mel.
I thought I knew the Meh that I married,
but maybe I don't.
But, Mary...
This tunnel will help us avoid the Bots.
Thanks for helping us. It's really nice of you.
NBD, dude. The truth is, you're helping me.
Come on, let's move it. Why so slow?
Hi-5, stop. Why are you getting so close? What's with you? Back off.
Can't stop now. I'm having a sugar rush!
I'll go around you. If I stop moving, my heart's gonna explode!
Coming through, Jailbreak! Look out!
Hey! Watch it, Knuckle Butt!
I can't feel my face.
So, Jailbreak, back there you said I'm helping you.
I've been trying to get past that firewall for months.
Come on, come on!
The faster we get there, the faster I become a favorite!
Look at me!
I just want to bounce out of here,
get off the phone, and live on the cloud.
What just happened?
You don't like it here?
There's so many rules here. What is up with that?
The cloud is supposed to be amazing.
There's so much to see and do.
Sugar crash.
I can't hold on anymore.
Catch me, Gene. Catch me!
And you can be whoever you want.
Thanks.
You're free! Come on!
My gosh, my hands are sweating.
You are a hand!
Yeah!
You know, come to think of it, I don't really remember
there ever being a hacker emoji.
Um, you know, you're taking up too much of my brain space.
Let's keep the chitchat to a minimum.
Someone likes you.
What are you talking about?
This is just like when Peace Sign gave me just one finger.
I knew she was in love with me.
Let's go!
I'm never eating another piece of candy ever again.
Hi-5, don't do it.
Don't you do it. It's already been in there once.
Don't do it.
Are my fingers getting fat?
I'll tell you what, this bandage wasn't so tight before.
Okay. We get through this app, and Dropbox is right on the other side.
We just need to keep it super DL in here.
And no matter what, we can't turn it on.
OMG, this turned it on!
What? I'm a hand. It's a big, red button.
What's happening?
No, no, no, no, no!
Welcome to Just Dance!
Follow my moves and you get to move forward.
Do the wrong moves and you get an "X."
Three strikes and you're out.
Out? What does she mean by "Out"?
Digital death.
Thanks to you, Fingers. Now we're gonna have to dance our way out.
Which is all right with me, 'cause I can shake it like Michael.
Or Michael's glove, anyway.
Are you ready to dance?
This is bad, Gene. I can't dance. I got no groove.
Come on. Everybody can dance.
Not me, okay? I'm really stiff.
See? I can't... Don't understand.
Okay. No, no...
Stop, stop. She has to stop.
I see now what you are saying. Just follow her moves.
Ready to dance in three...
This I can't do.
Two...
Dude...
Just shut up and...
Dance!
It's too easy! Hee-hee! Shamone!
Jailbreak!
I got you.
Look. Just feel the music.
Express yourself.
Through dance?
Yeah, you got it! Go, girl!
Now throw some sauce on that dance burrito.
I'm doing it!
I'm fully nailing this dance!
You got it!
Great job! You're moving on to free dance!
Impress us with your moves to move forward.
More dancing?
You're killing it, Gene! Slay!
Nice! Shake it, Gene. You won't break it.
Wait a minute!
I've never seen that dance before.
What's it called?
Um... The Emoji Pop?
I love it!
What? You do?
Everybody, do the Emoji Pop!
Hoo!
Yes!
Princess.
You're the Princess emoji?
You never got off the phone.
Welcome, new players!
What?
Who?
No!
We got to go.
Don't worry.
They're robots. They can't dance.
Downloading funk protocol.
"Can't dance," he says.
Move!
Congratulations. You're a disco diva.
Hey, Alex, you gonna dance for us?
Alex, that's extra homework for you.
Hey, Alex, you gonna shake it?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Alex must be deleting the app.
Watch out!
We got to get out of here.
Come on!
This song is my jam.
Hi-5, come on! Let's go!
Hurry!
Hi-5!
Gene!
I got you!
Gene...
Hi-5!
Gene.
Hey, wait. Where's Hi-5?
Alex trashed the app.
And Hi-5 right along with it.
Wait, what? Wait, trashed?
Hi-5 is in the trash?
He wanted to dance.
But I knew it was a bad idea.
We got to get him out of there.
Gene, Dropbox is right here. That's our ticket to the cloud.
And the trash is on the other side of the phone.
We don't know how many other Bots are out there.
I'm sorry.
No way. We can't go without Hi-5.
I don't care how far away it is.
That's my friend down there.
I'm not just gonna leave him to get deleted.
What? What is it?
I've always just thought you got to look out for number one.
Well, what good is it to be number one
if there aren't any other numbers?
Okay.
I'm sorry. This is my malfunction.
I just... I can't be meh about anything.
This is why I'm going to get reprogrammed.
Well, it's actually kind of cool.
Wait, really?
You know, I think I know a shortcut.
We can take the music streams in Spotify.
Let's go give that big hand a hand.
Come on.
Alex trashed the Just Dance app, and our Bots are offline,
and it's giving me a real headache.
I am so angry.
I really need to stay happy.
Can we please lighten the mood?
No one can resist una fiesta!
Not that happy.
We've only got four hours before Alex's phone appointment.
If they find a malfunction on the phone, we are all gonna be wiped.
Yeah.
She said, "Wiped."
Aim higher, Steven.
I didn't want to have to do this,
but it is fun to press buttons.
The illegal upgrade.
Now that makes me happy.
I just want to dance.
Dance, please.
Arr! Quiet, you sassy gypsy.
Where am I?
Hi! It's so great to see you again!
You're in the trash, Fingers for Brains.
Get away from me, Troll.
Hi!
It's so great to see you again!
I got to get out of here.
You can't.
And at the end of the day,
the trash gets emptied, and we're all gonna die!
No. No, no!
This is the last face you will ever see.
No!
This is Spotify?
Yep.
Every one of those streams is a different song.
Is it safe?
Yeah!
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Fastest way to the trash, dude!
Could we at least pick a calmer stream?
Okay, buzzkill.
Alex. A bunch of people are hitting the promenade.
I think Addie might be there, too.
That's perfect!
I have an appointment down there, anyway.
I've got to get this phone fixed.
Hey, bubble butt.
Yeah, you do.
Much better.
So, I got to ask.
Is it true that when a princess whistles,
birds fly down from the skies, and...
Hello, stereotype. That is a complete and total myth.
I'm sorry.
Did you realize that on the first emoji set,
a woman can either be a princess or a bride?
That's why I need to get to the cloud,
where you can be whoever you want to be.
Get ready. Whale song coming.
-Wait, wait. Whale what?
-A whale song.
From Alex's biology presentation.
You're not gonna see that sitting around in a cube.
It's funny. You want out of the cube, and I want in.
Gene, if that means you can't be yourself, what's the point?
You know, I think you're pretty cool just the way you are.
We're gonna need this.
In the trash? Me? I used to be somebody.
Here I am. Look. In an old e-mail Alex never sent.
"Addie, blah, blah, blah, blah, bla-la-la-la."
And then there's me, Hi-5,
right there, doing my job.
FYI, nobody cares about you.
Just leave me, Troll, and let me die
in this dump alone.
Let me look for the world's smallest violin in here,
so you can play it.
It's the Hand Angel of Mercy. She's finally come for me.
Give me your hand!
I mean, give me yourself.
Take my hand, angel.
I'm ready to take my place amongst the other great hands of the past.
It's me, Gene!
Gene?
I got him!
Take me with you.
Hi-5!
Let go of me.
Don't leave me down here!
You were wrong, Troll. People do care about me.
And I'm not upset, Troll.
Do you see how not upset I am?
Gene, you came back for me.
You saved me.
It wasn't just me. Jailbreak helped, too.
And she's a hugger. Give her a squeeze.
No, no, no.
There really is nothing greater
than the feeling of being truly free.
You filthy trolls, I inhaled your stench,
but I was once one of you, so I, too, feel your pain.
Now go. Be free!
Should be smooth sailing from here.
Gene.
Gene.
Gene?
Are you Instagramming?
Where is my Gene?
Mary.
You've really done it this time.
No, you haven't.
Mel?
What are you doing in Alex's trip to France album?
I was looking for you.
None of this is your fault, Mary.
It's mine.
What do you mean?
Is that a tear on your cheek?
It's my fault Gene is the way he is.
I have other expressions, too.
I think they've just been buried away.
But with Gene going missing and thinking I might have lost you, too...
Mel. Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't know myself.
Right now, I'm so overwhelmed with passionate feelings for you.
Mary, my love for you burns with the intensity
of a red-hot flame.
I like that, Mel.
Let's go find our son.
Together.
We'll always have Paris, Mary.
So, you're a princess.
I saw your little tiara. Very fancy.
Is it true when a princess whistles,
birds fly down from...
That's what I said!
No, guys! That's a stupid myth!
What software version are we living in?
Go read an e-book.
Educate yourselves.
Just look behind you.
What the...
What is that?
Smiler must have upgraded her Bots.
Let's get out of here before it...
Hi, Gene. Remember me? Smiler.
I'm coming to you live from the amphitheater.
Why don't you come back to Textopolis
and we can talk through our differences, okay?
My friend here will escort you, all right?
I'm gonna see you soon, buddy. Bye, now.
We're actually gonna delete him in front of everyone.
Psst! It's still on!
It's still what?
Jiminy Sassafras!
Move!
Separate!
Tangle him up!
Jailbreak!
Gene! This way!
It's still after me!
Let's go.
We have to make it to Dropbox.
Yes!
No!
Go low!
Don't worry. It can't get in.
It's illegal malware, and this app is secure.
Come on.
Welcome to Dropbox.
You are about to leave the phone.
Remain seated, please.
You might want to hang on.
Why do they call this Dropbox, anyway?
This is why! I see that now!
Yeah!
I think we're about to see that candy corn again!
We made it.
Hoo!
Guys, guys, chill. We still have to get past that.
Holy...
Yeah.
Hello.
Welcome to the firewall.
How may I help you?
All right, here goes.
What do I do?
Sit in the corner and don't say a word.
Keep those sausage fingers to yourself.
Yes, Your Majesty Princess of Nightmares!
Now, Gene, step onto the password icon,
and I'll feed you the passwords.
Okay.
Okay. 10-11-2002.
10-11-2002.
Access denied.
Okay, try a different expression.
Is it gonna blast me every time I mess up?
Yeah, kinda.
What do you mean, "Kinda"?
Ready?
Welcome to the firewall.
His favorite food. Chimichangas.
Chimichangas?
Access denied.
This might take a while.
Boy.
Krav Maga.
Krav Maga.
Major Lazer.
Major Lazer.
Abuela Dora!
Skate or die.
Access denied.
Denied.
I don't get it.
We've tried all the important things in Alex's life.
His favorite pet, sport, his favorite grandma.
I'm sorry, Gene.
I let us all down.
You know, if I had to come up with a password,
I'd probably use the name of a girl I liked.
I've been all over the phone.
He's never mentioned a girl.
Yes, he has.
Hi. When I was in the trash, I read a very interesting e-mail,
but I'm just the dunce in the corner, forbidden to speak.
What e-mail?
Sorry, what?
What e-mail?
To a girl at school.
He was declaring his feelings of love for her.
I guess instead of sending it, he tossed it in the trash.
Hi-5, this is very important.
What is her name?
Her name, yes. Excellent question.
It was Tina.
Karen.
Marge. Lindsey.
Alison.
Sarah or Lupita.
I want to say Lupita,
but that doesn't feel right now I'm saying it out loud.
Jennifer.
Got to find that e-mail.
Phillipa.
I think I can access the trash.
Annabelle.
-I got it! Addie!
-Yes!
Yes! That's it! Addie!
I knew I'd get there.
"Dear Addie, you and I, we're like diamonds in the sky.
"You're a shooting star I see,
"a vision of ecstasy.
"Shine bright like a diamond."
And he used a high five, see?
I guess now we know why he trashed it.
Shade.
Guys, should we try this?
Addie.
Access granted.
Snap.
This place is amazing.
The cloud.
I can't believe it.
One little emoji could sure get lost in a place like this.
I guess we should make you a Meh
before that Bot comes back?
So, we're gonna... We're gonna do that now?
We had a deal.
Right?
Yeah, okay. Right.
I, guess I'll start hacking.
We did it, Gene.
All our dreams are coming true.
I'll be an Alex favorite again, and you'll be a real Meh.
Yeah!
Yeah, but this all seems kind of super-fast now, though.
Doesn't it?
Hi-5, I just didn't expect to be having these feelings right now.
Well, maybe you should go and express them while you still can.
So, I've been... I mean, um...
Ever since we...
Jailbreak, you're the coolest, most interesting emoji I've ever met.
And after all the adventures that we had,
I'm just not sure I want all that to go away,
because my feelings right now are, like, huge.
I just think that they could be enough for me to want to stay the way I am.
If it means I could stay here with you.
Like, forever.
Forever and ever and ever.
Maybe longer than that even.
Like in the fairy tales.
Like, what is "? Is that a good "?
Gene, if this is about you deciding not to be meh,
then I am all about that.
I like you just the way you are.
But I had a plan.
Right.
I'm not just some princess, Gene, waiting for my prince.
I mean, what you said was beautiful, but...
Gene.
You're all meh.
The source code worked!
Turns out I didn't need it.
For the first time in my life, meh is all I feel.
No! Gene!
Hi. I have an appointment. I'm a little early.
No problem. I can take you right now.
Jailbreak!
Don't do that!
That freaky huge Bot has got Gene back inside the phone.
What?
He left looking more meh than the meh-est meh face I've ever seen.
What did you say to him?
It's what I didn't say.
We've got to go get him.
How are we gonna get in there in time before he gets deleted?
I can't believe I'm doing this.
You tell anyone you saw this, and I'll crack more than those knuckles.
Birds do love princesses!
It's not a myth.
It's not a myth at all!
What happened to becoming a favorite?
Guess I'd rather have one real friend.
And let's go get him.
I can't wait to see the look on Gene's face!
Look at that expression.
Is that for realizing you've put all of Textopolis at risk,
causing Alex to question our reliability?
Hey, that's going too far, even for me.
If we can delete this malfunction before his appointment,
they'll discover there's nothing wrong with the phone.
Any last words?
Meh.
Well, it's too late for that.
Delete him!
Wait.
You delete Gene, you'll have to delete me, too.
I have the same malfunction Gene does.
Dad?
Gosh, I don't know what to do.
Yes, I do.
Bot!
No!
Sorry, Mrs. Meh.
I did not see that one coming.
Smiler, I think you might be making
too much stink out of all this.
Really? How about you're next?
I was wrong, Gene.
I should've believed in you all along.
What a touching daddy-son reunion moment.
It reminds me of the time I deleted you both.
Wait. That's this time!
Delete the two malfunctions!
No.
How's that for an...
Great.
I can't reach!
No! What did you do to my beautiful...
My tooth.
Hand, button.
Jailbreak?
Gene.
You really are a Meh.
What happened to looking out for number one?
Being number one doesn't matter
if there aren't any other numbers.
Alex's appointment!
He's deleting the phone!
No, no, no!
Show me Alex.
Are you sure you want to delete everything?
Do it.
Red alert! Red alert!
Alex, no!
Game over.
Fellas, I'm afraid this is last call.
Dude, Addie's here. You should go over.
Every time I try, I screw it up.
I don't know how to tell her how I feel.
If we help Alex connect to Addie, maybe he won't delete us.
I might be able to bypass the wipe and get a text through to him.
But we'll only have time to send one.
Maybe I should go.
He has love in his eyes.
Send me. Alex looks nervous, too.
He's more shy than nervous.
Stop!
It's Gene.
He's all of those things.
An emoji should only be one thing.
Really?
The Princess!
Linda!
Not now, Mom!
Gene, you got this.
That's not me anymore.
But I have to try.
It's starting!
No, it's ending!
I'm working on it.
Mom? Dad?
No.
I'm in.
Last time I was in this cube, I screwed everything up.
Gene, why do you think I came back?
It's because of you.
Me?
It's all inside of you, Gene.
Just try to bring it back.
And do you.
Hi-5!
I don't want to wave good-bye.
It's now or never, Gene.
Jailbreak, now!
Check out this emoji.
No way.
Hey, I got your text.
That's one super-cool emoji.
I know, right?
A lot of feelings in one. I get it.
I like that you're one of those guys
who can actually express his feelings.
Yeah. That's me.
So, do you think you'd want to...
Yes.
I'd love to go to the dance with you.
Hey, excuse me.
We made it!
I could've lost you, Peter Pinkie.
Or you, Reggie Ring Finger.
Even you, Tiberius Thumb.
Change your mind?
Yeah, maybe it's weird, but...
I'm gonna hold on to it.
Gene, you did it!
You saved us all!
Mel.
Gene! Gene!
Gene! Gene! Gene!
Gene. Gene. Gene.
Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene!
Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene!
They love us! And Hi-5!
And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5!
They love both of us!
Hey, what up, Gene? Slap me some skin.
And a little porridge for the pinkie.
Hey, Hi-5, save me a dance for later.
As long as you're not all hands again.
Back on top of the hand pile.
You're not on the list.
-Wait, what?
-What's going on?
From now on, everyone is welcome!
Wait, what is all this?
It's for you, Gene.
Everybody, the Emoji Pop!
This is jazzy.
Yeah.
Go, Eggplant! Go, Eggplant! Go, Eggplant!
We are out of Alex's pocket, emojis.
This is not a butt dial.
To your cubes.
-Are we up and running?
-Roger that.
Good, 'cause we got incoming. Looks like it's gonna be Gene.
Hey, Gene, ready to try out your new cube?
In three, two...

Read more: www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=the-emoji-movie

Chihiro Fujisaki
Blackened

hello world!

Posts: 540

YEET Sept 4, 2018 17:17:43 GMT

Post by Chihiro Fujisaki on Sept 4, 2018 17:17:43 GMT

JAWS

BEACH
Cassidy: What's your name again?
Chrissie Watkins: Chrissie!
Cassidy: Where are we going?
Chrissie: Swimming!
Cassidy: Slow up, slow down! I'm not drunk! Slow down! Wait I'm coming! I'm
coming! I'm definitely
coming! Wait, slow up! I can swim -- just can't walk or dress myself.
Chrissie: Come on in the water!
Cassidy: Take it easy. Take it easy.
Chrissie: Oh! God help me! God! Argh! God help!
Cassidy: I'm coming... I'm coming.
Chrissie: It hurts! It hurts! Oh my god! God help me! God please help!

BRODY'S HOUSE
Martin Brody: How come the sun didn't use to shine in here.
Ellen Brody: We bought the house in the fall, this is summer.
Ellen: Somebody feed the dogs, huh?
Martin: Right.
Ellen: See the kids?
Martin: They must be in the backyard.
Ellen: In Amity, you say: yahd.
Martin: There in the yahd, not too fah from the cah. How's that?
Ellen: Like your from New York.
Michael Brody: Mom I got cut, I got bit by a vampire.
Martin: You guys were playing on those swings. Weren't -[Phone rings] Stay
off them, I haven't fixed them yet!
Ellen: I think you're gonna live.
Martin: Hello, yeah ---- what the hell do they usually do, wash up or float
or what? Ah nah, nah, nah keep him there. Keep him there, I'll be out in
about fifteen... fifteen, twenty minutes. All right. Okay. Gotta go, missing
person. season hasn't started nobody's even here yet.
Ellen: Listen chief, be careful will ya?
Martin: In this town? --- Hey!
Ellen: David, lemme get on. I want my cup back!
Martin: You'll get it
Ellen: Okay. Wave good-bye. Bye!

BEACH
Martin: Now nobody saw her go in the water?
Cassidy: Somebody could have. I was so passed out.
Martin: You mean she ran out on ya.
Cassidy: No sir! She must have drowned. Look I reported it to ya didn't I?
Martin: You live here?
Cassidy: Nah, Hartford. I go to Trinity. My folks live in Grenich.
Martin: Your folks were born here right?
Cassidy: Yeah, I'm an islander. They moved off when my dad retired. You an
islander?
Martin: No, New York state. You here for the summer. [Whistle] Come on! ---
Hold it. Oh Jesus.

HEADQUARTERS
Polly: Well your up awful early. Is the chief in there? Well chief, what have
you got on.
Martin: Polly, if this filing system is gonna work, you gotta keep that
outdated stuff off my desk - just depending, all right?
Polly: Yes chief. Now we got a bunch of calls about that karate school. It
seems the nine year olds from the school have been karateing the picket
fences. [Phone rings] Chief Brody's office? It's the medical inspector.
Martin: Yeah.
Polly: Now the fire chief wants you to go over the fourth of July --
Martin: Polly I want the list of all the water activities that the city
fathers are planning for today. All right.
Polly: Right away?
Martin: Hendricks, where do we keep the beach closed signs.
Hendricks: We never had any.
Martin: No?
Citizen: Hey chief, chief, chief! I was trying to find ya chief, there's a
damn truck with New Hampshire plates on it smack in front of my store!
Martin: Just have him fill out the form. Just fill it out.

PARADE
Harry: Hey, look what those kids did to my fence. 89 year old with glasses!
Martin: With glasses.
Harry: And look at this! They did it with their bare hands!
Martin: I'll call you in the afternoon , look I promise.

HARDWARE STORE
Customer: This stuff ain't gonna help me in August. The summer kings come
down here in June! You haven't got one thing on here I ordered. Not a beach
umbrella, not a sun lounger, no beach balls... If I can't get service from
you I'll go and get service...

OUTSIDE STORE
Hendricks: Chief, chief! Polly sent me to find you to tell you that there's a
bunch of boy scouts out on April bay doing their mile swim for their merit
badges. I couldn't call them in there's no phones out there.
Martin: Okay, c'mon, get out of there. Take this stuff back to the office and
get to work on those signs: "Beaches Closed - No Swimming by order of the
Amity PD". And let Polly do the printing.
Hendricks: What's the matter with my printing?
Martin: Let Polly do the printing.
Vaughn: Hey! Chief! Chief Brody!

PARADE
Meadows: Listen we had a shark attack at South Beach this morning mayor!
Mayor I ...

FERRY
Scout Leader: K Albert! C'mon you goof keep your arms up! [Continues to yell
at kids]
Martin: Charlie take me out to those kids will ya?
Vaughn: Martin? Martin, you gonna shut down the beaches on your own authority?
Martin: Well, what other authority do I need?
Meadows: Well technically you need a civic ordinance or a resolution by a
board of selectives -
Vaughn: That's just going by the book. We're really a little anxious that
you're, uh, you're rushing into something serious here. It's your first
summer you know.
Martin: What does that mean?
Vaughn: I'm only trying to say that Amity is a summer town. We need summer
dollars. If the people can't swim here they'll be glad to swim at the beaches
of Cape Cod, Hampton, Long Island.
Martin: That doesn't mean we have to serve them up a smorgasbord.
Meadows: But we never had that kind of trouble in these waters.
Martin: But what else could have done that to that girl?
Vaughn: Boat propeller?
Medical Examiner: Well, I think, uh, possibly, uh, yes a boating accident. A
boat -
Martin: That's not what you told me over the phone.
Medical Examiner: I was wrong. We'll have to amend our reports.
Martin: And you'll stand by that?
Medical Examiner: I'll stand by it.
Vaughn: Martin. A summer girl goes swimming. Swims out a little far. She
tires. A fishing boat comes along...
Meadows: It's happened before.
Vaughn: I don't think you appreciate the gut reaction people have to these
things.
Martin: Harry, I appreciate it. I'm just reacting to what I was told!
Vaughn: Martin, i-it's all psychological. You yell `barracuda!', everybody
says `huh, what?'. You yell `shark!' and we've got a panic on our hands on
the fourth of July. --- Okay you, you can take us back now.

BEACH
Alex Kintner: Mom, can I get my raft and go back out in the water?
Mrs. Kintner: Lemme see your fingers. Alex Kintner they are beginning to
prune.
Alex: Just lemme go out a little longer?
Mrs. Kintner: Just ten more minutes.
Alex: Thanks.
[Cuts in on conversation]
Councilwoman: It's just a big bother. Listen to me --
Ellen: All I want to know, I just want to know one simple thing. When do I
get to become an islander?
Councilwoman: Ellen, never! Never! You're not born here -- you're not an
islander.
Councilman: Hey, Marty. We got a lot of problems downtown but I got a lot of
problems at the house I wish you could take care of. One, I've got some cats
barking in front of the house, I can't get down to the office. And that
garbage truck, next to the office, has got to be moved. So we're going to use
a red zone, it's a simple thing you can take care of, you've done it before, k?
Ellen: You okay?
Martin: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Ellen: Listen, if the kids go in the water and it's wearing you out?
Martin: No, no.
Ellen: They can... they can play out here on the beach.
Martin: All right, let'em go.
Harry: It's cold! Huh huh, we know all about you chief. You don't go in the
water at all do ya?
Martin: That's some bad hat, Harry!
Ellen: Chief Brody, you are uptight, that's good, that's it...
Sean Brody: Oh do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man.
Pipit Owner: Pipit! C'mon Pipit, Pipit!
Witness: Did you see that?
Martin: Get everybody out! Get out! Get out!
Sean: Michael! Get outta the water!
Mrs. Kintner: Alex?! Alex?!

TOWN MEETING
Meadows: Alex Kintner is the kid who was missing at the beach. His mother
says it was the sharks.
Councilwoman: We don't even know that there's a shark around here. Look I
can't argue with you; I can't talk to you! Larry! Larry! Do something here!
Martin: We have to talk to Mrs. Kintner, because this is going to turn into a
contest.
Meadows: Look it's not just the Gazette, she's advertising in out of town
papers. Now people are gonna be all over New England that are going to know
about it!
Vaughn: Let's go back to the counsel chambers where we're going to have more
room.
Martin: Not only that but I'm responsible for public safety around here.
Vaughn: Then go out there tomorrow and see that no one gets hurt.
Councilwoman: Martin! Martin! Do something here --
Meadows: It's a small story, I'm going to bury it as deep as I can; the ad is
going to run in the back along with the grocery ads.
Vaughn: Right in here please. Move on in, please.
Councilwoman: Look, I have a point of view and I think it speaks for many of
the people here. Not only me because I have a motel, how do you feel?
Vaughn: Please! Let's have some order! Let's have order please! Any special
questions?
Chairmember: Uh, is that 3000 dollar bounty on the shark in cash or check?
Councilwoman: I don't think that's funny; I don't think that's funny at all.
I'm sorry.
Vaughn: All right! All right! That's private business between you fisherman
and Mrs. Kintner. Martin... would you please? Chief Brody.
Martin: Uh, I just... Uh, I just wanna tell you what we're planning so far...
Town member: What about the beaches chief?
Martin: We're gonna to put on the summer... the extra summer deputies as soon
as possible. And then we're gonna try and use, uh, shark spotters on the
beach.
Councilwoman: Are you going to close the beaches?
Martin: Yes we are. We're also planning to bring in some experts from the
Oceanographic Institute on the mainland.
Vaughn: Only 24 hours.
Martin: I didn't agree to that?
Vaughn: Only 24 hours.
Town member: 24 hours is like 3 weeks!
[Sound of nails scratching chalkboard]
Quint: Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for ya,
but it ain't gonna be easy... Bad fish. It's not like going down to pond
chasin' blue gills or tommy cots. This shark - swallow ya hole. L'il shakin',
l'il tenderizin', down ya go. Now we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back
the tourists, that'll put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not
gonna be pleasant! I value my neck a lot more than 3000 bucks chief! I'll
find him for three, but I'll catch him... and kill him... for ten! Now you
gotta make up your minds. Gonna stay alive and ante up? Or ya wanna play it
cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers; I don't
want no mates. There's too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars
for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.
Vaughn: Thank you very much Mr. Quint. We'll, uh, we'll take it under
advisement.
Quint: Mr. Mayor, chief, ladies and gentlemen.

BRODY'S DEN
Ellen: Oh! Oh! Oh God! You scared me!
Martin: Whoa! You know Ellen? People don't even know how old sharks are? And
I mean that they live two, three thousand years? They don't know!
Ellen: Martin, enough, enough. You not even going to be able to sleep tonight,
here. C'mon.
Martin: Thanks.
Ellen: Wanna get drunk and fool around?
Martin: Oh yeah.
Ellen: Hey, Mikey really loves his present.
Martin: Where is he?
Ellen: Sitting in it.
Martin: Good God! All right Michael out of the boat!
Michael: It's tied up to the jetty, just sitting in the boat!
Sean: Michael!
Martin: Get outta that boat!
Michael: C'mon dad! Just a little longer!
Ellen: Martin! It's his birthday tomorrow!
Martin: I don't want him on the ocean!
Ellen: His not on the ocean, he's in a boat! He's not gonna go in the water!
I don't think he'll ever go in the water again after what happened yesterday!
Martin: All right, now don't say that. I don't want that to happen you know
that. But I want him to read the boating regulations... the rules, you know,
before he goes out on his own.
Ellen: Michael! Did you hear your father? Out of the water now! Now!

ALONG THE SHORE
Charlie: I'm tired. Let's stop, before someone reports us.
Jenwirder: Don't worry the chief lives on the other side of the island.
Charlie: Am I coming in straight.
Jenwirder: Don't worry just keep rowing.
Charlie: Better catch something, this is my wife's holiday roast!
Jenwirder: Don't worry about it. 3000 dollars buys an awful lot of roast.
Charlie: Come and get it!
Jenwirder: Tide's takin' it right out.
Charlie: Can't we go home?

[BACK AT BRODY'S DEN]

BACK ALONG THE SHORE
Jenwirder: Hey!
Charlie: Hey! Hey! He's takin' it! He's takin' it! He's takin' it! Hey! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Jenwirder: Go! Go! Go!
Jenwirder: Charlie! Take my word for it! Don't look back! Swim Charlie! Swim!
C'mon Charlie! Swim! Swim Charlie! C'mon! Come here boy! C'mon! C'mon Charlie,
swim! Come here Charlie! C'mon Charlie, keep movin'! Keep movin' Charlie!
C'mon a little more Charlie! Atta boy Charlie! Come here Charlie! Atta boy,
atta boy, atta boy Charlie!
Charlie: I can't get up! I can't get up! I can't!
Jenwirder: Give me your hand Charlie! Just give me your hand!
Charlie: I can't get up! I can't get up! Help me! Help me!
Jenwirder: C'mon Charlie! C'mon Charlie! Get your feet outta the water! Get
your feet out! Atta boy Charlie, atta boy.
Charlie: Can we go home now?

HARBOUR
Hendricks: So then Jenwirder and Charlie sat there trying to catch their
breath. And figure out how to tell Charlie's wife what happened to her
freezer full of meat.
Martin: That's not funny, that's not funny at all.
Hendricks: Mrs. Kintner must have put her ad in Field and Stream.
Martin: It looks more like the National Inquirer.
[Fisherman bickering]
Martin: All right, all right, hold it, hold it, hold it. Just, just, just,
hold it!
[Hooper disembarking]
Hooper: Hello.
Ben Gardner: Hello back... young feller. How are ya? Say I hope you not going
out with those nuts are ya?
Martin: Lady would ya? The weak top boat's gotta move out first. You have to
move out or he can't get out at all!
Hooper: Boys, boys. Don't raise sail, your just going to luff with it. Do you
have a paddle on the boat?
Fisherman: Yeah I got a paddle.
Hooper: So scull outta here.
Martin: Thanks.
Hooper: Officer, officer! Wait a second, wait a second! Just --
Martin: Hey! How many guys are you going to put aboard that boat!
Fisherman:
Martin: Yeah? Well that ain't safe!
Hooper: Easy! Watch it, that's dynamite.
Martin: Hey, what you gonna...what are you doing with that? Where are you
going with that?!
Fisherman: I going on the boat.
Martin: Oh no, no, no! Please, please. Help get those guys out of the boat,
will ya please?
Hooper: Sure. Gentlemen, gentlemen?! The officer asked me to tell you that
your overloading that boat.
Fishermen: Ah, get outta here! You ain't going there, what do you care? Hold
on there.
Hooper: Well then, can you tell me if there's a good restaurant or hotel on
the island?
Fisherman: Yeah ya walk straight ahead! Ha ha!
Hooper: Ha ha they're all gonna die.

HARBOUR OFFICE
Martin: Polly, listen to me. We got some road block signs outside. Now you..
you... you gotta get somebody to help us. Yeah get those, get those road
block signs out on the highway. Because we got more people down here than we
can handle.
Hendricks: Ya?
Martin: What are you doing out there? These are your people, go and talk to
them!
Hendricks: Those aren't my people! They're from all over the place! Did you
see all the license plates out in the parking lot? Connecticut, Rhode Island,
New Jersey. I'm all by myself out there! Um, what happened to the extra help
we were supposed to be get?
Martin: That's not until the fourth of July! Between now and then it's you
and me!
Hooper: Ah, you know those eight guys in the fan-tail launch out there?
Martin: Yeah?
Hooper: Well none of them are going to get out of the harbour alive.
Martin: Lenny, that's what I'm talking about. You know their first names!
Talk to those clowns!
Hooper: Everybody seems to be having a really good time today.
Martin: Tell me about it. Polly, I'll get back to you.
Hooper: Listen, could you tell me how I could find chief Brody?
Martin: Who are you?
Hooper: Matt Hooper. I'm from the, uh, Oceanographic Institute.
Martin: Oh for Christ's sakes! You're the guy we called. I'm Brody, I'm Brody!
Hooper: Oh ho ho ho, very glad to meet you.
Martin: Yea I'm glad to meet you too!
Hooper: Listen, I know you got a lot on your hands right now but uh...
Martin: What can we do for you?
Hooper: Well I think the best thing for me to do is uh...see the remains of
the first victim; the girl on the beach?
Martin: Okay fine. Just bear with me will ya?
Hooper: Sure.
Martin: Thanks.

OUTSIDE HARBOUR ON OCEAN
Gardner: When we get them silly bastards down in that rock pile, it'll be
some fun, they'll wish their fathers had never met their mothers; when they
start takin' their bottoms out and slamming into them rocks boy! -- Get away
from there ya God damn fool you! What's the matter with you? You wanna swamp
us ya crazy son of a bitch!?
Fishermen: What are you doing? What are these guys doing out here? What are
they doin' back there man?! Tell us what in the hell are they doing back
there then!? There chummin' right now. Chumming what in the hell's that?
Their tricking the sharks out. Ten thousand dollars divided four ways is
what? Watch your starboard! Jesus!

MEDICAL EXAMINER'S ROOM
Martin: Let's show Mr. Hooper our, uh, hex. Here.
Hooper: Ah, victim identified as Christine Watkins. Female Caucasian.
Martin: Yeah now, now here's where we have it.
Hooper: Probable boating accident.
Martin: Yeah.
Hooper: The height and weight of the victim can only be estimated from the
partial remains. The torso has been severed in mid-thorax. There are no major
organs remaining. May I have a glass of water please? Right arm has been
severed, above the elbow with massive tissue loss in the upper musculature.
Thank you very much. Partially denuded bone remaining, this was no boat
accident. Did you notify the coast guard about this?
Martin: No. It was only local jurisdiction.
Hooper: The left arm, head to shoulders, sternum and portions of the rib cage
are intact. Do not smoke in here! Thank you very much. So this is what
happens. Indicates the non-frenzy feeding of a large squalus possibly
Unjumanus or Isurus Glaucous. Now, the enormous amount of tissue loss prevents
any detailed analysis however the attacking squalus must be considerably
larger than any normal squalus found in these waters. Didn't you get on the
phone to check out these waters?
Martin: No.
Hooper: Well this is not a boat accident! It wasn't any propeller! It wasn't
any coral reef! And it wasn't Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.

HARBOUR
Meadows: Listen Jenny, I wanna go AP and UPI. I wanna get on the state wire
see if Boston will pick it up and go national. Call Dave Axlrod in New York,
tell him he owes me a favour. Now this is the shot I want, with everybody and
the fish in it. Guys could we please get organized?! I want to get a picture
for the paper! Now can we just have the guys --
Martin: Ben Gardner get this?
Fisherman: Nah, nah, nah, nah, we caught it. We got it! We got him!
Martin: Congratulations! That's swell! That's swell! Thanks a lot!
Fisherman: We got it! It's a beauty, ain't it?
Meadows: Okay guys! Please, I need a picture for the paper! Come on, clear
out of the way please! Just the guys that caught the fish, could just, open
it up a little bit please?! I want to get a picture with the guy with the
fish?! Come on guys! Come on please?! I need a picture for the paper! Can we
get the sign please? Beach closed sign! Please?! Come on I wanna take this
shot! Kneel down, just like in high school. One row kneeling, one row
standing. Come on just, just get out of the way!! Young fella could you step
out of the picture?
Fishermen: Hey! Take your with ya! Here we go, here we go, we're
ready.
Meadows: Thank you.
Fisherman: We're ready.
Meadows: Can you get that please? How's that?
Martin: Larry! Larry you won't believe it!
Fisherman: What kind of shark is it?
Fisherman: I dunno, I think it's a mako.
Fisherman: With a deep throat !
Fisherman: Yeah but what kind? What kind of shark?
Hooper: Tiger shark.
Fisherman: A what?
Vaughn: Hey, we can start breathing again! Ben getting plenty of pictures for
the papers?
Martin: Oh, you bet he is!
Fisherman: What is this bite radius crap?!
Fisherman: That is a big mouth! Look at it!
Hooper: All I'm trying to tell you is --
Fisherman: Why don't you stuff your friggin' head in there, man, and find out
if it's a man-eater! All right?!
Hooper: I'm not saying it's not the shark, I am saying is that it may not be
the shark. It's just a slight difference in semantics but I don't want to get
beaten up for it.
Martin: Oh and I want you to meet, uh, Matt... Matt, this is Larry Vaughn our
mayor.
Hooper: Larry.
Vaughn: Hi.
Martin: Matt, from the Oceanographic Institute.
Hooper: Nice to meet you. Can I talk to you for a second?
Background: Terrific uh mayor?
Hooper: Martin, there are all kinds of sharks in the waters you know? Hammer
heads, white tips, blues, makos and the chances that these bozos got the
exact shark --
Martin: Oh! Now there's no other sharks like this in these waters!
Hooper: Martin, Martin, it's a hundred to one. A hundred to one. Now I'm not
saying that this not the shark --
Martin: Come on!
Hooper: It probably is Martin, it probably is! It's a man-eater, it's
extremely rare for these waters, but the fact is the bite radius on this
animal is different than the wounds on the victim. I just, I want to be sure.
You want to be sure. We all want to be sure. Okay? Now what I want to do is
very simple. This digestive system of this animal is very, very slow. Let's
cut it open, what ever its eaten in the last 24 hours is bound to still be in
there. And then we'll be sure.
Martin: May be the only way to confirm it.
Vaughn: Now look fellas. Let's be reasonable, huh? This is not the time or
the place to perform some kind of a half ass autopsy on a fish! And I am not
going to stand here and see that thing cut open and see that little Kintner
boy spill out all over the dock!
Mrs. Kintner: Chief Brody?
Martin: Yes?
Mrs. Kintner: I just found out, that the girl got killed here last week, and
you knew it! You knew there was a shark out there! You knew it was dangerous!
But you let people go swimming anyway?! You knew all those things! But still
my boy is dead now. And there's nothing you can do about it. My boy is dead.
I wanted you to know that.
Vaughn: I'm sorry Martin, she's wrong.
Martin: No she's not.
Vaughn: All right fellas, let's cut this ugly son of a bitch down before it
stinks up the whole island. Harv, you and Carl take it out tomorrow and dump
it in the drink.

BRODY'S DINING ROOM
Martin: Come here. Give us a kiss.
Sean: Why?
Martin: `Cause I need it. Get outta here.
Ellen: Hello? Can I help you?
Hooper: The door was open, mind if I come in? I'm Matt Hooper.
Ellen: Oh! Hi! Ellen Brody.
Hooper: Your husband's home.
Ellen: Yes, he is.
Hooper: I'd really like to talk to him.
Ellen: Ah, yes. So would I. Ah, come in. Come in. Can I get you some coffee?
Would you like something to drink?
Hooper: No, no, nothing thank you, thank you.
Ellen: Oh, wine. How nice.
Hooper: So how was your day?
Martin: Swell.
Hooper: Yeah. I got, uh, red and white. I didn't know what you would be
serving.
Ellen: Oh, that's nice.
Hooper: Is anyone eating this?
Ellen: No... My husband tells me your in sharks.
Hooper: Ahem, excuse me. Well yes I've, I've never heard it quite put that
way. But, uh, yes I am. I love sharks.
Ellen: You love sharks?
Hooper: Yeah, I love them. When I was twelve years old my father got me this
boat. And I went fishing off of cape cod, and I hooked a scup and as I was
reeling it in I hooked a four and a half foot baby thrasher shark. Who
proceeded to eat my boat. Heh, heh, he ate my uh, oar hooks and uh my seat
cushions, he turned an inboard into an outboard scared me to death and I swam
back to shore. And when I was on the beach, I turned around I actually saw my
boat being taken apart and ever since then I, yes, I have been studying
sharks and that's why I know that uh I'm gonna go to the institute tomorrow
and tell them you still have a shark problem here.
Martin: Why would have to tell them that?
Hooper: Sorry.
Ellen: I'm sorry, I thought uh, you told me the shark was caught, and I, I
heard it on the news, I heard it on the Cape station.
Hooper: They caught a shark, not the shark. Not the shark that killed
Chrissie Watkins and probably not the shark that killed the little boy, which
I wanted to prove today by cutting the shark open -- but you, you may want to
let that breath for... nothing, nothing.
Hooper: You know uh, you're going to be the only rational man left on this
island after I leave tomorrow.
Ellen: Where are you going?
Hooper: I'm going on the Aurora.
Ellen: The Aurora? What is that?
Hooper: It's a floating asylum for uh, shark uh, . Pure research.
Eighteen months at sea.
Ellen: Martin hates the boats. Martin hates water, Martin, Martin sits in his
car when we go on the ferry to the mainland. I guess it's a childhood thing,
it's uh, there's a clinical name for it, isn't there?
Martin: Drowning. Listen, is it true that most people that get attacked by
sharks in three feet of water? About ten feet from the beach?
Hooper: Yeah.
Martin: And that, and that, and that before people started to swim for
recreation, uh, I mean before sharks knew what they were missing, that a lot
of these attacks weren't reported.
Hooper: That's right.
Martin: Now this shark that, that, that swims alone...
Hooper: Rogue.
Martin: What's it called?
Hooper: Rogue.
Martin: Rogue. Rogue. Yeah, now this guy, he, he keeps swimming around in a
place where the feeding is good, until the food supply is gone, right?
Hooper: Yeah, it's called territoriality. It's just a theory that I happen to
agree with.
Martin: Then why don't we have one more drink and go down and cut that shark
open.
Ellen: Martin? Can you do that?
Martin: I can do anything. I'm the chief of police.

HARBOUR
Hooper: We start in the elementary canal... and open the digestive tract.
Just like I thought --
Martin: What?
Hooper: He came up in the gulf stream... from southern waters.
Martin: He didn't eat a car did he?
Hooper: No, heh heh heh, a tiger shark's like a garbage can, they'll eat
anything. Someone probably threw that in a river. Ah, hoo, that's it.
Martin: Better close the beach, call the mayor.
Hooper: You've got a bigger problem than that Martin, you still got a hell of
a fish out there, with a mouth about this big.
Martin: How do we confirm that by morning?
Hooper: If he is a rogue and there's any truth to territoriality at all,
we've got a good chance of spotting him between Cape Scott and South Beach.
Martin: Where you going?
Hooper: Were going to find him right now, he's a night feeder.
Martin: On the water?
Hooper: Well if we're looking for a shark, we're not going to him on the land.
Martin: Yeah, but I'm not drunk enough to go out on a boat.
Hooper: Yes, you are.
Martin: No I'm not.
Hooper: Yes, you are.
Martin: I can't do that.
Hooper: Yes, you can.

ON BOAT
Martin: I'm telling ya, the crime rate in New York will kill ya. There's so
many problems, you never feel like your accomplishing anything. Violence,
rip-offs, muggings, kids can't leave the house, you gotta walk `em to school.
But in Amity, one man can make a difference. In twenty five years, there's
never been a shooting or murder in this town.
Hooper: do you want a pretzel?
Martin: Where are we?
Hooper: We're right in the stretch where he's been feeding.
Martin: Do you get the late show on this thing?
Hooper: No, it's a closed circuit t.v. system. I have underwater cameras fore
and aft.
Martin: Who pays for all this stuff? The government? The institute? This
stuff costs a lot of money.
Hooper: Well I, uh, I paid for this mostly myself actually.
Martin: You're kidding.
Hooper: No.
Martin: You rich?
Hooper: Yeah.
Martin: Yeah? How much?
Hooper: Well personally or the whole family?
Martin: Doesn't make any sense? You mean they pay a guy like you to watch
sharks?
Hooper: Well, uh, it doesn't make much sense for a guy who hates the water to
live on an island either.
Martin: It's only an island if you look at it from the water.
Hooper: That makes a lot of sense.
Martin: What is that thing doing?
Hooper: Well it's uh, it's a fish finder. It's probably just a school of
mackerel or something all flocked together. Wait a minute. There's something
else out there.
Martin: What is it?
Hooper: About a hundred yards, south south west.
Martin: Ben Gardner's boat. That's Ben Gardner's boat.
Hooper: You know him?
Martin: It's all banged up. Sure I know him, he's a fisherman. What happened?
Hooper: Look Martin, I gotta go down there and check their hull.
Martin: Wait a minute, why don't we just tow it all in?
Hooper: We will, we will! I just gotta check something out. Hit the lights
for me.
Martin: Let's tow it in.
Hooper: Don't worry Martin, nothing's gonna happen.
Martin: What am I suppose to do while your gone?
Hooper: Nothing, absolutely nothing. Don't touch any of the equipment. I'll
be back in two minutes.

ROADSIDE
Martin: This is a Great White Larry, a big one! And any shark expert in the
world will tell you it's a killer! It's a man-eater!
Hooper: Look the situation, is that apparently a Great White shark has staked
a claim in the waters off Amity Island. And he's going to continue to feed
here as long as there is food in the water.
Martin: And there's no limit to what he's gonna do! I mean we've already had
three incidents, two people killed inside of a week. And it's gonna happen
again, it happened before! The Jersey beach!
Hooper: 1916. There were--
Martin: 1916! Five people chewed up on the surf!
Hooper: In one week!
Martin: Tell him, tell him about the swimmers!
Hooper: A shark is attracted to the exact kind of splashing and activity that
occurs whenever human beings go in swimming. You cannot avoid it.
Martin: If you open the beaches on the fourth of July, it's like ringing the
dinner bell for Christ's sakes!
Hooper: Look Mr. Vaughn. Mr. Vaughn. I pulled a tooth the size of a shot
glass out of the wreck tow of a boat out there and it was the tooth of a
Great White.
Martin: It was Ben Gardner's boat, it was all chewed up. I helped tow it in,
you sh-- you should have seen him!
Vaughn: Where, where is that tooth. Did you see it Brody?
Martin: No I didn't see it, he, he dropped it. We had a little accident on
the way in.
Hooper: I had an accident.
Vaughn: And what did you say the name of this shark is?
Hooper: It's a carcharodon carcharias. It's a Great White!
Vaughn: But you, you don't have the tooth. Look we depend on the summer
people here for our very lives.
Hooper: You are not going to have a summer unless you deal with this problem!
Vaughn: And if you close those beaches, we're finished!
Martin: We're not only gonna have to close the beach, we're gonna have to
hire somebody to kill the shark! I mean, we're gonna have to tell the coast
guard. We're gonna have to get shark repellent!
Hooper: Mr. you have to contract a shark research panel.
Martin: We're gonna have to put extra deputies on because there ain't nothing
in the world that's gonna come in here! We've gotta spend money to save what
we've got!
Hooper: You have to ring this entire harbour with 100 gauge--
Vaughn: I don't think either one of you are familiar with our problems!
Hooper: Uh, I think that I am familiar the fact that you are going to ignore
this particular problem until it swims up and bites you in the ass! Now wait
a second, wait a second!
Vaughn: Chief? Hey Chief?
Hooper: There are two ways to deal with this problem. You either gonna kill
this animal or your gonna cut off its food supply.
Martin: Larry we have to close the beaches.
Vaughn: Brody? Sick vandalism. That is a deliberate mutilation of a public
service message. Now I want those little paint-happy bastards caught and hung
up by their Buster Browns!
Hooper: That's it! Good-bye! I'm not going to waste my time arguing with a
man who is lining up to be a hot lunch. I'm gonna see you later Brody.
Martin: Aw, now please don't do this, he's not...
Hooper: Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, ah, an
eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is
swim and eat and make little sharks. And that's all. Now why don't you take a
long close look at this sign. Those proportions are correct.
Vaughn: Love to prove that wouldn't ya? Get your name into the National
Geographic!
Hooper: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Martin: Larry, Larry, if we make an effort today, we might be able to save
August.
Vaughn: August? Heh, for Christ's sake tomorrow is the fourth of July! And we
will be open for business. It's gonna be one of the best summer we ever had!
Now if you fellas are concerned about the beaches, you do whatever you have
to , to make them safe. But those beaches will be open for this weekend!

BRODY'S DEN
Martin: Okay, now I want to know how many men you're gonna send me.
Hooper: Doctor, doctor, there is no need for me to come to Grisbane when I
have a Great White shark right here!
Martin: I'm telling ya we need men to patrol the swimming area! We've gotta
have help, anybody with a gun or a boat.
Martin: Monday?! Listen is Chief Perkoserfilm in there?
Hooper: Mishkin, Mishkin is the guy that feeds the white mice.
Sean: Dad, dad?
Martin: What?! He's the little guy with the crew cut.
Hooper: Operator? Isn't there a phone on the island? Could you connect me
please?
Martin: How can you go up there when he's not in chambers?

ON BEACH
Meadows: That's the t.v. station on the mainland here.
Martin: Oh, all right, I'll get to them later. Please --- Brody to Scup
Bucket please come in. Okay. Brody to Daisy. do you read me? Come
in over? What do you see?
Hooper: Nothing here Martin. And nothing on sonar.
Interviewer: Amity island has long been known for its clean air, clear water
and beautiful white sand beaches. But in recent days, a cloud has appeared on
the horizon of this beautiful resort community. A cloud in the shape of a
killer shark.
Old Man: Oh hi Larry.
Vaughn: Why aren't you in the water?
Old Man: Er, well er, I just put some sun tan lotion on and uh, I'm trying to
absorb some of this sun.
Vaughn: Nobody's going in! Please. Get in the water.
Martin: Mike come here. Listen Mike. Do me a favour will ya?
Michael: What?
Martin: You and the other guys take the boat and put it in the pond instead?
Michael: The pond's for old ladies!
Martin: I know it's for the old ladies but just do it for the old man, huh?
Will ya?
Michael: All right.
Martin: Thanks.
Sean: Michael! Wait! Michael! Wait! Michael I don't want you to go in the
water.
Hendricks: Daisy? Daisy? This is Hendricks, anything? Thought I saw a shadow,
over? False alarm. Must be this glare.
Vaughn: I'm pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have in fact, caught
and killed a large predator that supposedly injured some bathers. But as you
see it's a beautiful day, the beaches are open and people are having a
wonderful time. Amity as you know means friendship.
Bather: Oh my God!
Spotter: Jesus Christ! Fad shark three-five-zero!!
Hooper: Red one! Red one! Martin! Get the people out of the water!
Martin: No whistles, no whistles!
Hooper: Everybody please get out of the water. Everybody out of the water
please.
Announcer: Don't push! Everybody out of the water, please.
Ellen: Michael!
Prankster: He made me do it! He talked me into it!
Martin: Please, please, move back. Let's move back please? Give these people
some air. Please move back, move back.
Hooper: Martin, it's just a hoax. There are two kids with a cardboard fin. Is
everyone there okay? Did everyone get out of the water all right?
Painter: Sh-- Shark! The shark! He's going into the pond! The shark's in the
estuary!
Martin: Now what!
Ellen: Michael's in the pond!
Painter: In the estuary! The shark's in the pond! He's going in the pond!
Somebody do something! In the pond! In the pond! Shark! In the pond!
Kid #1: Hurry up, get that done.
Kid #2: I can't do a damn thing until we get this undone! I'm doin' it!
Kid #1: Get that rope undone! You gotta untangle that up there!
Scout Leader: Hey fellas! Fellas! the sheet. Make it fast.
Painter: The shark's in the pond!
Scout Leader: Guys? You guys o.k. over there?
Painter: In the pond!
Background: Somebody get a gun! Get a gun and shoot it! Does anybody have a
gun?!
Ellen: Michael! -- He's dead!
Martin: No he's not. He's in shock.
Ellen: Michael! Michael!

HOSPITAL
Nurse: Doctor said he's o.k., mild shock. He can go home in the morning.
Ellen: Thank you. Hey! How's my big kid?
Michael: I'm all right.
Ellen: You are. You gonna miss me tonight? You can watch television. Want me
to bring anything from home?
Michael: My cars.
Ellen: Your cars! What about ice cream?
Michael: Coffee.
Ellen: Coffee!
Martin: Do you want to take him home?
Ellen: Back to New York?
Martin: No. Home here.
Vaughn: I'm sorry Martin. I'm sorry... I, I... I'm truly sorry.
Martin: You got a pen Larry?
Vaughn: Wh--?
Martin: You got a pen!? You know?! `Cause your gonna do what you do best!
Your gonna sign this voucher, so I can hire a contractor.
Vaughn: I ca-- I don't, I don't know if I can do that without the clearance.
Martin: You're gonna hire Quint to kill the shark.
Vaughn: Aug-- August...
Martin: What? What? What are you talking about? Larry, the summer is over!
You're the mayor of shark city! These people think you want the beaches open!
Vaughn: I was, I was, I was acting in the, in the town's best interest. I
thought I was acting in the town's best interest.
Martin: That's right you were acting in the town's best interest. And that's
why your going to do the right thing! That's why you're gonna sign this and
we're gonna pay that guy what he wants!
Vaughn: Martin, Martin. My kids were on that beach too!
Martin: Sign it Larry.

BOATHOUSE
Quint: Ten thousand dollars. Two hundred dollars a day, either I catch him or
not.
Martin: You got it.
Quint: Get the mayor of my back! So I don't have any more of this zoning
crap!
Martin: You got that.
Quint: One case of apricot brandy. You buy the lunch.
Martin: Two cases. You get dinner when you get back.
Quint: Champagne, , Uranian caviar, and don't forget the colour t.v.
Hey chief! You try this, made it myself! Pretty good stuff!
Martin: Thanks.
Quint: Here's to swimmin' with bow legged women. Excuse me chief. Can't get a
good man these days for under 60! They're all goin' at least 35 years! 45
year olds with women!
Martin: Don't drink that. Mr. Quint!
Hooper: Mr. Quint! You're gonna need an extra hand.
Martin: This is Matt Hooper.
Quint: I know who he is.
Hooper: I've crewed three transpacs.
Quint: Transplants?
Martin: No, no no he's from the Oceanographic Institute.
Hooper: And an American's Cup trial.
Quint: Mr. Hooper, I'm not talkin' about pleasure boatin' or daily sailin'.
I'm talkin' about workin' for a livin'. I'm talkin' about sharkin'!
Hooper: Well I'm not talkin' about hooking some poor dogfish or sandshark.
I'm talking about finding a Great White!
Quint: Porkers! Talkin' about porkers! Mr. Hooper. Just tie me a sheep shank.
Hooper: I haven't had to pass basic seamanship in a long time. You didn't say
how short you wanted it. How's that?!
Quint: Give me your hands. Dogfish? When you got a 5000 dollars net, you got
2000 dollars worth of fisherman. And along comes Mr. Whitey, by the time he's
finished with that net, it looks like a kiddy's scissor class has cut it up
for a paper doll! You got city hands, Mr. Hooper. You've been counting money
all your life.
Hooper: All right! All right! Hey! I, I don't need this! I don't need this
working class hero crap!
Martin: You, you, you're not gonna do this aboard the ship are you, Mr. Quint?
Quint: Maybe I should go alone.
Martin: Well it's my party, it's my charter.
Quint: Yeah, it's your charter, it's your party, it's my vessel! You're on
board my vessel, mate, master, pilot and I'm captain. Take him for ballast
chief.
Martin: You got him.

OUTSIDE BOATHOUSE
Quint: , straight-jet, killin' lance. pair of robi splice with M1
with three-d clip, handy billy, pliers, lance...
Aid: Haven't even assembled all these die markers, flares, safety flutes,
temperature gauge, spear guns, SMG --
Quint: What are ya, some kind of half-ass astronaut? Heh, heh, heh. Take that
you latch it secure. ? Jesus-H Christ. When I was a boy,
every little squirt wanted to be a harpooner or a sword fisherman. Whatta ya
got here. Portable shar or a monkey cage?
Hooper: Anti-shark cage.
Quint: Anti-shark cage. You go inside the cage? Cage goes in the water? You
go in the water? Shark's in the water, our shark. Farewell and adieu to you
fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu to you ladies of Spain. For we've
received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we be
seeing you again.
Ellen: Did you take your Dramamine?
Martin: Yes.
[Quint rambling on in background]
Ellen: I put an extra pair of glasses in your-- black socks and, and there's
the stuff, your nose, the zinc oxide, the blistex is in the kit.
Quint: -- Son of a bitch! God damn women today, they can't handle nothin'.
Young girls just quite as smart, like their grandmother's...[Continues his
ranting]
Ellen: That's got to be Quint.
Martin: Colourful ain't he.
Ellen: He scares me.
Martin: Don't use the fireplace in the den because I haven't fixed the flu
yet.
Ellen: What am I going to tell the kids?
Martin: Tell them I'm going fishing.
Quint: Break it up will ya chief! Daylight's wastin'! Front, bow, back, stern.
You don't get it right, squirt, I throw your ass out the little round window
on the side! Come on chief, this isn't no boy scout picnic! I see you got
your rubbers! Ha ha ha! Here lies the fire Mary Lee, died at the age of a
hundred and three, for fifteen years she kept her virginity. Not a bad record
for this vicinity! All right commissioner, fasten your safety belts, ha ha
ha! If you see a shark Hooper, swalla! Ha ha ha!
[While driving away, Quint teases Brody]

OUT ON THE SEA
Quint: Keep that chum line going chief, we got five good miles on him.
Martin: Who's drivin' this boat?
Quint: Nobody, we're tied. One time I caught a sixteen footer off Montog.
Had to stick two barrels in him. Two to wear him down and bring him up. Now a
days, these kids, they bring everything. Radar, sonar, electric toothbrushes.
Jesus-H Christ. Hey chief! Best drop another chum marker.
Hooper: Watch it! Damn it, Martin! This is compressed air!
Martin: Well what the hell kind of a knot was that!
Hooper: You pulled the wrong one! You screw around with these tanks and
they're going to blow up!
Quint: Yeah, that's real fine expensive gear you brought out here, Mr.
Hooper! `Course I don't know what that bastard shark's gonna do with it,
might eat it I suppose. Seen one eat a rockin' chair one time. Hey chieffy,
next time you just ask me which line to pull, right? -- Little brown eel
comes out of the cave, swims into the hole, comes outta the hole and goes
back into the cave again. It's not too good is it chief! Well nothin's easy
is it? One more time.
Martin: Little brown eel... comes out of the hole... goes back in again...
[Continues trying]
Martin: Hey! I got it! What?
Quint: Get behind me! Hooper! Reverse her! Takin' a hell of a lotta line!
Chief! Get the scooper out of the bucket! Wet the reel! Hooper! Reverse her!
Duck your head down chief! We're swingin', get behind me again! No more
water, it only'll drown me! Hooper, you idiot! Starboard! Ain't you watchin'
it?! Hooper, neutral! Where'd he go now? And he ain't foolin' me! What's he
makin' out now? Go on, try it! I don't know chief, I don't know. He's very
smart or very dumb. Jesus Chr-- He's gone under. He's gone under the boat, I
think he's gone under the boat. Yeah, it's too easy. He's a smart big fish!
He's gone under the boat! Keep it steady now! I got something very big!
Hooper: I don't think so.
Quint: Chief... chief... put your gloves on! Hey, put your gloves on, both of
ya! Gettin' ready to run at again.
Hooper: Hey Quint, let it go.
Quint: Hey Hooper? Maybe your a big yahoo on the land but out here your just
supercargo. If you don't want to backstroke home, you get down here!
Hooper: All right, you don't want to listen to me? Don't listen to me. It's
not a shark.
Martin: The wire's showing! The wire's showing!
Quint: Unbuckle me! Get on the other side. Grab the reel Hooper.
Hooper: Tuna or a swordfish. Wastin' our time!
Quint: Okay, take this rod. Hooper? Give the chief a hand, will ya?
Hooper: Right!
Martin: Oh! Shit!
Hooper: It might be a marlin or a stingray but it's definitely a game fish!
Doh!
Quint: Gamin' fish eh? Marlin? Stingray? Bit through this piano wire? Don't
you tell me my business again! You get back on the bridge.
Hooper: Quint, that doesn't prove a damn thing.
Quint: Well it proves one thing Mr. Hooper. I proves that you wealthy college
boys don't the education enough to admit when you're wrong.
Martin: What's the point? Hooks and lines.
Quint: Well, you lose one, you rig one. Hooper?! Twelve minutes south south
east, now, full throttle!
Hooper: Aye, aye sir! Arrghgeemoyarrgh!
Quint: See what I do, chief, is I... trick him to the surface, then I jab at
him! I'm not gonna... haul him up like a load of catfish. Hooper! Full
throttle!
Hooper: I don't have to take this abuse much longer!
Martin: Hey, your head's bleedin'! First aid there.
Quint: Brody?! Start that chum line again, will ya?!
Martin: Let Hooper take a turn.
Quint: Hooper drives the boat, chief. Stop playin' with yerself Hooper; slow
ahead, if you please.
Martin: You heard him, slow ahead! -- Slow ahead! I can go slow ahead! C'mon
down and chum some of this shit! -- You're gonna need a bigger boat.
Quint: Shut off that engine.
Hooper: That's a twenty footer!
Quint: Twenty five! And three tons of him!
Martin: You're gonna need a bigger boat, right?
Quint: Gotta get to work.
Martin: How do we handle this? How do we handle this?
Hooper: Martin, I need you. He's circling the boat! The size of
him!
CB Radio: Amity Point Life Station to Orca. This is Amity Point Life Station
to Orca. Come in Orca?
Quint: Orca, come in.
CB Radio: I have Mrs. Martin Brody here.
Quint: Put her on.
Hooper: Come on Martin! Martin, move, move, move!
Martin: I'm not goin' out there!
Hooper: Beyond the edge of the barrels! Go to the end of the barrels! Further
out!
Martin: What?!
Hooper: Further out!
Martin: Why?!
Hooper: Go further out!
Martin: What for?!
Hooper: Would you go to the end of the pulpit, please?!
Martin: What?!
Hooper: Would you, please, go to the end of the pulpit?!
Martin: What for?!
Hooper: I need to have something in the foreground to give it some scale!
Martin: Foreground my ass!
Quint: Your husband's all right, Mrs. Brody. He's fishin'. He's just caught a
couple of stripers. We'll bring `em home for dinner, we won't be long, we
ain't see anything yet, over and out!
Hooper: I need... Martin, please!
Martin: I'm staying here!
Hooper: I'm begging you! Martin, God damn it! Come here darlin'! Come here
darlin'! Beautiful!
Quint: Chief. Want you to get up on the bridge, just take her forward steady.
Martin: I've never steered a boat in my life!
Quint: Just watch my hand and take her steady. Mr. Hooper? Attach the end of
this line to the first keg.
Better get a good shot at that porker's head! Coming. Hee hee hee! Coming!
Hooper? You clearing the barrel? Hooper?! Tie it up will ya?!
Hooper: Your turn, Quint.
Quint: Hooper, where are you? Hooper, hurry it up now, tie it on. Hurry up,
he's coming straight for us, don't screw it up now!
Hooper: Don't wait for me!
Quint: Come on Hooper! Come on! Hurry up! Tie it on!
Martin: Now! Kill it Quint! Kill it! Now!
Hooper: Shoot! Time!
Quint: What were you doing?! You knew I had to get a clean shot, right in the
head! All right! Let's see how long that barrel takes to bring him up!
Hooper: Bring another barrel! I'm coming around again!
Martin: Wh--what do we do now? We quittin' right?
Quint: We've got one barrel on him. So we stay out here, till we find him
again.
Martin: Yeah but we can radio in and get a bigger boat --

ORCA'S CABIN
Quint: Chief. Don't you worry about it, chief. I won't be permanent. You
wanna see somethin' permanent? Bababoom? Hey, Hoop? You wanna feel somethin'
permanent? Just put your hand underneath my cap. You just feel that little
lump? Knockanolum. St. Patty's day. Boston.
Hooper: I got that beat. I got that beat. It's a moray eel. Bit right through
my wetsuit.
Quint: Well, Hoop, now, listen. I, I don't know about that but I ended an arm
wrestling contest in an Oke bar in San Francisco. You see this? Now I can't
extend that, do you know why? Get to the semi-final, celebrating my third
wife Demise, big Chinese fella, he pulled me right over! Ha!
Hooper: Look at that. It's a bull shark. He s--, he scraped me when I was
taking samples.
Quint: I got somethin' for ya. That's the thrasher. You see that? Chief,
thrasher's tail. Scewp!
Martin: Thrasher?
Hooper: It's a shark!
Quint: Do you want a drink? Drink to your leg?
Hooper: I'll drink to your leg.
Quint: Okay, so we drink to our legs! Ha ha ha!
Hooper: I got the creme de la creme. Right here. Hold on. Yeah, you see that?
Martin: You're wearing a sweater.
Hooper: Right there. Mary Ellen Moffit. She broke my heart. [Collective
laughs]
Martin: What's that one?
Quint: What?
Martin: That one, there, on your arm?
Quint: Ah, well. It's a tattoo. I got that removed.
Hooper: Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Mother. Ha ha ha! What is it?
Quint: Mr. Hooper, that's the U.S.S. Indianapolis.
Hooper: You were on the Indianapolis?
Martin: What happened?
Quint: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, chief. It was
comin' back, from the island of Tinian Delady, just delivered the bomb. The
Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in
twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger.
Thirteen footer. You know, you know that when you're in the water, chief? You
tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. Well, we didn't know. `Cause our
bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. Huh huh.
They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, chief. The
sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know
it's... kinda like `ol squares in battle like a, you see on a calendar, like
the battle of Waterloo. And the idea was, the shark nearest man and then he'd
start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark would go
away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right
into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got...
lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't
seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white.
And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean
turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in
and rip you to pieces. Y'know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred
men! I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand! I don't know how many
men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin' chief, I bumped into a
friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player, bosom's
mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and
down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. Well... he'd been bitten
in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura
saw us, he swung in low and he saw us. He'd a young pilot, a lot younger than
Mr. Hooper, anyway he saw us and come in low. And three hours later a big fat
PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most
frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So,
eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out,
the sharks took the rest, June the 29, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.
Martin: What's that?
Hooper: It's a whale.
Quint: . Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu to
you ladies of Spain.
Hooper: [Singing] Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I want to go to
bed. [Quint joins] I had a little drink about an hour ago and it's gone right
to my head. Wherever I may roam, by land or sea or foam. You can always hear
me singin' this song, show me the way to go home, bome bome bome. Show me the
way to go home. Bome bome bome. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. [Brody
joins] I had a little drink about an hour ago and it's gone right to my head.
Wherever I may roam, by land or sea or foam. You can always hear me singin'
this --
Quint: Start the engines. Fire her up!
Hooper: Busted a shaft!
Quint: Chief. Put out the fire will ya? Pump around.
Hooper: Done.
Quint: Everybody on deck.
Hooper: He ate the light.
Martin: Hmm, terrific.
Hooper: Excuse me. Quint, what are you doing? Don't waste your time, Quint!
Come on!
Quint: What's wrong with this sh-- Jesus Christ! Hooper, take the wheel!
Brody forward deck watch for him!
Hooper: You okay? Hey Martin! You okay?
[Quint singing]

NEXT DAY - HOOPER & QUINT FIXING ENGINE
Quint: Hey chief! Pull left rudder! Pull your left hand down!
Hooper: I can't! It'll only go about three inches!
Hooper: All the more injectors got scored by the saltwater in the fuel!
Quint: Yeah, the housin's bent you can hear it. Start with that rudder again
will ya? Pull it! Good! Once again now!
Martin: Quint! Quint! Quint! There it is!
Quint: Whatta ya say, chief?!
Martin: The barrel is up! It's right in the stern!
Quint: I think he's right under the keg. Grab the boat, Hoop.
Hooper: Quint, if we can get close enough, I've got things on board that'll
kill him.
Quint: We just want to goose him up, come on. Okay... when he runs, you drop
that rope or you lose your hands. I've seen fingers torn out at the knuckles.
full of `em. Hey boy! Give it to me a minute! -- Start
the engine! Where are you goin'?

[ORCA'S CABIN]
Martin: I'm gonna make a phone call. Hello? Hello? Hello, mayday Orca. Coast
Guard? Coast Guard, this is the Orca do you read me? Coast Guard, this is the
Orca do you?
Quint: Excuse me chief.
Martin: That's great! That's just great!! Now where the hell are we, huh??!!
You're certifiable, Quint! You know that?! You're certifiable!!
Quint: Yah! Yah! Yah!
Martin: You're certifiable!! But I'll tell you this --
Hooper: Boys... Oh, boys! I think he's come back for his noon feeding.

[ON DECK]
Quint: Hook me up another barrel! Bring it around after him! Full throttle!
Get me right up along side of him!
Hooper: I can't rev it up that high! It's not gonna take it!
Quint: Five degrees port! All right, hold your course! Five degrees port
now... hold your course!
Hooper: Fast fish!
Quint: Watch my arm! You see, watch my hand now! Follow me! Follow me! All
right, you watch him now! Starboard! Starboard! Run him down, Hooper! Run
him down! Run him down! Hold your port! Watch him! Starboard! He's too fast!
Starboard!
Martin: Don't believe it! Two barrels and he's going down again!
Quint: It's incredible!
Martin: They're up again!
Hooper: Now what?!
Martin: Well, why don't we start leading the shark into shore, instead of him
leadin' us out to sea?
Quint: Grab a couple of poles, k? Hang on now, we're goin' round! Get the
starboard! Easy! We're gonna back her up now! You watch those barrels, boys!
Watch `em! All right, get `em and snag `em. Now then, tie `em to the stern
cleats. Brody! Bring it right around the cleat! That's right, it'll lock
itself off! Give him room, Brody! Clear it!
Hooper: Argh!!
Quint: Get off the line!
Martin: Watch it, stand clear.
Quint: Stand away from those stern cleats! Back home, we get a taxidermy man,
he's gonna have a heart attack when he see what I brung him! Ha ha ha!
Hooper: Crawl back! You're losing a cleat! Look at that mother! My God, this
one too, they're both going!
Martin: He's eating his way right through that line!
Hooper: Yeah! And he's workin' his way, right into us! Quint! C'mon Quint!
Martin: Hey! Come on!
Hooper: Hurry! Quint!
Quint: Outta my way! Watch the tail! Untie us! He'll put out the --
Make it fast! We got another line in him!
Hooper: I can't! It's trying to run!
Quint: We better get another line! Pull you son of a bitch! I hope your back
breaks! Pull it! Rip your bloody heart out! Tie him off! Secure it, boy, tie
it around!
Hooper: It's impossible! It's impossible! Boys, it's too tight! He's pullin'
us! You gotta cut him loose or he'll us again! We're breakin' up over here!
Cut it man! It's all hung off!
Martin: We need something to cut it!
Hooper: Get the ax! Get the ax! Get it, get it! Hurry up! We're breakin' up!
We're breakin' up! God! Cut it! Cut it!
Martin: Watch your hands! Watch your hands! Come on hold it!
Hooper: Get th-- Cut it Quint! I can't hold it!
Martin: Cut that cleat!
Hooper: Cut it! Cut it!
Quint: He can't stay down with three barrels on him, not with three barrels
he can't.
Martin: What about us?
Quint: Hooper, get the pump outta the locker in front of you, will you?
Martin: We're gonna sink aren't we?
Quint: Hooper, keep an eye on the barrels! Pump it out, chief!
Hooper: He's gonna go under!
Quint: I tell ya, he can't with three barrels on him! Not with three he
can't!

[BRIDGE]
Hooper: You ever have one do this before?
Quint: I don't know. -- Hold fast!
Hooper: He's chasin' us, I don't believe it!
Quint: We're gonna draw him into the shadows, draw him in the shallow water,
gonna draw him in and drown him. We're headin' in, Brody!
Martin: Thank Christ! Ever have a Great White do this?
Hooper: No!
Martin: How far do we have to go?!
Hooper: Quint, don't put that much pressure on her! Quint, God damn it!
Quint: Shaddap! Get back there! I break the engine--!
Hooper: It's gonna tear up! Doh! Hold on!
Quint: Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu to
you ladies of Spain! For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston.
Hooper: You did it! You did it! You burned out the bearings! my
gear!
Quint: And so nevermore shall we be --
Martin: All right! Stop the boat! Stop the boat! Stop it!
Quint: Hooper! Chief. -- Hooper, what exactly can you do with these things of
yours?
Hooper: Well, I think I can pump twenty cc's of strychnine nitrate into him.
If I can get close enough.
Quint: You get this little needle through his skin?
Hooper: No. I can't do that. But if I can get him close enough to this cage,
I think I can get him in the mouth or --
Martin: That shark will rip that cage to pieces!
Hooper: You got any better suggestions?! -- Easy.
Quint: Easy! All right, up! Up she goes! Ease her down!

[HOOPER IN CAGE]
Hooper: I got no spit. Try to keep him off of me until I'm lower. Okay, okay,
I'm ready.
Martin: Bring him up Quint! God damn it! Bring him up now! Pull it up! Pull
it! What is in there?! Bring him up! Bring him up! What are you waiting--
pull him up! C'mon Quint! Bring him in!
Quint: It's giving way!
Martin: Ah! -- C'mon rig somethin'. Rig something. Got it? All right. Bring
him up. He's coming. Lower.
Quint: Ahh! Argh!

ON TOP OF MAST
Martin: All right. All right. All right, come on! Show the tank. Show me the
tank. Blow up! Blow up! Smile you son of a... BITCH!! -- Ah ha ha ha!!!

Martin: Oh! Ha ha ha.
Hooper: Huh huh huh. Quint?
Martin: No. -- Can we get in on those? Hey, what day is this?
Hooper: It's Wednesday, uh, it's Tuesday I think.
Martin: I think the tide's with us.
Hooper: Keep kicking.
Martin: Huh huh, I used to hate the water.
Hooper: Huh huh, I can't imagine why.

- THE END -

Kyoko Kirigiri Blackened Posts: 1,158	YEET Sept 4, 2018 17:20:39 GMT Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Kyoko Kirigiri on Sept 4, 2018 17:20:39 GMT perfection

Kyoko Kirigiri
Blackened

Posts: 1,158

YEET Sept 4, 2018 17:32:56 GMT

Post by Kyoko Kirigiri on Sept 4, 2018 17:32:56 GMT

Wiseau Films i.imgur/logo
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Opening credits play against generic footage of Johnny stalking about San Francisco

Exterior shot of Johnny’s car pulling up outside his house

Johnny enters the living room

Johnny: Hi babe! I have something for i.imgur/you.
png

Lisa: What is it?

Johnny: Just a little something.

He playfully hides the package, then presents it to Lisa. She opens it to find a red dress.

Lisa: Johnny, it’s beautiful. Thank you. Can I try it on i.imgur/now?
.png

Johnny: Sure, it’s yours.

Lisa: Wait right here. (she grabs Johnny’s tie and kisses him) I’ll try it on right i.imgur/now.
png

Johnny sits down. Cut to Lisa reemerging from the stairs in the red dress.

Johnny: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.

Lisa: Isn’t it fabulous?

Johnny: I would do anything for my girl.

Enter Denny

Denny: Oh hey, i.imgur/guys.

png

Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.

Denny: Wow! Look at you!

Lisa: It’s from Johnny.

Johnny: Anything for my princess! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Denny: How much was it?

Lisa: Denny, don’t ask a question like i.imgur/that!

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Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.

Denny: Can I go upstairs too?

Johnny: Ha-ha!

Lisa: Denny, I think I’m gonna join him.

Johnny: A-ha-ha.

They exit upstairs, speaking barely i.imgur/audibly

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Lisa: I’ve got some candles upstairs.

Johnny: You always think. A-ha-ha. Alright, I’m ready.

Lisa: This is so pretty, I can’t wait for you to get it off of me.

Johnny: Oh, yeahhh.

Denny takes a bite of an apple, then follows them upstairs.

In the bedroom, Johnny and Lisa start a pillow fight.

Johnny: A-ha-ha! (incomprehensible gibberish) Ha-ha-ha! i.imgur/Ouch!
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Denny joins in and gets clobbered as everyone laughs.

Denny: No, stop!

Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?

Denny: I just like to watch you guys.

Lisa: Oh, Denny, Denny, Denny boy!

Johnny: Denny, two’s great, but three’s a crowd, ha-ha.

Denny: I get it. You guys want to be i.imgur/alone.
png

Johnny: That’s the idea!

Denny: Fine. I have homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds!

Johnny: Bye, Denny.

Lisa: Bye, Denny.

Denny exits, and a three-minute love scene commences, scored to terrible R&B. There’s a lot of water and rose petals and naked boobs. Johnny fucks Lisa’s belly button. Afterwards they lie awkwardly in bed together, and Lisa seems bored with Johnny as he sleeps.

The alarm clock goes off at :28. Johnny gets up, smells a rose, and bares his ass to the camera. He emerges from the bathroom dressed for work and greets Lisa.

Johnny: Did you like last night?

Lisa: Yes I did.

Johnny: Ha-ha-ha.

Lisa: Can I get you anything?

Johnny: Unh-unh. I have to go i.imgur/now.
png

Lisa: Okay, bye.

Johnny: Bye.

Johnny exits. Cut to an exterior daytime shot of the house, then to the living room. Lisa answers the door, and Claudette enters.

Lisa: Hi mom, how are you?

Claudette: I’m fine, how are you? Hmmm? Okay, let’s go to the couch, and we will sit down. Now, what’s happening with you? Hmmm?

Lisa: Nothing much. Do you want some coffee?

Claudette: What’s wrong? Tell me.

Lisa: I’m not feeling good today.

Claudette: Well, why not?

Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.

Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.

Lisa: He’s so boring.

Claudette: You’ve known him for over five years. You’re engaged. You said you loved him. He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. He’s a wonderful man, and he loves you very much. And his position is very secure. And he told me he plans to buy you a house.

Lisa: That’s why he’s so boring!

Claudette: Well, what are you going to do?

Lisa: I don’t know. I don’t mind living with him.

Claudette: Well, you can’t do that. Have you talked to him about i.imgur/it?
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Lisa: No. I don’t know what to do.

Claudette: Well, he’s a wonderful person. And he’s getting a promotion very soon. Now he bought you a car, he bought you a ring, clothes, whatever you wanted, and now you want to dump him. That’s not right. I’ve always thought of him as my son-in-law. You should marry Johnny, he would be good for you.

Lisa: I guess you’re right about that.

Claudette: Well, of course I’m right. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.

Lisa: You’re probably right about that, mom.

Claudette: Well, I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Listen, I’ve gotta go. But you remember what I told you, okay? M-hm. Bye bye now.

Claudette exits

Lisa: (sarcastically) Thanks, i.imgur/mom.
png

The same room, later in the day. Lisa picks up the phone and Mark answers on the other end.

Mark: Hello?

Lisa: Hey baby, how are you doing?

Mark: Oh hey, how you doing? Yeah, I’m very busy, what’s going on?

Lisa: I just finished talking to my mom. She gave me this big lecture about Johnny.

Mark: Look, we’ll talk about it later. I told you, I’m very i.imgur/busy.
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Lisa: We’ll talk about it now! Whenever you say we’ll talk about it later, we never do. I can’t wait till later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.

Mark: Okay. Alright, what do you want to talk about?

Lisa: She’s a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up with that. I’m going to do what I want to do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do?

Mark: I mean, why do you ask me? You know, you’ve been very happy with Johnny. What do you want me to say? I mean, you should enjoy your life. What’s the problem?

Lisa: Maybe, you’re right. Can I see you tomorrow?

Mark: Okay. Alright, how about noon?

Lisa: I’ll be waiting for you. Bye.

Mark: Alright, see you.

Cut to gratuitous footage of a cable car in downtown San i.imgur/Francisco.
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Back in the room, Lisa answers the door. Mark enters.

Mark: Hi. How you doing?

Lisa: I’m fine, come in. Have a seat. (they are silent while she pours wine and offers it)

Mark: Thank you.

Lisa: It’s hot in here. (she unbuttons the top of her blouse) Do you mind?

Mark: No.

Lisa approaches Mark in her strapless black dress.

Mark: I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?

Lisa: I like you very much, loverboy.

Mark: What are you doing this for?

Lisa: What’s the matter? Don’t you like me? I’m your i.imgur/girl?
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Mark: Johnny’s my best friend. You’re going to be married next month. Come on.

Lisa: Forget about Johnny. This is between you and me.

Mark: I don’t think so. I’m leaving now.

Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I need you. I love you. I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t love Johnny. I dream about you. I need you to make love to me.

Mark: I don’t think so. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise.

They proceed to kiss, then have fully clothed three-minute sex on the spiral stairs to the tune of terrible R&B (“you are my rose”).

Mark: Why did you do this to me? Why? Johnny’s my best i.imgur/friend.
png

Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?

Mark: That’s not the point.

Lisa: I love you, Mark.

Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, alright? You’re beautiful. But we can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt Johnny.

Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.

Mark: Hey. This will be our secret.

They kiss.

Cut to exterior shot of a hilly San Francisco street. Johnny’s car pulls up to a flower i.imgur/shop.
png

Johnny enters the flower shop.

Johnny: Hi.

Florist: Can I help you?

Johnny: (removing sunglasses) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?

Florist: Oh hi, Johnny, I didn’t know it was you. Here you i.imgur/go.
png

Johnny: That’s me! How much is it?

Florist: It’ll be eighteen dollars.

Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy!

Florist: You’re my favorite customer.

Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!

Florist: Bye bye!

Johnny exits with the roses and gets in his i.imgur/car.
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Cut to Lisa in the room, talking on the phone.

Lisa: Yeah, delivery. 555-4828. Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese. Thanks.

She hangs up, and the doorbell rings.

Lisa: Who is it?

Denny: Denny!

Lisa: Hey Denny, how are you doing?

Denny: I’m fine. What’s new?

Lisa: Actually I’m really busy. Do you want something to drink?

Denny: No thanks. I just want to talk to Johnny. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss i.imgur/you?
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Lisa: You are such a little brat!

Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Johnny.

Lisa: Okay, okay. Johnny’s going to be here any minute. You can wait if you want.

Denny: I gotta go. You’ll tell him I stopped by.

Lisa: Of course.

Denny: Bye.

Lisa: Bye, Denny.

Denny exits.

Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny’s car pulls i.imgur/up.
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Johnny enters the room.

Johnny: Hi babe. These are for you. (he presents a bouquet of roses)

Lisa: Thanks honey, they’re beautiful. Did you get your promotion?

Johnny: Nah.

Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?

Johnny: That son of a bitch told me that I would get it within three months. I save them bundles. They’re crazy. I don’t think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care i.imgur/anymore.
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Lisa: Did you tell them how much you save them?

Johnny: Of course, what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice. The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.

Lisa: I still love you.

Johnny: You’re the only one who does.

Lisa: At least you have friends. I didn’t get any calls today. You’re right. The computer business is too competitive. Do you want me to order a pizza?

Johnny: Whatever, I don’t care.

Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.

Johnny: You think about everything, ha-ha.

Lisa: What’s the matter? Are you alright? It’s just a lousy promotion. You know what you need? You need a i.imgur/drink.
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Johnny: I don’t drink, you know that!

Cut to Lisa emerging from the kitchen with, it seems, scotch and vodka.

Johnny: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

She mixes them to form scotchka.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. It’s good for you.

Johnny: You must be crazy. I cannot drink this.

Lisa: If you love me, you’ll drink this.

She raises his glass to his mouth and he drinks.

Johnny: You’re right, it tastes good. A-ha.

Lisa: I know. I am right. Don’t worry about those fuckers. You’re a good man. Drink and let’s have some i.imgur/fun.
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They drink. Cut to later, when they have had quite a bit to drink and Lisa is now wearing Johnny’s tie as a headband.

Johnny: Ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha-ha. Mmm.

Lisa laughs hysterically. Johnny drops and shatters a glass.

Johnny: You have nice legs, Lisa. Ha-ha.

Lisa: (laughing) You have nice pecs.

Johnny: A-ha-ha. I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!

Lisa: Come on, make love to i.imgur/me.
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Johnny: Unhhh…

Lisa: Come on, you owe me one.

Johnny: I love you, Lisa.

Lisa: I love you, Johnny. (she rips open his shirt)

They make out on the couch, and then we cut to the bedroom for a lovemaking sequence that seems to be recut from their previous lovemaking sequence, but with a different terrible R&B song. Mercifully, it only lasts for about a minute.

Cut to the famous “painted ladies” of San Francisco.

Cut to the room.

Lisa: So I’m organizing the party for Johnny’s birthday. Can you come?

Claudette: When is it?

Lisa: Next Friday at six. It’s a surprise.

Claudette: Oh.

Lisa: You can bring someone if you want.

Claudette: Well, sure, I can come. But I don’t know if I’ll bring anybody. Oh! That jerk Harold. He wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me. He has no right. I’m not giving him a penny. Who does he think he i.imgur/is?
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Lisa: He’s your brother!

Claudette: He’s always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he’s seeing dollar signs. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.

Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.

Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.

Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine. They’re curing lots of people every day.

Claudette: I’m sure I’ll be alright. Oh! I heard Edward is talking about me. He is a hateful man. Oh, I’m so glad I divorced him.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well.

Claudette: Well at least you have a good man.

Lisa: You’re wrong! Mom, he’s not what you think he is. He didn’t get his promotion. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me.

Claudette: Johnny doesn’t drink! What are you talking about?

Lisa: He did last night. And I don’t love him i.imgur/anymore.
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Claudette: Johnny is your financial security. You can’t afford to ignore this.

Lisa: Yeah, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?

Claudette: You don’t want to talk to me.

Lisa: I just got done talking with a client, and I have to get ready to meet him. Can I just talk to you later?

Claudette: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.

Claudette exits. Cut to an exterior shot of the house.

Cut to the room. Michelle and Mike enter, nervously.

Michelle: How much time do we have?

Mike: I dunno, uh, a couple hours? At least.

Michelle: Well, let’s have some fun.

They sit on the couch and Mike opens a box of i.imgur/chocolates.
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Mike: Did you, uh, know, that chocolate is the symbol of love?

Michelle: (laughing) Feed me.

Mike puts a chocolate in Michelle’s mouth and then makes out with her. He puts a chocolate on her chest and eats it off of her.

Michelle: Yum!

Mike: It’s delicious!

Michelle: Arms up! (she takes off Mike’s shirt) Chocolate is a symbol of love.

Michelle places a chocolate in Mike’s mouth and then makes out with him. She starts to go down on him, although he begins reacting with comically exaggerated orgasm faces before she’s in position to do anything.

Cut to an exterior shot of the painted ladies.

Cut to the room, where Mike and Michelle are startled by Lisa and Claudette i.imgur/entering.
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Claudette: Hello? What are these characters doing here?

Lisa: They like to come here to do their… homework.

Claudette: What homework?

Lisa: Mom, this is Michelle’s boyfriend Mike. Mike, this is my mother.

Mike: It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Claudette: Mm.

Michelle: Uh-huh.

Mike and Michelle exit.

Claudette: Unh. Oh, all that shopping wore me out.

Denny enters.

Denny: Hi Lisa.

Lisa: Hey Denny. Denny, this is my mom. Mom, this is Denny.

Claudette: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!

Denny: I just need to borrow some sugar.

Lisa: Help yourself, Denny.

Denny: I also need a cup of flour and half a stick of i.imgur/butter.
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Claudette: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?

Denny: I’ll come back later.

Denny exits.

Claudette: Tell me, what does Denny do?

Lisa: Johnny wanted to adopt Denny. It’s really a tragedy how many kids out there don’t have parents. When Denny turned eighteen, Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he’s paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny really loves Denny even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a father figure to him. I told you, mom, Johnny is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Denny his own set of keys to our place.

Claudette: Please, don’t hurt Johnny. Now if you really don’t love him, so be it, but you should tell him.

Mike enters.

Mike: I forgot my, uh, book.

He grabs a book but somehow this leads to Claudette holding his underwear.

Claudette: What’s this?

Everyone laughs.

Mike: That’s nothing!

Mike takes the underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugh.

Claudette: Homework!

Lisa: (laughing) Don’t worry about it.

Claudette: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.

Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it.

Claudette: You know I worry about you. I have to go i.imgur/home.
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Lisa: Okay, mom.

Claudette: Bye bye.

Claudette exits.

Lisa: (sighing) Oh my god.

Cut to exterior shot of the San Francisco skyline.

Cut to the roof, where Denny is dribbling a basketball. This scene is in HD for some reason. Chris-R enters.

Chris-R: Hey, Denny.

Denny: Chris-R. I’ve been looking for you.

Chris-R: Yeah, sure you have. You have my money, right?

Denny: Yeah. It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.

Chris-R: What do you mean it’s coming, Denny? Where’s my money?

Denny: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!

Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Denny? You know what? I haven’t got five fucking minutes! (he pulls a gun on Denny) I’m going to ask you again, Denny. Where’s my money?

Denny: I don’t have anything.

Chris-R: Where’s my money, Denny? Where’s my fucking money, Denny? What’d you do with my fucking money?

Denny: I swear to god, it’s coming!

Chris-R: Where’s my fucking money, Denny?

Denny: Put the gun down.

Mark and Johnny enter.

Chris-R: My fucking money! Where’s my fucking money, Denny?

Johnny and Mark grab Chris-R and disarm him. Lisa and Claudette enter, or rather, they are suddenly in the scene without explanation.

Lisa: What’s going on?!

Johnny and Mark haul Chris-R away amid indecipherable commotion.

Johnny: Let’s take him to the police.

Lisa: Denny, are you okay? What did that man want from you?

Denny: Nothing.

Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!

Lisa: Tell me everything!

Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you?

Denny: I owe him some money.

Lisa: What kind of money?

Denny: I owe him some money.

Lisa: What kind of money?

Denny: Everything is okay, he’s gone!

Claudette: Everything is not okay. Denny, that is a dangerous man!

Denny: Calm down, he’s going to jail!

Lisa: Denny, what kind of money, just tell me!

Claudette: What do you need money for?

Lisa: Mom, please, Denny’s with me and Johnny!

Claudette: A man like that, with a gun! My god!

Lisa: Denny, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth. We’re your friends.

Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up. I didn’t mean for this to happen.

Lisa: (sobbing) Denny…

Denny: But I don’t have them anymore.

Lisa: What kind of drugs, Denny?

Denny: It doesn’t matter, I don’t have them anymore.

Claudette: It doesn’t matter? How in the hell did you get involved with drugs? What are you, giving them to him, selling them to him? Where the hell did you meet that man?

Lisa: What kind of drugs do you take?!

Denny: It’s nothing like that!

Lisa: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Denny: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff.

Lisa: How much do you have to give him?

Claudette: This is not the way you make money!

Lisa: How much?!

Denny: Stop ganging up on me!

Claudette: Well it is time somebody ganged up on you, for god’s sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?

Denny: It doesn’t matter!

Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that happened?

Denny: You’re not my fucking mother!

Claudette: You listen to me, boy!

Lisa: No!

Claudette: Somebody had better do something around here.

Lisa hugs and comforts Denny. Johnny enters.

Johnny: Are you okay, Denny?

Denny: I’m okay.

Johnny: Are you okay?

Denny: I’m okay!

Mark has materialized behind Claudette and Lisa.

Claudette: What’s okay? He’s taking drugs.

Mark: Come on, stop, it was a mistake.

Claudette: A mistake, that he takes drugs.

Johnny: Let’s go home.

Mark: Come on, it’s clear.

Claudette: What’s clear? I am going to call the police.

Lisa: Mom, stop, it was Denny’s mistake, just stop!

Mark: Let’s go.

Mark and Claudette exit.

Johnny: Why did you do this? You know better, right? Why?!

Denny: I’m sorry.

Johnny: You know better, Denny, you almost got killed.

Denny: I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise.

Lisa: Denny, you know that Johnny’s like your father. And we’re your friends. We’re going to help you.

Johnny: Let’s go home.

Everyone exits.

Cut to Mark on the phone with Lisa.

Lisa: I miss you.

Mark: I just saw you! What are you talking about?

Lisa: I’m just wanting to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much. I love you.

Mark: Is Johnny there?

Lisa: He’s in the shower.

Mark: I don’t understand you. Why do you do things like this?

Lisa: Because I love you. You just don’t care, do you?

Mark: I do care. But we agreed, it’s over between us.

Lisa: I understand, it’s our secret. But I still have feelings for you. You just don’t care.

Mark: I do care!

Lisa: I have to go now. I’ll see you later, darling.

Mark: Don’t call me that.

Lisa: Okay, bye.

They hang up.

Cut to the roof. Johnny enters, mid-sentence.

Johnny: I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! (he throws a water bottle to the floor) Oh, hi Mark.

Mark: (holding a football) Oh hey Johnny, what’s up?

Johnny: I have a problem with Lisa. She says that I hit her.

Mark: What? Well did you?

Johnny: No, it’s not true! Don’t even ask! What’s new with you?

Mark: Well I’m just sitting up here thinking, you know? I got a question for you.

Johnny: Yeah.

Mark: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?

Johnny: What makes you say that?

Mark: I dunno. I dunno, I’m just, I’m just thinking.

Johnny: I don’t have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me.

Mark: Yeah man, you never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.

Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha! What a story, Mark!

Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.

Johnny: I’m so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.

Mark: Yeah, man. Yeah, you are very lucky.

Johnny: Well maybe you should have a girl, Mark.

Mark: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I have one already. I don’t know yet.

Johnny: Well, what happened? Remember Betty? That’s her name?

Mark: Betty?

Johnny: Yeah.

Mark: Yeah, we don’t see each other anymore. You know, she wasn’t any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments.

Johnny: That’s too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it.

Mark: Oh, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart, sometimes they’re just flat-out stupid, other times they’re just evil.

Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the expert, Mark!

Mark: No. Definitely not an expert, Johnny.

Johnny: What’s bothering you, Mark?

Mark: Nothing, man.

Johnny: Do you, do you have some secrets? Why don’t you tell me?

Mark: Forget it! Forget it, dude!

Johnny: Is there some secret, tell me.

Mark: No, forget it, I’ll talk to you later!

Mark hands off the football to Johnny and exits.

Johnny: Well, whatever.

Denny enters, passing Mark.

Denny: Hey Johnny.

Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.

Denny: What’s wrong with Mark?

Johnny: He’s cranky today. A-ha-ha-ha. Girl trouble, I guess. What’s new with you?

Denny: Not much. Still going to the movie tonight?

Johnny: Sure, we are.

Denny: What kind of movie are we going to see?

Johnny: Well we’ll see… Denny, don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.

Denny: Alright. Let’s toss the ball around.

Johnny: Okay.

They proceed to play short-distance catch with the football while talking.

Denny: Gotta tell you about something.

Johnny: Shoot, Denny.

Denny: It’s about Lisa.

Johnny: Go on.

Denny: She’s beautiful. She looks great in a red dress. I think I’m in love with her.

Johnny: Go on.

Denny: I know she doesn’t like me because sometimes she’s mean to me, but sometimes when I’m around her, I feel like I want to kiss her and tell her I love her. I don’t know. I’m just confused.

Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you too. As a person, as a human being, as a friend. You know people don’t have to say it. They can feel it.

Denny: What do you mean?

Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.

Denny: Lisa’s your future wife!

Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about it. You are part of our family, and we love you very much. And we will help you anytime. And Lisa loves you too. As a friend. You are sort of like her son.

Denny: You mean you’re not upset with me?

Johnny: No, because I trust you and I trust Lisa. What about Elizabeth, hunh?

Denny: Well… I love her.

Johnny: M-hm.

Denny: When I graduate from college, get a good job, I want to marry her and have kids with her.

Johnny: That’s the idea.

Denny: You’re right. Thanks for paying my tuition.

Johnny: You’re very welcome, Denny, and keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you.

Denny: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.

Johnny: Let’s go eat, hunh? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go. I’m starving.

They exit.

Cut to an exterior panning shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to the room, where Michelle and Lisa are talking. Lisa’s neck is bulging throughout this scene, which means very few people have ever heard the dialogue.

Michelle: So how’s Johnny?

Lisa: He didn’t get his promotion.

Michelle: Is he disappointed?

Lisa: Quite a bit. He got drunk last night. And he hit me.

Michelle: He hit you?!

Lisa: He didn’t know what he was doing.

Michelle: Are you okay?

Lisa: Well, I don’t want to marry him anymore.

Michelle: What?!

Lisa: Johnny’s okay. But I found somebody else.

Michelle: Lisa! This isn’t right. You’re living with one guy and you’re sleeping with another guy?

Lisa: I’m doing what I want to do.

Michelle: Well who is he?

Lisa: His best friend. And he lives in this building.

Michelle: I can’t believe you’re telling me this. It’s Mark, isn’t it? Lisa, you know, you’re just thinking about yourself. Somebody’s going to get hurt. You’ve got to be honest with Johnny.

Lisa: I can’t do that. He would be devastated.

Michelle: Well, if you care so much for him, why cheat on him?

Lisa: Look, I really don’t know what to do. I love Mark. I don’t have any more feelings for Johnny.

Michelle: Johnny’s so excited about this wedding.

Lisa: I know.

Michelle: You’ve got to tell Johnny.

Lisa: No guilt-trips.

Michelle: You don’t feel guilty about this at all.

Lisa: No. I’m happy.

Michelle: Something awful is going to happen.

Lisa: Please don’t tell anybody.

Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny is approaching. He picks up the paper.

Cut to the room.

Michelle: Don’t worry. You can trust me. Your secret is safe with me.

Johnny enters.

Johnny: Hello Michelle. I heard you. What secret?

Lisa: It’s between us women.

Michelle: Hi Johnny.

Johnny: Did you get a new dress?

Michelle: Um… well, I guess I better be going. I’ll just talk to you guys later?

Lisa: Excuse me.

Michelle: Lisa, remember what I told you.

Michelle exits.

Johnny: What’s she talking about?

Lisa: It’s girl talk. I just told you that.

Johnny: I never hit you. You shouldn’t have any secrets from me. I’m your future husband.

Lisa: You sure about that? Maybe I’ll change my mind.

Johnny: Don’t talk like that. What do you mean?

Lisa: What do you think? Women change their minds all the time.

Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha. You must be kidding, aren’t you?

Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to go upstairs, and wash up, and go to bed.

Johnny: (shoving Lisa down onto the couch) How dare you talk to me like that! You should tell me everything!

Lisa: I can’t talk right now.

Johnny: Why Lisa, why Lisa, please talk to me, please! You’re part of my life, you are everything, I could not go on without you, Lisa.

Lisa: You’re scaring me.

Johnny: You’re lying, I never hit you. You are tearing me apart, Lisa!

Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?!

Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?

Lisa gets up and heads upstairs.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright.

Johnny: You drive me crazy.

Lisa: Goodnight, Johnny.

Johnny: Don’t worry about it. I still love you. Goodnight, Lisa.

Cut to a long tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to an alleyway, where Mike approaches Johnny.

Mike: Hey, what’s going on, man?

Johnny: Oh hi, Mike, what’s new?

Mike: Um, actually, Johnny, I got, I got a little bit of a tragedy on my hands, yeah. Me and Michelle, we were, we were making out, uh, at your place…

Johnny: A-ha-ha.

Mike: …and, uh, Lisa and Claudette sort of, uh, walked in on us in the middle of it. That’s not the end of the story.

Johnny: Go on, I’m listening.

Mike: Okay. We’re going at it, and um, I get out of there as fast as possible, you know, I get my pants, I get my shirt, and I get out of there. And then about halfway down the stairs, I realize that I have misplaced, I’ve forgotten something. Um, my underwear.

They both chuckle.

Mike: So I come back to get it, I pretend that I need a book, you know, I’m like looking for my book, and then I reach and put the underwear in my pocket, sort of slide out real quick. Well Claudette, she saw it sticking out of my pocket, so she pulls it out, and she’s, uh, showing everybody me underwears.

Johnny: You must be kidding. Underwear, I got the picture.

Mike: Yeah, I dunno what…

Johnny: That’s life.

Mike: Nah.

Johnny: Yeah.

Denny enters, with a football.

Denny: Hey Johnny! Hey Mike!

Johnny: Oh hey, Denny.

Denny: Do you want to play some football?

Mike: I gotta go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her.

Denny: Oh, pshhh, come on!

Johnny: Come on, it’s good for you, come on.

Mike: Alright, whatever, whatever.

Johnny: Let’s go for it.

Mike: I’m going out.

They proceed to toss the football around in close quarters, like you do.

Mike: Yeah, sorry you had to see that.

Denny: I’m not sorry! (gibberish) Studying, right? (more gibberish) I don’t study like that.

Johnny: He doesn’t.

Mark enters.

Mark: Hey, Denny, what’s up?

Denny: Hey, what’s up, Mark?

Johnny: Hi Mark.

Denny: Catch it, come on, man.

Mike: Not much.

Denny: He’s just telling us about an underwear issue he had.

Mike: No, don’t…

Mark: Underwear? What’s that?

Mike: It’s embarrassing, man, I don’t want to get into it.

Mark: Underwear? Man, come on…

Mark inexplicably shoves Mike into a trashcan.

Mike: Oh, God!

Denny: You okay? Are you okay?

Mike: Yeah, I’m fine!

Denny: Are you sure?

Mike: Yeah, uh-huh.

Denny: Do you need to see a doctor?

Mike: No, no, I’m tough. I’m good, I’m alright, I’m fine.

Johnny: Mark, why don’t you take him home? And Mike, listen, if you need anything, call me anytime, alright? Are you alright?

Mike: Yeah.

Denny: See you guys.

Mark and Mike exit

Johnny: Let’s go home, Denny.

Denny and Johnny exit with the football.

Cut to the room, which Claudette and Lisa are entering.

Lisa: You look really tired today, mom. Are you feeling okay?

Claudette: I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Lisa: Why not?

Claudette: You remember my friend Shirley Hamilton?

Lisa: Uh-huh.

Claudette: She wants to buy a new house, and so I asked Johnny if he could help her with the down payment. All he can tell me is it’s an awkward situation. I expected your husband to be a little more generous.

Lisa: He’s not my husband.

Claudette: I know, but Johnny is part of our family.

Lisa: Mom, I don’t love Johnny anymore. I don’t even like him. I had sex with someone else.

Claudette: You can’t be serious.

We see that Johnny is listening from the staircase.

Lisa: You don’t understand.

Claudette: Who? Who is it?

Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it.

Claudette: You don’t want to talk about it. Then why did you bring it up in the first place?

Lisa: I don’t know.

Claudette: You don’t know. If you think I’m tired today, wait till you see me tomorrow.

Lisa: Are you coming to the party?

Claudette: Sure. I suppose so.

They exit.

Johnny: How can they say this about me? I don’t believe it. I show them. I will record everything.

Johnny descends the staircase and tediously installs a primitive tape recorder under the phone, then exits upstairs.

Cut to the room, where Johnny and Peter are talking.

Johnny: I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?

Peter: (laughs) What man does? What’s the problem?

Johnny: They never say what they mean, and they always play games.

Peter: Okay… um… what do you mean?

Johnny: I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um, I don’t think she’s faithful to me. In fact I know she isn’t.

Peter: Lisa? Are you sure?

Johnny: Yeah I’m sure, I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother. What should I do, Peter?

Peter: This is Lisa we’re talking about?

Johnny: Yeah.

Peter: I don’t know what to say.

Johnny: But you’re a psychologist. Do you have some advice?

Peter: It’s a complicated situation, Johnny. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you should confront her.

Johnny: I can’t confront her! I want to give her a second chance, after all, she’s my future wife. You know what they say: “love is blind.”

Peter: You’ve got a lot of faith in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it.

The doorbell rings.

Peter: Did you hear the door?

Johnny: Yeah. (answers the door) Oh hi, Mark. Come in.

Mark enters.

Mark: Oh, hey, Johnny. Hey Peter!

Johnny: We’re just talking about women.

Mark: (long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. Ahhh. I have a girl. She’s married, I mean she’s very attractive, it’s driving me crazy.

Peter: Why didn’t you mention this before? Is it anyone I know?

Mark: Nah man, you don’t know her.

Johnny: Can I meet her?

Mark: I don’t think so. It’s an awkward situation.

Johnny: You mean she’s too old, or you think I will take her away from you? Hunh?

Peter: (laughs)

Mark: (laughs) No.

Johnny: I have my own problems.

Peter: Tell me about your problems, Johnny.

Johnny: Peter, you always play psychologist with us!

Peter: Look, I’m just your friend, and I’m just worried about you.

Johnny: Lisa is teasing me about whether we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a while. And I don’t know what to do.

Peter: You never really know. I mean, look, you should tell her about your feelings, okay? You shouldn’t hide them. You two have been together forever. You can work out anything as long as you talk about it.

Johnny: Not always!

Peter: People are people. Sometimes they just can’t see their own faults.

Mark: Hey, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.

Peter: Look. You should tell her the truth. I mean you’re doing this for your girl, right?

Johnny: You’re right, Peter. Ha-ha. Is she getting a divorce, Mark?

Mark: (laughs) You guys are too much. Hey are you running, uh, Bay to Breakers this year?

Johnny: I am, sure.

Peter: I’m not doing it this year.

Johnny: Ha-ha-ha, chicken, Peter, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep eeeeeeeeeeee!

Peter: Who are you calling a chicken? I just don’t like all the weirdos, there’s too many weirdos there.

Johnny: (incomprehensible gibberish) I don’t mind. Mark, do you remember the one with big tits, the blondie one?

Mark: How about the one with the bridal gown with the sign?

Johnny: Ha-ha yeah, “can you marry me?”, ha-ha, I thought I would take her up on it, ha-ha.

Mark: I never ate so much.

Johnny: Yeah, the barbecue chicken was delicious, rice, that was cool.

Peter: You guys proved my point. You’re both weird. You guys want to play cards?

Johnny: No we can’t. I expect Lisa any minute.

Mark: Hey come on, man, who’s the king of the house?

Peter: Yeah, you’ve got to establish these guidelines before you get married. Speaking of, how’d you ever meet Lisa? You never told us.

Johnny: Well that’s a very interesting story, when I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I have, uh, I head to YMCA with a $2000 check which I could not cash.

Mark: Why not?

Johnny: Well because it was an out of state bank. Anyway, uh, I was working as a busboy in a hotel, and uh, uh, she was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That’s how we met.

Mark: So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?

Johnny: Well the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.

Mark: What? No tips from your job?

Johnny: Whatever. Do you guys want to eat something?

Johnny exits to the kitchen. Lisa enters.

Lisa: Hi guys. What’s going on?

Mark: Oh, hey Lisa.

Peter: Hi Lisa.

Denny materializes behind Lisa, then proceeds to stare out the window for some reason.

Lisa: Where’s Johnny?

Mark: In the kitchen. I gotta go.

Lisa: I didn’t mean to chase you off. You should stick around for a while.

Mark: I gotta work early. See ya.

Mark exits. Peter also exits. Denny crouches to the floor. Lisa also crouches to the floor.

Denny: Did you get your wedding gown yet?

Lisa: No. I’ve got plenty of time.

Denny: Are you sure you have plenty of time? It’s only a month away.

Lisa: It’ll be fine. What are you so worried about? Everything’s okay.

Denny: Johnny doesn’t seem very excited. Is there a problem?

Lisa: There’s no problem. Why do you ask?

Denny: I just want you and Johnny to be happy.

They both stand up.

Lisa: I am happy. Look, Denny, I need to talk to Johnny. Okay? I’ll see you later.

Denny: Okay. Tell him I said hello?

Lisa: Yeah.

Denny exits.

Cut to the roof. Peter enters. Mark is sitting on the roof, clad entirely in denim, smoking what might be a joint.

Peter: Hey, Mark. What’s up?

Mark: Oh, hey Peter.

Peter: It’s a good place to think up here, isn’t it?

Mark: What, man, you want to put me on the clock?

Peter: What the hell is that?

Mark: You want some? It’s good, bro.

Peter: No, I don’t smoke that stuff.

Mark sighs and takes a drag.

Peter: You look depressed.

Mark: I got this sick feeling in my stomach, man. I did something awful. I don’t think I can forgive myself.

Peter: Tell me about it.

Mark: I just feel like, like running. I’m killing myself. Something crazy like that.

Peter: Why are you smoking that crap? It’s no wonder you can’t think straight. It’s gonna screw with your head.

Mark: It’s none of your business, man. You think you know everything. You don’t know shit.

Peter: Listen, who do you think you are? You’re acting like a kid. Just grow up.

Mark: Hey, who are you calling a kid? Fuck you!

Peter: Just chill out, Mark. I’m just trying to help. You’re having an affair with Lisa, aren’t you?

Mark: What?

Peter: Am I wrong?

Mark gets angry and ineffectively tries to push Peter off the roof.

Peter: What are you, nuts? Gahhh!

Peter shoves Mark away.

Mark: Sorry. Sorry man, you okay?

Peter: Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just talk about your problem.

Mark: You’re sure you’re okay.

Peter: Yeah.

Mark kicks over a chair and a table.

Mark: Goddammit man, fuck. Why do you want to know my secret, man? Well you’re right! It’s Lisa. I don’t know what to do, man. I’m so depressed. It’s all her fault, she’s such a manipulative bitch!

Peter: How the hell did you let this happen?

Mark: Fuck!

Peter: You know this is going to ruin your friendship with Johnny? What were you thinking? Alright, you want my advice? Sometimes, life can get complicated, and you’ve got to be responsible. So you don’t see Lisa again, and you definitely don’t sleep with her again! Just find yourself another girl. She’s a sociopath! She only cares about herself. She can’t love anyone.

Mark: Whatever, dude. Come on.

They exit together.

Cut to an exterior shot of a church in San Francisco.

Cut to the room, where Johnny is wearing a tuxedo and talking on the phone.

Johnny: Oh, thank you. Yeah, thanks a lot.

Denny enters, wearing a tux and carrying a football.

Johnny: Oh, hi Denny. Nice tux, you look great.

Denny: You look really handsome.

Johnny: A-ha-ha.

Denny: Your wedding picture’s gonna look great.

Johnny: Oh, thanks.

The doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Peter enters, wearing a tux.

Denny: Oh hey, Peter, come on in.

Peter: Hey guys.

Johnny: Oh hey, Peter.

Denny: You look good too.

Johnny: Sit down.

The doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Mark enters, clean-shaven and wearing a tux.

Denny: Whoa.

Johnny: Wowwwwww.

Mark: Hey guys. You like it?

Peter: Yeah!

Johnny: You look great. You look a babyface.

Denny: You guys want to play some football?

Peter: In tuxes? No, you gotta be kidding.

Denny: Come on, Mark, let’s do it.

Mark: I’m up for it.

Johnny: A-ha.

Denny: Johnny?

Johnny: Ask Peter.

Denny: Come on, Peter.

Peter: Nah, I don’t think so.

Denny: Please?

Peter: No.

Denny: Come on! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep! (Johnny and Mark join in)

Cut to the alley, where Johnny, Mark, Peter, and Denny are throwing around the football in tuxedos.

Denny: Catch, Johnny! Alright, Peter! Here we go, Mark!

Mark: Come on! Come on! Come on!

Denny: Catch, Mark!

Mark: Go! Go deep!

Peter tries to go deep, but instead trips and falls.

Denny: Gee Peter, you’re clumsy.

Peter: Alright, that’s it, I’m done. Great idea, Denny.

Everyone helps Peter up and exits.

Cut to an exterior street shot in San Francisco.

Cut to the fountain by the Exploratorium, where Johnny is out walking.

Cut to a coffee shop.

Susan: Are you sure?

Patron 1: I wanna get a slice of cheesecake and a bottle of water.

Patron 2: Um, I’ll have a large peanut butter cup with extra whipped cream, please?

Male Barista: Alright.

Patron 3: And I’ll take a cheesecake and a coffee.

Barista 2: Okay, why don’t you guys have a seat? We’ll have that right out for you.

Susan: Hi, how you doing? What would you like?

Patron 4: Can I get a bagel with a [inaudible]?

Susan: Great, sure.

Patron 5: I’m gonna get a slice of cheesecake and a bottle of water.

Male Barista: Yeah, sounds good. Why don’t you guys have a seat, we’ll have that right out for you.

Johnny and Mark enter.

Johnny: Oh hi, Susan.

Susan: Well, hi Johnny. How are you? Good to see you. What would you like?

Johnny: Hot chocolate, please.

Male Barista: What size?

Johnny: Medium.

Male Barista: Sure.

Susan: How about you?

Mark: I’ll have the mint tea.

Male Barista: Medium also?

Mark: Yeah.

Susan: Go sit down, we’ll be right there.

Johnny and Mark sit down.

Mark: God, I’m so tired of girls’ games.

Johnny: What happened now, Mark?

Mark: Relationships never work, man, I don’t know why I waste my time.

Johnny: What makes you say that?

Mark: It’s not that easy, Johnny.

Johnny: Well, you should be happy, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, I know. Life is too short.

Susan brings the drinks.

Johnny: Oh, thank you so much.

Susan: You’re welcome. How about something like cheesecake?

Johnny: Nah.

Susan: Real good. Alright.

Mark: How was work today?

Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client at the bank, we make a lot of money.

Mark: What client?

Johnny: I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.

Mark: Aw, come on, why not?

Johnny: No I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?

Mark: I can’t talk about it.

Johnny: Why not?

Susan: Take your time.

Johnny: Oh god, I have to run.

Mark: Already?

Johnny: Yeah, I’m sorry.

Mark: Alright, it’s on me. By the way, do you want to go jogging? Golden Gate Park?

Johnny: Yeah, sure, what time?

Mark: Golden Gate Park, 6:30.

Johnny: Right on, yeah.

Mark: Alright, see ya.

Johnny: Okey-dokey, Mark.

Johnny exits.

Cut to the bedroom. Lisa and Mark enter.

Mark: What’s going on here?

Lisa: I like you very much, Mark.

Mark: Look, come on. Johnny’s my best friend.

Lisa: Just one more time.

She takes off his shirt and the fourth terrible R&B-scored love scene commences. It goes on for about two minutes, full of half-hearted moaning, before cutting to black.

Cut to another tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to a car parking in Golden Gate Park. Johnny exits to find Mark.

Johnny: Hey.

Mark: Hey Johnny, how’s it going?

Johnny: Good.

They run side by side tossing the football in the park. There’s barely audible and completely uninteresting dialogue. They say “what’s new with you” a lot. Johnny wrestles Mark to the ground.

Cut to a shot of the San Francisco skyline.

Cut to the room, where Lisa is sweeping. The doorbell rings.

Lisa: Who is it?

Mark: Delivery man! It’s me, Lisa, come on, open up.

Lisa: Come on in.

Mark enters.

Lisa: Hey Mark.

Mark: Wow, so, uh, you gonna be ready?

Lisa: How do you mean that? I’m always ready. For you.

Mark: I mean for the party.

Lisa: We have plenty of time. All I have to do is put on my party dress.

Lisa drops the broom and takes her shirt off.

Mark: Wait, what are you doing?

Lisa: Nothing.

She takes Mark’s shirt off.

Mark: You’re so beautiful.

They start making out. Someone knocks on the door. They bolt upright and start putting their shirts on.

Lisa: Hurry up, I have to open the door.

Mark: Wait! Hang on.

Lisa puts her shirt on but Mark is still struggling with this task.

Lisa: Come on in, it’s open!

Michelle enters in time to see Mark shirtless before he finally manages to dress himself.

Michelle: Hi! I brought the stuff.

Lisa: I knew I could count on you.

Michelle: Hi Mark. XYZ.

Mark: What are you talking about?

Michelle: Examine your zipper!

Everyone giggles.

Michelle: You guys are too much. So, uh, what can I do to help?

Everyone laughs some more.

Mark: I gotta go.

He exits. Michelle and Lisa are cracking up.

Lisa: Want to help me move the coffee table?

Michelle: Okay. What was he doing here?

Lisa: Uh, he just brought by some takeout.

Michelle: What about his zipper?

Lisa: What about his zipper?

They move the coffee table.

Lisa: Leave him alone, he’s a good guy.

Michelle: Did you tell Johnny yet?

Lisa: No. Mark’s his best friend.

Michelle: Tricky tricky.

Lisa: You know, I really loved Johnny at first. Everything’s changed. I need more from life than what Johnny can give me. Suddenly my eyes are wide open and I can see everything so clearly. I want it all.

Michelle: You think you can get it all from Mark?

Lisa: If he can’t give me what I want, somebody else will.

Michelle: Lisa, you’re sounding just like your mother. You’re being so manipulative.

Lisa: So what? You can learn something from me. You have to take as much as you can. You have to live, live, live. Don’t worry about me. I have everything covered.

Michelle: Your point of view is so different from mine.

Lisa: Look. I don’t want to talk about it. People are going to be getting here soon and we have to finish.

Michelle: Lisa!

Lisa: I don’t see what the big deal is. Doesn’t everybody look out for number one? Don’t I deserve the best?

Michelle: I couldn’t do that. You’re too much for me, Lisa.

Lisa: You know, you’re not such an angel yourself.

Michelle: Yeah, but we’re not talking about me, are we?

Michelle attacks Lisa with a pillow. A strange pillow vs broom fight ensues.

Lisa: (laughing) Stop it! Are you trying to ruin my party?

Cut to a tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to Johnny and Mark running in the woods and muttering at each other.

Johnny: Yeah, that’s the idea.

Mark: Catch me, come on.

Cut to a shot of a staircase in San Francisco, which Johnny and Mark are running up.

Mark: Yeah I’m looking for some offers in Sausalito. How are the [inaudible] like these days?

Johnny: Pretty good, yeah, you’d be qualified.

Mark: You serious?

Johnny: Yeah, I’m sure.

Mark: Well when can we meet about that?

Johnny: Well, we can talk about this tomorrow.

Mark: Tomorrow?

Johnny: Yeah.

Mark: Maybe late afternoon?

Johnny: Absolutely. Three o’clock?

Mark: Really? Wow, that’s great.

Cut to Johnny’s car pulling onto a residential street and parking in front of his house. Johnny and Mark exit the car.

Cut to an illuminated building on Columbus at night.

Cut to a cable car on a busy street in the daytime.

Cut to the room, where Lisa is sitting as Johnny enters.

Johnny: Bye, Lisa. (he pecks her on the cheek)

Johnny opens the door to leave and Claudette enters.

Johnny: Oh hi, Claudette. Bye!

Claudette: Bye!

Johnny exits.

Lisa: Hello mom, how are you?

Claudette: I’m okay, how are you?

Lisa: I’m fixing the apartment for Johnny’s birthday, but I’m really not into it.

Claudette: Oh, why not?

Lisa: Because I’m in love with Mark, not Johnny. And here I am, planning his party.

Claudette: It’s not right, Lisa. I still think you should marry Johnny. Now you can’t live on love. You need financial security.

Lisa: But I’m not happy! He still thinks I’m gonna marry him next month. He’s a fool.

Claudette: You expect to be happy. I haven’t been happy since I married my first husband. I didn’t even want to marry your father.

Lisa: You never told me that!

Claudette: Well it’s true. All men are assholes. Men and women use and abuse each other all the time, there’s nothing wrong with it. Marriage has nothing to do with love.

Lisa: Johnny’s okay, I suppose. Actually, I have him wrapped around my little finger.

Claudette: Well, you should be happy then.

Lisa: But I don’t love him!

Claudette: Don’t throw your life away just because you don’t love him! That’s ridiculous! You need to grow up. And you need to listen to me.

Lisa: Okay, mom, I’ll see you at the party. I just need to be alone right now.

Claudette: Bye bye, my precious.

Claudette exits.

Cut to the Embarcadero, where Johnny is walking.

Cut to the Disney store, where Johnny is walking.

Cut to a dark room. Johnny enters and turns on the lights to find the whole cast.

Everyone: Surprise! (they all sing Happy Birthday while Johnny says things like “wow”, “okay”, and “thank you”)

Johnny toasts with everyone amid various celebratory mumblings. He offers Denny a drink, which Denny says he’ll accept later.

Cut to panning shot of the nighttime San Francisco skyline.

Cut to the party, where various characters and non-characters are engaged in fake conversations. Johnny and Claudette are discussing something. Lisa is flirting with Steven, a character we’ve never seen before who is actually a last-minute replacement for Peter. Mark is watching them. Lisa and Mark exchange flirty looks. Johnny seems concerned. Mike and Michelle are flirting with another couple. Michelle and Mike start feeding each other cake.

Lisa: Hey everybody, let’s go outside for some fresh air.

Everybody exits except for Lisa and Mark.

Lisa: Wait. I have something I want to show you.

Mark: Oh, really?

They get on the couch, and Lisa drapes her legs across Mark’s lap.

Mark: So, uh, what do you want to show me?

Lisa: It’s a surprise.

They start making out.

Mark: What are you doing? I mean, are you crazy? Everybody’s here.

Lisa: No they’re not. They’re all outside.

Mark: You devil. You planned this all along.

They make out some more. Steven enters.

Steven: What’s going on here?

They bolt upright.

Steven: Why are you doing this?

Lisa: I love him.

Steven: I don’t believe it.

Mark: You don’t understand anything, man. Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!

Mark exits.

Steven: Do you understand what you’re doing? You’re going to destroy Johnny. He’s very sensitive.

Lisa: I don’t care. I’m in love with Mark.

Steven: How can you do this? You make me sick.

Johnny and Michelle enter.

Johnny: Thank you, honey. This is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!

Lisa: You’re welcome, darling. You know how much I love you.

Johnny: I do. Ha-ha-ha.

Lisa: You know, it’s getting really hot in here. Why don’t we go back outside?

Johnny: Mhm. A-ha-ha.

Everyone exits.

Cut to a shot of a busy street at night.

Cut to the party on the roof. Johnny waves at someone below him and off-camera.

Johnny: Hey everybody! I have an announcement to make. We’re expecting!

Everyone congratulates Johnny. Lisa and Steven confront Lisa.

Michelle: Lisa, I have to talk to you. You have got to be honest with Johnny.

Steven: I agree with that.

Lisa: Look, I’m gonna tell him, okay? I just, I don’t want to ruin his birthday.

Steven: When is the baby due?

Lisa: There is no baby.

Steven and Michelle: What?!

Steven: What are you talking about?

Lisa: I told him that to make it interesting. We’re probably going to have a baby eventually anyway. You’re not going to tell Johnny, are you?

Michelle: Lisa, are you feeling okay? Because this is just getting worse and worse.

Steven: I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.

Michelle: Me too. There’s no simple solution to this.

Lisa: Don’t worry. You guys worry entirely too much about me.

Michelle: Lisa, we’re not worried about you. We’re worried about Johnny. You don’t understand the psychological impact of what you’re doing here. You’re hurting yourself. You’re hurting our friendship.

Lisa: I am not responsible for Johnny. I’m through with that. I’m changing. I have the right, don’t I? People are changing all the time. I have to think about my future. What’s it to you?

Steven: This is going to pull us all down. It’s going to shake up our group of friends. It’s going to destroy our friendship, Lisa. I don’t think Mark really loves you.

Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it!

Michelle: Lisa, you’re going to have to face it. I for one am going to have a hard time forgiving you if you don’t.

Lisa: Hey everybody! Let’s go inside and eat some cake.

Everyone exits enthusiastically. Michelle looks pained.

Michelle: I don’t understand you, Lisa.

Cut to some random building at night.

Cut to the party, where a random couple is eating cake.

Random dude: Lisa looks hot tonight.

Johnny and Claudette are chatting. Mark and Lisa are arguing.

Mark: Whose baby is it? Is it mine?

Lisa: No, of course not.

Mark: How can you be sure? Come on, Lisa.

Lisa: Stop asking me stupid questions!

Mark: Who the hell do you think you are?

Lisa: Just shut up!

She slaps him.

Johnny: What are you doing? What’s going on here?

Mark: You really don’t know, do you?

Johnny: (shoving Mark) Maybe I know more than you think I do, Mark!

Mark: Shit, alright?

Johnny: (shoving Mark into a table) What do you want from me, hunh?

Mark attacks Johnny. Steven, Lisa, et al pull them apart.

Lisa: Stop it!

Johnny: Alright, alright. Okay, folks, everything is fine. Fight is over, folks. I’m sorry, Mark.

They shake hands.

Mark: Yeah, me too.

Johnny: Lisa, can, can you clean up here, please?

Cut to the skyline at night.

Cut to the party, where Mark and Lisa are dancing. Johnny confronts them

Johnny: What are you doing?

Lisa: None of your business.

Johnny: You’re my future wife. What are you doing, Lisa?

Mark: Leave her alone, man, she doesn’t want to talk to you.

Johnny: (attacking Mark) Since when do you give me orders?

Mark: Since Lisa changed her mind about you. Wake up, man, what planet are you on?

Johnny: I think you should leave right now, Mark.

Lisa: Don’t spoil it, we were just having fun.

Mark: Don’t worry about it, man.

Johnny: Don’t touch me, motherfucker! Get out.

Mark and Johnny fight.

Lisa: Stop it! Stop it! You two are acting like children.

Mark: Son of a bitch.

Lisa: You’re going to ruin the party.

Mark: If you’d keep your girl satisfied, she wouldn’t come to me!

Johnny: Get out of my house! I kill you, I [incomprehensible]!

Lisa: Stop it!

Johnny: I kill you, you bastard.

Mark: You couldn’t kill me if you tried.

Johnny: You betrayed me, you’re not good, you’re just a chicken, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep.

They fight some more.

Johnny: Shut up!

Steven: It’s over! It’s over!

Johnny: It’s not over! Everybody betray me! I fed up with this world!

Johnny exits upstairs.

Cut to a shot of the Disney store at night.

Cut to Claudette entering the bedroom to find Lisa.

Claudette: I cleaned up the kitchen, sweetheart, so you don’t have to worry about that.

Lisa: He still won’t come out of the bathroom.

Claudette: Sweetheart, he’s upset. Now Johnny is a sensible man. He will come out, you will discuss this, everything is going to be okay.

Lisa: I just think I should be alone with him right now.

Claudette: I understand, sweetheart. I’m going to go home now. Bye bye. You can call me if you need me.

Lisa: I will. Thanks, mom.

Claudette exits downstairs. Lisa tries to open the bathroom door, but it’s locked.

Lisa: You can come out now, Johnny. She’s gone.

Johnny: In a few minutes, bitch.

Lisa: Who are you calling a bitch?

Johnny: You and your stupid mother.

Lisa picks up the phone and calls Mark.

Mark: Hello?

Lisa: Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.

Mark: What’s going on?

Lisa: Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very much.

We see Johnny is straining to hear this through the bathroom door.

Lisa: I love you.

Mark: Why don’t you ditch this creep? I don’t like him anymore.

Lisa: I know. He’s not worth it. Why don’t I come up there and be with you?

Mark: Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.

Lisa: You got it. I’m on my way. Bye.

Mark: Bye.

Johnny enters the bedroom.

Johnny: Who were you talking to?

Lisa: Nobody.

Johnny: We’ll see about that.

Johnny retrieves the tape from the recorder (or something; the technical process here makes very little sense).

Johnny: We’ll see about that.

He plays the tape.

Mark (recording): Hello?

Lisa (recording): Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.

Mark (recording): What’s going on?

Lisa (recording): Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very much. You’re the sparkle of my life (this is a deviation from the original conversation, you’ll note). I can’t live without you. I love you.

Johnny: You little tramp. How could you do this to me?! I gave you seven years of my life! And you betray me. Let’s see what else we have on this tape.

Lisa: No. Stop. You little prick. I put up with you for seven years. You think you’re an angel. You’re just like everybody.

Johnny: I treat you like a princess, and you stab me in the back. I love you, and I did anything for you to just please you, and now you betray me! How could you love him?!

Mark (recording): Why don’t you ditch this creep? I don’t like him anymore.

Lisa (recording): I know, he’s not worth it. Why don’t I come up there and be with you?

Mark (recording): Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.

Lisa (recording): You got it.

Johnny: Aughhhhhhhh!!! (he hurls the tape player against the wall) Everybody betray me. I don’t have a friend in the world.

Lisa: I’m leaving you, Johnny.

Lisa exits downstairs.

Johnny: Get out, get out, get out of my life! Agh!

Johnny collapses on the bed.

Cut to Johnny descending the stairs into the room.

Johnny: Haughhhh-augh! Why, Lisa, why, why?!

Flashback of Lisa laughing with Johnny’s tie around her head.

Flashback of Lisa and Johnny kissing.

Flashback of Lisa and Johnny having sex.

Johnny: You bitch!

Johnny knocks over a bowl of fake fruit, some furniture, and everything on the mantle. He picks up the TV and hurls it out the window.

Johnny: You bitch! You bitch!

Cut to Johnny re-entering the bedroom, howling incomprehensibly. He knocks stuff off the dresser, pulls out all the drawers, and shoves it over. He pulls all the sheets off the bed. He flings himself on the bed.

Flashback to Johnny and Lisa having sex.

Johnny knocks over some more stuff and shatters a mirror. He sits on the floor and picks up Lisa’s red dress.

Flashback to Lisa trying on the dress.

Johnny dry-humps the dress amid flashbacks of fucking Lisa when she was wearing it.

Johnny: You tramp!

He tears the dress up.

Flashback to Lisa and Mark dancing.

Flashback to Lisa saying “I put up with you”

Johnny picks up a box and opens it to reveal a handgun.

Johnny: Why? Why is this happening to me? Why?! It’s over. God, forgive me.

Flashback to Lisa saying “everything will be alright”

Johnny puts the gun in his mouth.

Flashback to Lisa saying “goodbye, Johnny”

Johnny fires the gun and falls backward in slow motion.

Fade to black.

Cut to Mark and Lisa dashing into the bedroom to find Johnny’s bloody corpse.

Mark: Wake up, Johnny, come on!

Johnny is clearly dead and blood is everywhere.

Lisa: Is he dead? (sobbing) My god, Mark, is he dead?

Mark: Yes, he’s dead. Yes he’s dead!

Lisa: (sobbing) Oh my god…

Mark slowly kisses Johnny’s forehead.

Lisa: Oh my god.

Mark and Lisa embrace.

Lisa: I’ve lost him, but I still have you, right? Right?

Mark: You don’t have me. You’ll never have me. You killed him.

Lisa: Mark, we’re free to be together. I love you. I love you!

Mark: Tramp! You killed him. You’re the cause of all of this. I don’t love you. Get out of my life, you bitch!

Denny enters.

Denny: What’s happening?!

Mark: Johnny’s dead!

Denny: Wake up, Johnny, please, please! It’s not right! It’s not right!

Lisa: Denny, he’s in a better place.

Denny: Leave us! Both of you leave.

Mark: As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the earth. That’s a promise.

Denny: Just leave! Both of you!

Mark: Leave him, alright! Let him be with him!

Denny: Why, Johnny? Why? Johnny, why? Why?

Denny sobs. Mark and Lisa, who were in the process of leaving, rejoin Denny and comfort him. We hear police sirens. The three of them appear to take turns fellating Johnny’s corpse as we hear generic police chatter.

Fade to black and roll credits.

Chihiro Fujisaki
Blackened

hello world!

Posts: 540

YEET Sept 5, 2018 3:28:46 GMT

Post by Chihiro Fujisaki on Sept 5, 2018 3:28:46 GMT

As You Like It
Shakespeare homepage | As You Like It | Entire play
ACT I
SCENE I. Orchard of Oliver's house.

Enter ORLANDO and ADAM

ORLANDO

As I remember, Adam, it was upon this fashion
bequeathed me by will but poor a thousand crowns,
and, as thou sayest, charged my brother, on his
blessing, to breed me well: and there begins my
sadness. My brother Jaques he keeps at school, and
report speaks goldenly of his profit: for my part,
he keeps me rustically at home, or, to speak more
properly, stays me here at home unkept; for call you
that keeping for a gentleman of my birth, that
differs not from the stalling of an ox? His horses
are bred better; for, besides that they are fair
with their feeding, they are taught their manage,
and to that end riders dearly hired: but I, his
brother, gain nothing under him but growth; for the
which his animals on his dunghills are as much
bound to him as I. Besides this nothing that he so
plentifully gives me, the something that nature gave
me his countenance seems to take from me: he lets
me feed with his hinds, bars me the place of a
brother, and, as much as in him lies, mines my
gentility with my education. This is it, Adam, that
grieves me; and the spirit of my father, which I
think is within me, begins to mutiny against this
servitude: I will no longer endure it, though yet I
know no wise remedy how to avoid it.

ADAM

Yonder comes my master, your brother.

ORLANDO

Go apart, Adam, and thou shalt hear how he will
shake me up.

Enter OLIVER

OLIVER

Now, sir! what make you here?

ORLANDO

Nothing: I am not taught to make any thing.

OLIVER

What mar you then, sir?

ORLANDO

Marry, sir, I am helping you to mar that which God
made, a poor unworthy brother of yours, with idleness.

OLIVER

Marry, sir, be better employed, and be naught awhile.

ORLANDO

Shall I keep your hogs and eat husks with them?
What prodigal portion have I spent, that I should
come to such penury?

OLIVER

Know you where your are, sir?

ORLANDO

O, sir, very well; here in your orchard.

OLIVER

Know you before whom, sir?

ORLANDO

Ay, better than him I am before knows me. I know
you are my eldest brother; and, in the gentle
condition of blood, you should so know me. The
courtesy of nations allows you my better, in that
you are the first-born; but the same tradition
takes not away my blood, were there twenty brothers
betwixt us: I have as much of my father in me as
you; albeit, I confess, your coming before me is
nearer to his reverence.

OLIVER

What, boy!

ORLANDO

Come, come, elder brother, you are too young in this.

OLIVER

Wilt thou lay hands on me, villain?

ORLANDO

I am no villain; I am the youngest son of Sir
Rowland de Boys; he was my father, and he is thrice
a villain that says such a father begot villains.
Wert thou not my brother, I would not take this hand
from thy throat till this other had pulled out thy
tongue for saying so: thou hast railed on thyself.

ADAM

Sweet masters, be patient: for your father's
remembrance, be at accord.

OLIVER

Let me go, I say.

ORLANDO

I will not, till I please: you shall hear me. My
father charged you in his will to give me good
education: you have trained me like a peasant,
obscuring and hiding from me all gentleman-like
qualities. The spirit of my father grows strong in
me, and I will no longer endure it: therefore allow
me such exercises as may become a gentleman, or
give me the poor allottery my father left me by
testament; with that I will go buy my fortunes.

OLIVER

And what wilt thou do? beg, when that is spent?
Well, sir, get you in: I will not long be troubled
with you; you shall have some part of your will: I
pray you, leave me.

ORLANDO

I will no further offend you than becomes me for my good.

OLIVER

Get you with him, you old dog.

ADAM

Is 'old dog' my reward? Most true, I have lost my
teeth in your service. God be with my old master!
he would not have spoke such a word.

Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM

OLIVER

Is it even so? begin you to grow upon me? I will
physic your rankness, and yet give no thousand
crowns neither. Holla, Dennis!

Enter DENNIS

DENNIS

Calls your worship?

OLIVER

Was not Charles, the duke's wrestler, here to speak with me?

DENNIS

So please you, he is here at the door and importunes
access to you.

OLIVER

Call him in.

Exit DENNIS
'Twill be a good way; and to-morrow the wrestling is.

Enter CHARLES

CHARLES

Good morrow to your worship.

OLIVER

Good Monsieur Charles, what's the new news at the
new court?

CHARLES

There's no news at the court, sir, but the old news:
that is, the old duke is banished by his younger
brother the new duke; and three or four loving lords
have put themselves into voluntary exile with him,
whose lands and revenues enrich the new duke;
therefore he gives them good leave to wander.

OLIVER

Can you tell if Rosalind, the duke's daughter, be
banished with her father?

CHARLES

O, no; for the duke's daughter, her cousin, so loves
her, being ever from their cradles bred together,
that she would have followed her exile, or have died
to stay behind her. She is at the court, and no
less beloved of her uncle than his own daughter; and
never two ladies loved as they do.

OLIVER

Where will the old duke live?

CHARLES

They say he is already in the forest of Arden, and
a many merry men with him; and there they live like
the old Robin Hood of England: they say many young
gentlemen flock to him every day, and fleet the time
carelessly, as they did in the golden world.

OLIVER

What, you wrestle to-morrow before the new duke?

CHARLES

Marry, do I, sir; and I came to acquaint you with a
matter. I am given, sir, secretly to understand
that your younger brother Orlando hath a disposition
to come in disguised against me to try a fall.
To-morrow, sir, I wrestle for my credit; and he that
escapes me without some broken limb shall acquit him
well. Your brother is but young and tender; and,
for your love, I would be loath to foil him, as I
must, for my own honour, if he come in: therefore,
out of my love to you, I came hither to acquaint you
withal, that either you might stay him from his
intendment or brook such disgrace well as he shall
run into, in that it is a thing of his own search
and altogether against my will.

OLIVER

Charles, I thank thee for thy love to me, which
thou shalt find I will most kindly requite. I had
myself notice of my brother's purpose herein and
have by underhand means laboured to dissuade him from
it, but he is resolute. I'll tell thee, Charles:
it is the stubbornest young fellow of France, full
of ambition, an envious emulator of every man's
good parts, a secret and villanous contriver against
me his natural brother: therefore use thy
discretion; I had as lief thou didst break his neck
as his finger. And thou wert best look to't; for if
thou dost him any slight disgrace or if he do not
mightily grace himself on thee, he will practise
against thee by poison, entrap thee by some
treacherous device and never leave thee till he
hath ta'en thy life by some indirect means or other;
for, I assure thee, and almost with tears I speak
it, there is not one so young and so villanous this
day living. I speak but brotherly of him; but
should I anatomize him to thee as he is, I must
blush and weep and thou must look pale and wonder.

CHARLES

I am heartily glad I came hither to you. If he come
to-morrow, I'll give him his payment: if ever he go
alone again, I'll never wrestle for prize more: and
so God keep your worship!

OLIVER

Farewell, good Charles.

Exit CHARLES
Now will I stir this gamester: I hope I shall see
an end of him; for my soul, yet I know not why,
hates nothing more than he. Yet he's gentle, never
schooled and yet learned, full of noble device, of
all sorts enchantingly beloved, and indeed so much
in the heart of the world, and especially of my own
people, who best know him, that I am altogether
misprised: but it shall not be so long; this
wrestler shall clear all: nothing remains but that
I kindle the boy thither; which now I'll go about.

Exit

SCENE II. Lawn before the Duke's palace.

Enter CELIA and ROSALIND

CELIA

I pray thee, Rosalind, sweet my coz, be merry.

ROSALIND

Dear Celia, I show more mirth than I am mistress of;
and would you yet I were merrier? Unless you could
teach me to forget a banished father, you must not
learn me how to remember any extraordinary pleasure.

CELIA

Herein I see thou lovest me not with the full weight
that I love thee. If my uncle, thy banished father,
had banished thy uncle, the duke my father, so thou
hadst been still with me, I could have taught my
love to take thy father for mine: so wouldst thou,
if the truth of thy love to me were so righteously
tempered as mine is to thee.

ROSALIND

Well, I will forget the condition of my estate, to
rejoice in yours.

CELIA

You know my father hath no child but I, nor none is
like to have: and, truly, when he dies, thou shalt
be his heir, for what he hath taken away from thy
father perforce, I will render thee again in
affection; by mine honour, I will; and when I break
that oath, let me turn monster: therefore, my
sweet Rose, my dear Rose, be merry.

ROSALIND

From henceforth I will, coz, and devise sports. Let
me see; what think you of falling in love?

CELIA

Marry, I prithee, do, to make sport withal: but
love no man in good earnest; nor no further in sport
neither than with safety of a pure blush thou mayst
in honour come off again.

ROSALIND

What shall be our sport, then?

CELIA

Let us sit and mock the good housewife Fortune from
her wheel, that her gifts may henceforth be bestowed equally.

ROSALIND

I would we could do so, for her benefits are
mightily misplaced, and the bountiful blind woman
doth most mistake in her gifts to women.

CELIA

'Tis true; for those that she makes fair she scarce
makes honest, and those that she makes honest she
makes very ill-favouredly.

ROSALIND

Nay, now thou goest from Fortune's office to
Nature's: Fortune reigns in gifts of the world,
not in the lineaments of Nature.

Enter TOUCHSTONE

CELIA

No? when Nature hath made a fair creature, may she
not by Fortune fall into the fire? Though Nature
hath given us wit to flout at Fortune, hath not
Fortune sent in this fool to cut off the argument?

ROSALIND

Indeed, there is Fortune too hard for Nature, when
Fortune makes Nature's natural the cutter-off of
Nature's wit.

CELIA

Peradventure this is not Fortune's work neither, but
Nature's; who perceiveth our natural wits too dull
to reason of such goddesses and hath sent this
natural for our whetstone; for always the dulness of
the fool is the whetstone of the wits. How now,
wit! whither wander you?

TOUCHSTONE

Mistress, you must come away to your father.

CELIA

Were you made the messenger?

TOUCHSTONE

No, by mine honour, but I was bid to come for you.

ROSALIND

Where learned you that oath, fool?

TOUCHSTONE

Of a certain knight that swore by his honour they
were good pancakes and swore by his honour the
mustard was naught: now I'll stand to it, the
pancakes were naught and the mustard was good, and
yet was not the knight forsworn.

CELIA

How prove you that, in the great heap of your
knowledge?

ROSALIND

Ay, marry, now unmuzzle your wisdom.

TOUCHSTONE

Stand you both forth now: stroke your chins, and
swear by your beards that I am a knave.

CELIA

By our beards, if we had them, thou art.

TOUCHSTONE

By my knavery, if I had it, then I were; but if you
swear by that that is not, you are not forsworn: no
more was this knight swearing by his honour, for he
never had any; or if he had, he had sworn it away
before ever he saw those pancakes or that mustard.

CELIA

Prithee, who is't that thou meanest?

TOUCHSTONE

One that old Frederick, your father, loves.

CELIA

My father's love is enough to honour him: enough!
speak no more of him; you'll be whipped for taxation
one of these days.

TOUCHSTONE

The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what
wise men do foolishly.

CELIA

By my troth, thou sayest true; for since the little
wit that fools have was silenced, the little foolery
that wise men have makes a great show. Here comes
Monsieur Le Beau.

ROSALIND

With his mouth full of news.

CELIA

Which he will put on us, as pigeons feed their young.

ROSALIND

Then shall we be news-crammed.

CELIA

All the better; we shall be the more marketable.

Enter LE BEAU
Bon jour, Monsieur Le Beau: what's the news?

LE BEAU

Fair princess, you have lost much good sport.

CELIA

Sport! of what colour?

LE BEAU

What colour, madam! how shall I answer you?

ROSALIND

As wit and fortune will.

TOUCHSTONE

Or as the Destinies decree.

CELIA

Well said: that was laid on with a trowel.

TOUCHSTONE

Nay, if I keep not my rank,--

ROSALIND

Thou losest thy old smell.

LE BEAU

You amaze me, ladies: I would have told you of good
wrestling, which you have lost the sight of.

ROSALIND

You tell us the manner of the wrestling.

LE BEAU

I will tell you the beginning; and, if it please
your ladyships, you may see the end; for the best is
yet to do; and here, where you are, they are coming
to perform it.

CELIA

Well, the beginning, that is dead and buried.

LE BEAU

There comes an old man and his three sons,--

CELIA

I could match this beginning with an old tale.

LE BEAU

Three proper young men, of excellent growth and presence.

ROSALIND

With bills on their necks, 'Be it known unto all men
by these presents.'

LE BEAU

The eldest of the three wrestled with Charles, the
duke's wrestler; which Charles in a moment threw him
and broke three of his ribs, that there is little
hope of life in him: so he served the second, and
so the third. Yonder they lie; the poor old man,
their father, making such pitiful dole over them
that all the beholders take his part with weeping.

ROSALIND

Alas!

TOUCHSTONE

But what is the sport, monsieur, that the ladies
have lost?

LE BEAU

Why, this that I speak of.

TOUCHSTONE

Thus men may grow wiser every day: it is the first
time that ever I heard breaking of ribs was sport
for ladies.

CELIA

Or I, I promise thee.

ROSALIND

But is there any else longs to see this broken music
in his sides? is there yet another dotes upon
rib-breaking? Shall we see this wrestling, cousin?

LE BEAU

You must, if you stay here; for here is the place
appointed for the wrestling, and they are ready to
perform it.

CELIA

Yonder, sure, they are coming: let us now stay and see it.

Flourish. Enter DUKE FREDERICK, Lords, ORLANDO, CHARLES, and Attendants

DUKE FREDERICK

Come on: since the youth will not be entreated, his
own peril on his forwardness.

ROSALIND

Is yonder the man?

LE BEAU

Even he, madam.

CELIA

Alas, he is too young! yet he looks successfully.

DUKE FREDERICK

How now, daughter and cousin! are you crept hither
to see the wrestling?

ROSALIND

Ay, my liege, so please you give us leave.

DUKE FREDERICK

You will take little delight in it, I can tell you;
there is such odds in the man. In pity of the
challenger's youth I would fain dissuade him, but he
will not be entreated. Speak to him, ladies; see if
you can move him.

CELIA

Call him hither, good Monsieur Le Beau.

DUKE FREDERICK

Do so: I'll not be by.

LE BEAU

Monsieur the challenger, the princesses call for you.

ORLANDO

I attend them with all respect and duty.

ROSALIND

Young man, have you challenged Charles the wrestler?

ORLANDO

No, fair princess; he is the general challenger: I
come but in, as others do, to try with him the
strength of my youth.

CELIA

Young gentleman, your spirits are too bold for your
years. You have seen cruel proof of this man's
strength: if you saw yourself with your eyes or
knew yourself with your judgment, the fear of your
adventure would counsel you to a more equal
enterprise. We pray you, for your own sake, to
embrace your own safety and give over this attempt.

ROSALIND

Do, young sir; your reputation shall not therefore
be misprised: we will make it our suit to the duke
that the wrestling might not go forward.

ORLANDO

I beseech you, punish me not with your hard
thoughts; wherein I confess me much guilty, to deny
so fair and excellent ladies any thing. But let
your fair eyes and gentle wishes go with me to my
trial: wherein if I be foiled, there is but one
shamed that was never gracious; if killed, but one
dead that was willing to be so: I shall do my
friends no wrong, for I have none to lament me, the
world no injury, for in it I have nothing; only in
the world I fill up a place, which may be better
supplied when I have made it empty.

ROSALIND

The little strength that I have, I would it were with you.

CELIA

And mine, to eke out hers.

ROSALIND

Fare you well: pray heaven I be deceived in you!

CELIA

Your heart's desires be with you!

CHARLES

Come, where is this young gallant that is so
desirous to lie with his mother earth?

ORLANDO

Ready, sir; but his will hath in it a more modest working.

DUKE FREDERICK

You shall try but one fall.

CHARLES

No, I warrant your grace, you shall not entreat him
to a second, that have so mightily persuaded him
from a first.

ORLANDO

An you mean to mock me after, you should not have
mocked me before: but come your ways.

ROSALIND

Now Hercules be thy speed, young man!

CELIA

I would I were invisible, to catch the strong
fellow by the leg.

They wrestle

ROSALIND

O excellent young man!

CELIA

If I had a thunderbolt in mine eye, I can tell who
should down.

Shout. CHARLES is thrown

DUKE FREDERICK

No more, no more.

ORLANDO

Yes, I beseech your grace: I am not yet well breathed.

DUKE FREDERICK

How dost thou, Charles?

LE BEAU

He cannot speak, my lord.

DUKE FREDERICK

Bear him away. What is thy name, young man?

ORLANDO

Orlando, my liege; the youngest son of Sir Rowland de Boys.

DUKE FREDERICK

I would thou hadst been son to some man else:
The world esteem'd thy father honourable,
But I did find him still mine enemy:
Thou shouldst have better pleased me with this deed,
Hadst thou descended from another house.
But fare thee well; thou art a gallant youth:
I would thou hadst told me of another father.

Exeunt DUKE FREDERICK, train, and LE BEAU

CELIA

Were I my father, coz, would I do this?

ORLANDO

I am more proud to be Sir Rowland's son,
His youngest son; and would not change that calling,
To be adopted heir to Frederick.

ROSALIND

My father loved Sir Rowland as his soul,
And all the world was of my father's mind:
Had I before known this young man his son,
I should have given him tears unto entreaties,
Ere he should thus have ventured.

CELIA

Gentle cousin,
Let us go thank him and encourage him:
My father's rough and envious disposition
Sticks me at heart. Sir, you have well deserved:
If you do keep your promises in love
But justly, as you have exceeded all promise,
Your mistress shall be happy.

ROSALIND

Gentleman,

Giving him a chain from her neck
Wear this for me, one out of suits with fortune,
That could give more, but that her hand lacks means.
Shall we go, coz?

CELIA

Ay. Fare you well, fair gentleman.

ORLANDO

Can I not say, I thank you? My better parts
Are all thrown down, and that which here stands up
Is but a quintain, a mere lifeless block.

ROSALIND

He calls us back: my pride fell with my fortunes;
I'll ask him what he would. Did you call, sir?
Sir, you have wrestled well and overthrown
More than your enemies.

CELIA

Will you go, coz?

ROSALIND

Have with you. Fare you well.

Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA

ORLANDO

What passion hangs these weights upon my tongue?
I cannot speak to her, yet she urged conference.
O poor Orlando, thou art overthrown!
Or Charles or something weaker masters thee.

Re-enter LE BEAU

LE BEAU

Good sir, I do in friendship counsel you
To leave this place. Albeit you have deserved
High commendation, true applause and love,
Yet such is now the duke's condition
That he misconstrues all that you have done.
The duke is humorous; what he is indeed,
More suits you to conceive than I to speak of.

ORLANDO

I thank you, sir: and, pray you, tell me this:
Which of the two was daughter of the duke
That here was at the wrestling?

LE BEAU

Neither his daughter, if we judge by manners;
But yet indeed the lesser is his daughter
The other is daughter to the banish'd duke,
And here detain'd by her usurping uncle,
To keep his daughter company; whose loves
Are dearer than the natural bond of sisters.
But I can tell you that of late this duke
Hath ta'en displeasure 'gainst his gentle niece,
Grounded upon no other argument
But that the people praise her for her virtues
And pity her for her good father's sake;
And, on my life, his malice 'gainst the lady
Will suddenly break forth. Sir, fare you well:
Hereafter, in a better world than this,
I shall desire more love and knowledge of you.

ORLANDO

I rest much bounden to you: fare you well.

Exit LE BEAU
Thus must I from the smoke into the smother;
From tyrant duke unto a tyrant brother:
But heavenly Rosalind!

Exit

SCENE III. A room in the palace.

Enter CELIA and ROSALIND

CELIA

Why, cousin! why, Rosalind! Cupid have mercy! not a word?

ROSALIND

Not one to throw at a dog.

CELIA

No, thy words are too precious to be cast away upon
curs; throw some of them at me; come, lame me with reasons.

ROSALIND

Then there were two cousins laid up; when the one
should be lamed with reasons and the other mad
without any.

CELIA

But is all this for your father?

ROSALIND

No, some of it is for my child's father. O, how
full of briers is this working-day world!

CELIA

They are but burs, cousin, thrown upon thee in
holiday foolery: if we walk not in the trodden
paths our very petticoats will catch them.

ROSALIND

I could shake them off my coat: these burs are in my heart.

CELIA

Hem them away.

ROSALIND

I would try, if I could cry 'hem' and have him.

CELIA

Come, come, wrestle with thy affections.

ROSALIND

O, they take the part of a better wrestler than myself!

CELIA

O, a good wish upon you! you will try in time, in
despite of a fall. But, turning these jests out of
service, let us talk in good earnest: is it
possible, on such a sudden, you should fall into so
strong a liking with old Sir Rowland's youngest son?

ROSALIND

The duke my father loved his father dearly.

CELIA

Doth it therefore ensue that you should love his son
dearly? By this kind of chase, I should hate him,
for my father hated his father dearly; yet I hate
not Orlando.

ROSALIND

No, faith, hate him not, for my sake.

CELIA

Why should I not? doth he not deserve well?

ROSALIND

Let me love him for that, and do you love him
because I do. Look, here comes the duke.

CELIA

With his eyes full of anger.

Enter DUKE FREDERICK, with Lords

DUKE FREDERICK

Mistress, dispatch you with your safest haste
And get you from our court.

ROSALIND

Me, uncle?

DUKE FREDERICK

You, cousin
Within these ten days if that thou be'st found
So near our public court as twenty miles,
Thou diest for it.

ROSALIND

I do beseech your grace,
Let me the knowledge of my fault bear with me:
If with myself I hold intelligence
Or have acquaintance with mine own desires,
If that I do not dream or be not frantic,--
As I do trust I am not--then, dear uncle,
Never so much as in a thought unborn
Did I offend your highness.

DUKE FREDERICK

Thus do all traitors:
If their purgation did consist in words,
They are as innocent as grace itself:
Let it suffice thee that I trust thee not.

ROSALIND

Yet your mistrust cannot make me a traitor:
Tell me whereon the likelihood depends.

DUKE FREDERICK

Thou art thy father's daughter; there's enough.

ROSALIND

So was I when your highness took his dukedom;
So was I when your highness banish'd him:
Treason is not inherited, my lord;
Or, if we did derive it from our friends,
What's that to me? my father was no traitor:
Then, good my liege, mistake me not so much
To think my poverty is treacherous.

CELIA

Dear sovereign, hear me speak.

DUKE FREDERICK

Ay, Celia; we stay'd her for your sake,
Else had she with her father ranged along.

CELIA

I did not then entreat to have her stay;
It was your pleasure and your own remorse:
I was too young that time to value her;
But now I know her: if she be a traitor,
Why so am I; we still have slept together,
Rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together,
And wheresoever we went, like Juno's swans,
Still we went coupled and inseparable.

DUKE FREDERICK

She is too subtle for thee; and her smoothness,
Her very silence and her patience
Speak to the people, and they pity her.
Thou art a fool: she robs thee of thy name;
And thou wilt show more bright and seem more virtuous
When she is gone. Then open not thy lips:
Firm and irrevocable is my doom
Which I have pass'd upon her; she is banish'd.

CELIA

Pronounce that sentence then on me, my liege:
I cannot live out of her company.

DUKE FREDERICK

You are a fool. You, niece, provide yourself:
If you outstay the time, upon mine honour,
And in the greatness of my word, you die.

Exeunt DUKE FREDERICK and Lords

CELIA

O my poor Rosalind, whither wilt thou go?
Wilt thou change fathers? I will give thee mine.
I charge thee, be not thou more grieved than I am.

ROSALIND

I have more cause.

CELIA

Thou hast not, cousin;
Prithee be cheerful: know'st thou not, the duke
Hath banish'd me, his daughter?

ROSALIND

That he hath not.

CELIA

No, hath not? Rosalind lacks then the love
Which teacheth thee that thou and I am one:
Shall we be sunder'd? shall we part, sweet girl?
No: let my father seek another heir.
Therefore devise with me how we may fly,
Whither to go and what to bear with us;
And do not seek to take your change upon you,
To bear your griefs yourself and leave me out;
For, by this heaven, now at our sorrows pale,
Say what thou canst, I'll go along with thee.

ROSALIND

Why, whither shall we go?

CELIA

To seek my uncle in the forest of Arden.

ROSALIND

Alas, what danger will it be to us,
Maids as we are, to travel forth so far!
Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold.

CELIA

I'll put myself in poor and mean attire
And with a kind of umber smirch my face;
The like do you: so shall we pass along
And never stir assailants.

ROSALIND

Were it not better,
Because that I am more than common tall,
That I did suit me all points like a man?
A gallant curtle-axe upon my thigh,
A boar-spear in my hand; and--in my heart
Lie there what hidden woman's fear there will--
We'll have a swashing and a martial outside,
As many other mannish cowards have
That do outface it with their semblances.

CELIA

What shall I call thee when thou art a man?

ROSALIND

I'll have no worse a name than Jove's own page;
And therefore look you call me Ganymede.
But what will you be call'd?

CELIA

Something that hath a reference to my state
No longer Celia, but Aliena.

ROSALIND

But, cousin, what if we assay'd to steal
The clownish fool out of your father's court?
Would he not be a comfort to our travel?

CELIA

He'll go along o'er the wide world with me;
Leave me alone to woo him. Let's away,
And get our jewels and our wealth together,
Devise the fittest time and safest way
To hide us from pursuit that will be made
After my flight. Now go we in content
To liberty and not to banishment.

Exeunt

ACT II
SCENE I. The Forest of Arden.

Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and two or three Lords, like foresters

DUKE SENIOR

Now, my co-mates and brothers in exile,
Hath not old custom made this life more sweet
Than that of painted pomp? Are not these woods
More free from peril than the envious court?
Here feel we but the penalty of Adam,
The seasons' difference, as the icy fang
And churlish chiding of the winter's wind,
Which, when it bites and blows upon my body,
Even till I shrink with cold, I smile and say
'This is no flattery: these are counsellors
That feelingly persuade me what I am.'
Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head;
And this our life exempt from public haunt
Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones and good in every thing.
I would not change it.

AMIENS

Happy is your grace,
That can translate the stubbornness of fortune
Into so quiet and so sweet a style.

DUKE SENIOR

Come, shall we go and kill us venison?
And yet it irks me the poor dappled fools,
Being native burghers of this desert city,
Should in their own confines with forked heads
Have their round haunches gored.

First Lord

Indeed, my lord,
The melancholy Jaques grieves at that,
And, in that kind, swears you do more usurp
Than doth your brother that hath banish'd you.
To-day my Lord of Amiens and myself
Did steal behind him as he lay along
Under an oak whose antique root peeps out
Upon the brook that brawls along this wood:
To the which place a poor sequester'd stag,
That from the hunter's aim had ta'en a hurt,
Did come to languish, and indeed, my lord,
The wretched animal heaved forth such groans
That their discharge did stretch his leathern coat
Almost to bursting, and the big round tears
Coursed one another down his innocent nose
In piteous chase; and thus the hairy fool
Much marked of the melancholy Jaques,
Stood on the extremest verge of the swift brook,
Augmenting it with tears.

DUKE SENIOR

But what said Jaques?
Did he not moralize this spectacle?

First Lord

O, yes, into a thousand similes.
First, for his weeping into the needless stream;
'Poor deer,' quoth he, 'thou makest a testament
As worldlings do, giving thy sum of more
To that which had too much:' then, being there alone,
Left and abandon'd of his velvet friends,
''Tis right:' quoth he; 'thus misery doth part
The flux of company:' anon a careless herd,
Full of the pasture, jumps along by him
And never stays to greet him; 'Ay' quoth Jaques,
'Sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens;
'Tis just the fashion: wherefore do you look
Upon that poor and broken bankrupt there?'
Thus most invectively he pierceth through
The body of the country, city, court,
Yea, and of this our life, swearing that we
Are mere usurpers, tyrants and what's worse,
To fright the animals and to kill them up
In their assign'd and native dwelling-place.

DUKE SENIOR

And did you leave him in this contemplation?

Second Lord

We did, my lord, weeping and commenting
Upon the sobbing deer.

DUKE SENIOR

Show me the place:
I love to cope him in these sullen fits,
For then he's full of matter.

First Lord

I'll bring you to him straight.

Exeunt

SCENE II. A room in the palace.

Enter DUKE FREDERICK, with Lords

DUKE FREDERICK

Can it be possible that no man saw them?
It cannot be: some villains of my court
Are of consent and sufferance in this.

First Lord

I cannot hear of any that did see her.
The ladies, her attendants of her chamber,
Saw her abed, and in the morning early
They found the bed untreasured of their mistress.

Second Lord

My lord, the roynish clown, at whom so oft
Your grace was wont to laugh, is also missing.
Hisperia, the princess' gentlewoman,
Confesses that she secretly o'erheard
Your daughter and her cousin much commend
The parts and graces of the wrestler
That did but lately foil the sinewy Charles;
And she believes, wherever they are gone,
That youth is surely in their company.

DUKE FREDERICK

Send to his brother; fetch that gallant hither;
If he be absent, bring his brother to me;
I'll make him find him: do this suddenly,
And let not search and inquisition quail
To bring again these foolish runaways.

Exeunt

SCENE III. Before OLIVER'S house.

Enter ORLANDO and ADAM, meeting

ORLANDO

Who's there?

ADAM

What, my young master? O, my gentle master!
O my sweet master! O you memory
Of old Sir Rowland! why, what make you here?
Why are you virtuous? why do people love you?
And wherefore are you gentle, strong and valiant?
Why would you be so fond to overcome
The bonny priser of the humorous duke?
Your praise is come too swiftly home before you.
Know you not, master, to some kind of men
Their graces serve them but as enemies?
No more do yours: your virtues, gentle master,
Are sanctified and holy traitors to you.
O, what a world is this, when what is comely
Envenoms him that bears it!

ORLANDO

Why, what's the matter?

ADAM

O unhappy youth!
Come not within these doors; within this roof
The enemy of all your graces lives:
Your brother--no, no brother; yet the son--
Yet not the son, I will not call him son
Of him I was about to call his father--
Hath heard your praises, and this night he means
To burn the lodging where you use to lie
And you within it: if he fail of that,
He will have other means to cut you off.
I overheard him and his practises.
This is no place; this house is but a butchery:
Abhor it, fear it, do not enter it.

ORLANDO

Why, whither, Adam, wouldst thou have me go?

ADAM

No matter whither, so you come not here.

ORLANDO

What, wouldst thou have me go and beg my food?
Or with a base and boisterous sword enforce
A thievish living on the common road?
This I must do, or know not what to do:
Yet this I will not do, do how I can;
I rather will subject me to the malice
Of a diverted blood and bloody brother.

ADAM

But do not so. I have five hundred crowns,
The thrifty hire I saved under your father,
Which I did store to be my foster-nurse
When service should in my old limbs lie lame
And unregarded age in corners thrown:
Take that, and He that doth the ravens feed,
Yea, providently caters for the sparrow,
Be comfort to my age! Here is the gold;
And all this I give you. Let me be your servant:
Though I look old, yet I am strong and lusty;
For in my youth I never did apply
Hot and rebellious liquors in my blood,
Nor did not with unbashful forehead woo
The means of weakness and debility;
Therefore my age is as a lusty winter,
Frosty, but kindly: let me go with you;
I'll do the service of a younger man
In all your business and necessities.

ORLANDO

O good old man, how well in thee appears
The constant service of the antique world,
When service sweat for duty, not for meed!
Thou art not for the fashion of these times,
Where none will sweat but for promotion,
And having that, do choke their service up
Even with the having: it is not so with thee.
But, poor old man, thou prunest a rotten tree,
That cannot so much as a blossom yield
In lieu of all thy pains and husbandry
But come thy ways; well go along together,
And ere we have thy youthful wages spent,
We'll light upon some settled low content.

ADAM

Master, go on, and I will follow thee,
To the last gasp, with truth and loyalty.
From seventeen years till now almost fourscore
Here lived I, but now live here no more.
At seventeen years many their fortunes seek;
But at fourscore it is too late a week:
Yet fortune cannot recompense me better
Than to die well and not my master's debtor.

Exeunt

SCENE IV. The Forest of Arden.

Enter ROSALIND for Ganymede, CELIA for Aliena, and TOUCHSTONE

ROSALIND

O Jupiter, how weary are my spirits!

TOUCHSTONE

I care not for my spirits, if my legs were not weary.

ROSALIND

I could find in my heart to disgrace my man's
apparel and to cry like a woman; but I must comfort
the weaker vessel, as doublet and hose ought to show
itself courageous to petticoat: therefore courage,
good Aliena!

CELIA

I pray you, bear with me; I cannot go no further.

TOUCHSTONE

For my part, I had rather bear with you than bear
you; yet I should bear no cross if I did bear you,
for I think you have no money in your purse.

ROSALIND

Well, this is the forest of Arden.

TOUCHSTONE

Ay, now am I in Arden; the more fool I; when I was
at home, I was in a better place: but travellers
must be content.

ROSALIND

Ay, be so, good Touchstone.

Enter CORIN and SILVIUS
Look you, who comes here; a young man and an old in
solemn talk.

CORIN

That is the way to make her scorn you still.

SILVIUS

O Corin, that thou knew'st how I do love her!

CORIN

I partly guess; for I have loved ere now.

SILVIUS

No, Corin, being old, thou canst not guess,
Though in thy youth thou wast as true a lover
As ever sigh'd upon a midnight pillow:
But if thy love were ever like to mine--
As sure I think did never man love so--
How many actions most ridiculous
Hast thou been drawn to by thy fantasy?

CORIN

Into a thousand that I have forgotten.

SILVIUS

O, thou didst then ne'er love so heartily!
If thou remember'st not the slightest folly
That ever love did make thee run into,
Thou hast not loved:
Or if thou hast not sat as I do now,
Wearying thy hearer in thy mistress' praise,
Thou hast not loved:
Or if thou hast not broke from company
Abruptly, as my passion now makes me,
Thou hast not loved.
O Phebe, Phebe, Phebe!

Exit

ROSALIND

Alas, poor shepherd! searching of thy wound,
I have by hard adventure found mine own.

TOUCHSTONE

And I mine. I remember, when I was in love I broke
my sword upon a stone and bid him take that for
coming a-night to Jane Smile; and I remember the
kissing of her batlet and the cow's dugs that her
pretty chopt hands had milked; and I remember the
wooing of a peascod instead of her, from whom I took
two cods and, giving her them again, said with
weeping tears 'Wear these for my sake.' We that are
true lovers run into strange capers; but as all is
mortal in nature, so is all nature in love mortal in folly.

ROSALIND

Thou speakest wiser than thou art ware of.

TOUCHSTONE

Nay, I shall ne'er be ware of mine own wit till I
break my shins against it.

ROSALIND

Jove, Jove! this shepherd's passion
Is much upon my fashion.

TOUCHSTONE

And mine; but it grows something stale with me.

CELIA

I pray you, one of you question yond man
If he for gold will give us any food:
I faint almost to death.

TOUCHSTONE

Holla, you clown!

ROSALIND

Peace, fool: he's not thy kinsman.

CORIN

Who calls?

TOUCHSTONE

Your betters, sir.

CORIN

Else are they very wretched.

ROSALIND

Peace, I say. Good even to you, friend.

CORIN

And to you, gentle sir, and to you all.

ROSALIND

I prithee, shepherd, if that love or gold
Can in this desert place buy entertainment,
Bring us where we may rest ourselves and feed:
Here's a young maid with travel much oppress'd
And faints for succor.

CORIN

Fair sir, I pity her
And wish, for her sake more than for mine own,
My fortunes were more able to relieve her;
But I am shepherd to another man
And do not shear the fleeces that I graze:
My master is of churlish disposition
And little recks to find the way to heaven
By doing deeds of hospitality:
Besides, his cote, his flocks and bounds of feed
Are now on sale, and at our sheepcote now,
By reason of his absence, there is nothing
That you will feed on; but what is, come see.
And in my voice most welcome shall you be.

ROSALIND

What is he that shall buy his flock and pasture?

CORIN

That young swain that you saw here but erewhile,
That little cares for buying any thing.

ROSALIND

I pray thee, if it stand with honesty,
Buy thou the cottage, pasture and the flock,
And thou shalt have to pay for it of us.

CELIA

And we will mend thy wages. I like this place.
And willingly could waste my time in it.

CORIN

Assuredly the thing is to be sold:
Go with me: if you like upon report
The soil, the profit and this kind of life,
I will your very faithful feeder be
And buy it with your gold right suddenly.

Exeunt

SCENE V. The Forest.

Enter AMIENS, JAQUES, and others

SONG.

AMIENS

Under the greenwood tree
Who loves to lie with me,
And turn his merry note
Unto the sweet bird's throat,
Come hither, come hither, come hither:
Here shall he see No enemy
But winter and rough weather.

JAQUES

More, more, I prithee, more.

AMIENS

It will make you melancholy, Monsieur Jaques.

JAQUES

I thank it. More, I prithee, more. I can suck
melancholy out of a song, as a weasel sucks eggs.
More, I prithee, more.

AMIENS

My voice is ragged: I know I cannot please you.

JAQUES

I do not desire you to please me; I do desire you to
sing. Come, more; another stanzo: call you 'em stanzos?

AMIENS

What you will, Monsieur Jaques.

JAQUES

Nay, I care not for their names; they owe me
nothing. Will you sing?

AMIENS

More at your request than to please myself.

JAQUES

Well then, if ever I thank any man, I'll thank you;
but that they call compliment is like the encounter
of two dog-apes, and when a man thanks me heartily,
methinks I have given him a penny and he renders me
the beggarly thanks. Come, sing; and you that will
not, hold your tongues.

AMIENS

Well, I'll end the song. Sirs, cover the while; the
duke will drink under this tree. He hath been all
this day to look you.

JAQUES

And I have been all this day to avoid him. He is
too disputable for my company: I think of as many
matters as he, but I give heaven thanks and make no
boast of them. Come, warble, come.
SONG.
Who doth ambition shun

All together here
And loves to live i' the sun,
Seeking the food he eats
And pleased with what he gets,
Come hither, come hither, come hither:
Here shall he see No enemy
But winter and rough weather.

JAQUES

I'll give you a verse to this note that I made
yesterday in despite of my invention.

AMIENS

And I'll sing it.

JAQUES

Thus it goes:--
If it do come to pass
That any man turn ass,
Leaving his wealth and ease,
A stubborn will to please,
Ducdame, ducdame, ducdame:
Here shall he see
Gross fools as he,
An if he will come to me.

AMIENS

What's that 'ducdame'?

JAQUES

'Tis a Greek invocation, to call fools into a
circle. I'll go sleep, if I can; if I cannot, I'll
rail against all the first-born of Egypt.

AMIENS

And I'll go seek the duke: his banquet is prepared.

Exeunt severally

SCENE VI. The forest.

Enter ORLANDO and ADAM

ADAM

Dear master, I can go no further. O, I die for food!
Here lie I down, and measure out my grave. Farewell,
kind master.

ORLANDO

Why, how now, Adam! no greater heart in thee? Live
a little; comfort a little; cheer thyself a little.
If this uncouth forest yield any thing savage, I
will either be food for it or bring it for food to
thee. Thy conceit is nearer death than thy powers.
For my sake be comfortable; hold death awhile at
the arm's end: I will here be with thee presently;
and if I bring thee not something to eat, I will
give thee leave to die: but if thou diest before I
come, thou art a mocker of my labour. Well said!
thou lookest cheerly, and I'll be with thee quickly.
Yet thou liest in the bleak air: come, I will bear
thee to some shelter; and thou shalt not die for
lack of a dinner, if there live any thing in this
desert. Cheerly, good Adam!

Exeunt

SCENE VII. The forest.

A table set out. Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and Lords like outlaws

DUKE SENIOR

I think he be transform'd into a beast;
For I can no where find him like a man.

First Lord

My lord, he is but even now gone hence:
Here was he merry, hearing of a song.

DUKE SENIOR

If he, compact of jars, grow musical,
We shall have shortly discord in the spheres.
Go, seek him: tell him I would speak with him.

Enter JAQUES

First Lord

He saves my labour by his own approach.

DUKE SENIOR

Why, how now, monsieur! what a life is this,
That your poor friends must woo your company?
What, you look merrily!

JAQUES

A fool, a fool! I met a fool i' the forest,
A motley fool; a miserable world!
As I do live by food, I met a fool
Who laid him down and bask'd him in the sun,
And rail'd on Lady Fortune in good terms,
In good set terms and yet a motley fool.
'Good morrow, fool,' quoth I. 'No, sir,' quoth he,
'Call me not fool till heaven hath sent me fortune:'
And then he drew a dial from his poke,
And, looking on it with lack-lustre eye,
Says very wisely, 'It is ten o'clock:
Thus we may see,' quoth he, 'how the world wags:
'Tis but an hour ago since it was nine,
And after one hour more 'twill be eleven;
And so, from hour to hour, we ripe and ripe,
And then, from hour to hour, we rot and rot;
And thereby hangs a tale.' When I did hear
The motley fool thus moral on the time,
My lungs began to crow like chanticleer,
That fools should be so deep-contemplative,
And I did laugh sans intermission
An hour by his dial. O noble fool!
A worthy fool! Motley's the only wear.

DUKE SENIOR

What fool is this?

JAQUES

O worthy fool! One that hath been a courtier,
And says, if ladies be but young and fair,
They have the gift to know it: and in his brain,
Which is as dry as the remainder biscuit
After a voyage, he hath strange places cramm'd
With observation, the which he vents
In mangled forms. O that I were a fool!
I am ambitious for a motley coat.

DUKE SENIOR

Thou shalt have one.

JAQUES

It is my only suit;
Provided that you weed your better judgments
Of all opinion that grows rank in them
That I am wise. I must have liberty
Withal, as large a charter as the wind,
To blow on whom I please; for so fools have;
And they that are most galled with my folly,
They most must laugh. And why, sir, must they so?
The 'why' is plain as way to parish church:
He that a fool doth very wisely hit
Doth very foolishly, although he smart,
Not to seem senseless of the bob: if not,
The wise man's folly is anatomized
Even by the squandering glances of the fool.
Invest me in my motley; give me leave
To speak my mind, and I will through and through
Cleanse the foul body of the infected world,
If they will patiently receive my medicine.

DUKE SENIOR

Fie on thee! I can tell what thou wouldst do.

JAQUES

What, for a counter, would I do but good?

DUKE SENIOR

Most mischievous foul sin, in chiding sin:
For thou thyself hast been a libertine,
As sensual as the brutish sting itself;
And all the embossed sores and headed evils,
That thou with licence of free foot hast caught,
Wouldst thou disgorge into the general world.

JAQUES

Why, who cries out on pride,
That can therein tax any private party?
Doth it not flow as hugely as the sea,
Till that the weary very means do ebb?
What woman in the city do I name,
When that I say the city-woman bears
The cost of princes on unworthy shoulders?
Who can come in and say that I mean her,
When such a one as she such is her neighbour?
Or what is he of basest function
That says his bravery is not of my cost,
Thinking that I mean him, but therein suits
His folly to the mettle of my speech?
There then; how then? what then? Let me see wherein
My tongue hath wrong'd him: if it do him right,
Then he hath wrong'd himself; if he be free,
Why then my taxing like a wild-goose flies,
Unclaim'd of any man. But who comes here?

Enter ORLANDO, with his sword drawn

ORLANDO

Forbear, and eat no more.

JAQUES

Why, I have eat none yet.

ORLANDO

Nor shalt not, till necessity be served.

JAQUES

Of what kind should this cock come of?

DUKE SENIOR

Art thou thus bolden'd, man, by thy distress,
Or else a rude despiser of good manners,
That in civility thou seem'st so empty?

ORLANDO

You touch'd my vein at first: the thorny point
Of bare distress hath ta'en from me the show
Of smooth civility: yet am I inland bred
And know some nurture. But forbear, I say:
He dies that touches any of this fruit
Till I and my affairs are answered.

JAQUES

An you will not be answered with reason, I must die.

DUKE SENIOR

What would you have? Your gentleness shall force
More than your force move us to gentleness.

ORLANDO

I almost die for food; and let me have it.

DUKE SENIOR

Sit down and feed, and welcome to our table.

ORLANDO

Speak you so gently? Pardon me, I pray you:
I thought that all things had been savage here;
And therefore put I on the countenance
Of stern commandment. But whate'er you are
That in this desert inaccessible,
Under the shade of melancholy boughs,
Lose and neglect the creeping hours of time
If ever you have look'd on better days,
If ever been where bells have knoll'd to church,
If ever sat at any good man's feast,
If ever from your eyelids wiped a tear
And know what 'tis to pity and be pitied,
Let gentleness my strong enforcement be:
In the which hope I blush, and hide my sword.

DUKE SENIOR

True is it that we have seen better days,
And have with holy bell been knoll'd to church
And sat at good men's feasts and wiped our eyes
Of drops that sacred pity hath engender'd:
And therefore sit you down in gentleness
And take upon command what help we have
That to your wanting may be minister'd.

ORLANDO

Then but forbear your food a little while,
Whiles, like a doe, I go to find my fawn
And give it food. There is an old poor man,
Who after me hath many a weary step
Limp'd in pure love: till he be first sufficed,
Oppress'd with two weak evils, age and hunger,
I will not touch a bit.

DUKE SENIOR

Go find him out,
And we will nothing waste till you return.

ORLANDO

I thank ye; and be blest for your good comfort!

Exit

DUKE SENIOR

Thou seest we are not all alone unhappy:
This wide and universal theatre
Presents more woeful pageants than the scene
Wherein we play in.

JAQUES

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Re-enter ORLANDO, with ADAM

DUKE SENIOR

Welcome. Set down your venerable burthen,
And let him feed.

ORLANDO

I thank you most for him.

ADAM

So had you need:
I scarce can speak to thank you for myself.

DUKE SENIOR

Welcome; fall to: I will not trouble you
As yet, to question you about your fortunes.
Give us some music; and, good cousin, sing.
SONG.

AMIENS

Blow, blow, thou winter wind.
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude;
Thy tooth is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude.
Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then, heigh-ho, the holly!
This life is most jolly.
Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky,
That dost not bite so nigh
As benefits forgot:
Though thou the waters warp,
Thy sting is not so sharp
As friend remember'd not.
Heigh-ho! sing, & c.

DUKE SENIOR

If that you were the good Sir Rowland's son,
As you have whisper'd faithfully you were,
And as mine eye doth his effigies witness
Most truly limn'd and living in your face,
Be truly welcome hither: I am the duke
That loved your father: the residue of your fortune,
Go to my cave and tell me. Good old man,
Thou art right welcome as thy master is.
Support him by the arm. Give me your hand,
And let me all your fortunes understand.

Exeunt

ACT III
SCENE I. A room in the palace.

Enter DUKE FREDERICK, Lords, and OLIVER

DUKE FREDERICK

Not see him since? Sir, sir, that cannot be:
But were I not the better part made mercy,
I should not seek an absent argument
Of my revenge, thou present. But look to it:
Find out thy brother, wheresoe'er he is;
Seek him with candle; bring him dead or living
Within this twelvemonth, or turn thou no more
To seek a living in our territory.
Thy lands and all things that thou dost call thine
Worth seizure do we seize into our hands,
Till thou canst quit thee by thy brothers mouth
Of what we think against thee.

OLIVER

O that your highness knew my heart in this!
I never loved my brother in my life.

DUKE FREDERICK

More villain thou. Well, push him out of doors;
And let my officers of such a nature
Make an extent upon his house and lands:
Do this expediently and turn him going.

Exeunt

SCENE II. The forest.

Enter ORLANDO, with a paper

ORLANDO

Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:
And thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, survey
With thy chaste eye, from thy pale sphere above,
Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway.
O Rosalind! these trees shall be my books
And in their barks my thoughts I'll character;
That every eye which in this forest looks
Shall see thy virtue witness'd every where.
Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree
The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.

Exit

Enter CORIN and TOUCHSTONE

CORIN

And how like you this shepherd's life, Master Touchstone?

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, shepherd, in respect of itself, it is a good
life, but in respect that it is a shepherd's life,
it is naught. In respect that it is solitary, I
like it very well; but in respect that it is
private, it is a very vile life. Now, in respect it
is in the fields, it pleaseth me well; but in
respect it is not in the court, it is tedious. As
is it a spare life, look you, it fits my humour well;
but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes much
against my stomach. Hast any philosophy in thee, shepherd?

CORIN

No more but that I know the more one sickens the
worse at ease he is; and that he that wants money,
means and content is without three good friends;
that the property of rain is to wet and fire to
burn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that a
great cause of the night is lack of the sun; that
he that hath learned no wit by nature nor art may
complain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred.

TOUCHSTONE

Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever in
court, shepherd?

CORIN

No, truly.

TOUCHSTONE

Then thou art damned.

CORIN

Nay, I hope.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all
on one side.

CORIN

For not being at court? Your reason.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest
good manners; if thou never sawest good manners,
then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is
sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous
state, shepherd.

CORIN

Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good manners
at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the
behavior of the country is most mockable at the
court. You told me you salute not at the court, but
you kiss your hands: that courtesy would be
uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.

TOUCHSTONE

Instance, briefly; come, instance.

CORIN

Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their
fells, you know, are greasy.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is not
the grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of
a man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.

CORIN

Besides, our hands are hard.

TOUCHSTONE

Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.
A more sounder instance, come.

CORIN

And they are often tarred over with the surgery of
our sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? The
courtier's hands are perfumed with civet.

TOUCHSTONE

Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of a
good piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, and
perpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the
very uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.

CORIN

You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest.

TOUCHSTONE

Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man!
God make incision in thee! thou art raw.

CORIN

Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get
that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's
happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my
harm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes
graze and my lambs suck.

TOUCHSTONE

That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewes
and the rams together and to offer to get your
living by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to a
bell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of a
twelvemonth to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram,
out of all reasonable match. If thou beest not
damned for this, the devil himself will have no
shepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst
'scape.

CORIN

Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.

Enter ROSALIND, with a paper, reading

ROSALIND

From the east to western Ind,
No jewel is like Rosalind.
Her worth, being mounted on the wind,
Through all the world bears Rosalind.
All the pictures fairest lined
Are but black to Rosalind.
Let no fair be kept in mind
But the fair of Rosalind.

TOUCHSTONE

I'll rhyme you so eight years together, dinners and
suppers and sleeping-hours excepted: it is the
right butter-women's rank to market.

ROSALIND

Out, fool!

TOUCHSTONE

For a taste:
If a hart do lack a hind,
Let him seek out Rosalind.
If the cat will after kind,
So be sure will Rosalind.
Winter garments must be lined,
So must slender Rosalind.
They that reap must sheaf and bind;
Then to cart with Rosalind.
Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,
Such a nut is Rosalind.
He that sweetest rose will find
Must find love's prick and Rosalind.
This is the very false gallop of verses: why do you
infect yourself with them?

ROSALIND

Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, the tree yields bad fruit.

ROSALIND

I'll graff it with you, and then I shall graff it
with a medlar: then it will be the earliest fruit
i' the country; for you'll be rotten ere you be half
ripe, and that's the right virtue of the medlar.

TOUCHSTONE

You have said; but whether wisely or no, let the
forest judge.

Enter CELIA, with a writing

ROSALIND

Peace! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.

CELIA

[Reads]
Why should this a desert be?
For it is unpeopled? No:
Tongues I'll hang on every tree,
That shall civil sayings show:
Some, how brief the life of man
Runs his erring pilgrimage,
That the stretching of a span
Buckles in his sum of age;
Some, of violated vows
'Twixt the souls of friend and friend:
But upon the fairest boughs,
Or at every sentence end,
Will I Rosalinda write,
Teaching all that read to know
The quintessence of every sprite
Heaven would in little show.
Therefore Heaven Nature charged
That one body should be fill'd
With all graces wide-enlarged:
Nature presently distill'd
Helen's cheek, but not her heart,
Cleopatra's majesty,
Atalanta's better part,
Sad Lucretia's modesty.
Thus Rosalind of many parts
By heavenly synod was devised,
Of many faces, eyes and hearts,
To have the touches dearest prized.
Heaven would that she these gifts should have,
And I to live and die her slave.

ROSALIND

O most gentle pulpiter! what tedious homily of love
have you wearied your parishioners withal, and never
cried 'Have patience, good people!'

CELIA

How now! back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.
Go with him, sirrah.

TOUCHSTONE

Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable retreat;
though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage.

Exeunt CORIN and TOUCHSTONE

CELIA

Didst thou hear these verses?

ROSALIND

O, yes, I heard them all, and more too; for some of
them had in them more feet than the verses would bear.

CELIA

That's no matter: the feet might bear the verses.

ROSALIND

Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear
themselves without the verse and therefore stood
lamely in the verse.

CELIA

But didst thou hear without wondering how thy name
should be hanged and carved upon these trees?

ROSALIND

I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder
before you came; for look here what I found on a
palm-tree. I was never so be-rhymed since
Pythagoras' time, that I was an Irish rat, which I
can hardly remember.

CELIA

Trow you who hath done this?

ROSALIND

Is it a man?

CELIA

And a chain, that you once wore, about his neck.
Change you colour?

ROSALIND

I prithee, who?

CELIA

O Lord, Lord! it is a hard matter for friends to
meet; but mountains may be removed with earthquakes
and so encounter.

ROSALIND

Nay, but who is it?

CELIA

Is it possible?

ROSALIND

Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence,
tell me who it is.

CELIA

O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful
wonderful! and yet again wonderful, and after that,
out of all hooping!

ROSALIND

Good my complexion! dost thou think, though I am
caparisoned like a man, I have a doublet and hose in
my disposition? One inch of delay more is a
South-sea of discovery; I prithee, tell me who is it
quickly, and speak apace. I would thou couldst
stammer, that thou mightst pour this concealed man
out of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a narrow-
mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none at
all. I prithee, take the cork out of thy mouth that
may drink thy tidings.

CELIA

So you may put a man in your belly.

ROSALIND

Is he of God's making? What manner of man? Is his
head worth a hat, or his chin worth a beard?

CELIA

Nay, he hath but a little beard.

ROSALIND

Why, God will send more, if the man will be
thankful: let me stay the growth of his beard, if
thou delay me not the knowledge of his chin.

CELIA

It is young Orlando, that tripped up the wrestler's
heels and your heart both in an instant.

ROSALIND

Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow and
true maid.

CELIA

I' faith, coz, 'tis he.

ROSALIND

Orlando?

CELIA

Orlando.

ROSALIND

Alas the day! what shall I do with my doublet and
hose? What did he when thou sawest him? What said
he? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes
him here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he?
How parted he with thee? and when shalt thou see
him again? Answer me in one word.

CELIA

You must borrow me Gargantua's mouth first: 'tis a
word too great for any mouth of this age's size. To
say ay and no to these particulars is more than to
answer in a catechism.

ROSALIND

But doth he know that I am in this forest and in
man's apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did the
day he wrestled?

CELIA

It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve the
propositions of a lover; but take a taste of my
finding him, and relish it with good observance.
I found him under a tree, like a dropped acorn.

ROSALIND

It may well be called Jove's tree, when it drops
forth such fruit.

CELIA

Give me audience, good madam.

ROSALIND

Proceed.

CELIA

There lay he, stretched along, like a wounded knight.

ROSALIND

Though it be pity to see such a sight, it well
becomes the ground.

CELIA

Cry 'holla' to thy tongue, I prithee; it curvets
unseasonably. He was furnished like a hunter.

ROSALIND

O, ominous! he comes to kill my heart.

CELIA

I would sing my song without a burden: thou bringest
me out of tune.

ROSALIND

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must
speak. Sweet, say on.

CELIA

You bring me out. Soft! comes he not here?

Enter ORLANDO and JAQUES

ROSALIND

'Tis he: slink by, and note him.

JAQUES

I thank you for your company; but, good faith, I had
as lief have been myself alone.

ORLANDO

And so had I; but yet, for fashion sake, I thank you
too for your society.

JAQUES

God be wi' you: let's meet as little as we can.

ORLANDO

I do desire we may be better strangers.

JAQUES

I pray you, mar no more trees with writing
love-songs in their barks.

ORLANDO

I pray you, mar no more of my verses with reading
them ill-favouredly.

JAQUES

Rosalind is your love's name?

ORLANDO

Yes, just.

JAQUES

I do not like her name.

ORLANDO

There was no thought of pleasing you when she was
christened.

JAQUES

What stature is she of?

ORLANDO

Just as high as my heart.

JAQUES

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been
acquainted with goldsmiths' wives, and conned them
out of rings?

ORLANDO

Not so; but I answer you right painted cloth, from
whence you have studied your questions.

JAQUES

You have a nimble wit: I think 'twas made of
Atalanta's heels. Will you sit down with me? and
we two will rail against our mistress the world and
all our misery.

ORLANDO

I will chide no breather in the world but myself,
against whom I know most faults.

JAQUES

The worst fault you have is to be in love.

ORLANDO

'Tis a fault I will not change for your best virtue.
I am weary of you.

JAQUES

By my troth, I was seeking for a fool when I found
you.

ORLANDO

He is drowned in the brook: look but in, and you
shall see him.

JAQUES

There I shall see mine own figure.

ORLANDO

Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher.

JAQUES

I'll tarry no longer with you: farewell, good
Signior Love.

ORLANDO

I am glad of your departure: adieu, good Monsieur
Melancholy.

Exit JAQUES

ROSALIND

[Aside to CELIA] I will speak to him, like a saucy
lackey and under that habit play the knave with him.
Do you hear, forester?

ORLANDO

Very well: what would you?

ROSALIND

I pray you, what is't o'clock?

ORLANDO

You should ask me what time o' day: there's no clock
in the forest.

ROSALIND

Then there is no true lover in the forest; else
sighing every minute and groaning every hour would
detect the lazy foot of Time as well as a clock.

ORLANDO

And why not the swift foot of Time? had not that
been as proper?

ROSALIND

By no means, sir: Time travels in divers paces with
divers persons. I'll tell you who Time ambles
withal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallops
withal and who he stands still withal.

ORLANDO

I prithee, who doth he trot withal?

ROSALIND

Marry, he trots hard with a young maid between the
contract of her marriage and the day it is
solemnized: if the interim be but a se'nnight,
Time's pace is so hard that it seems the length of
seven year.

ORLANDO

Who ambles Time withal?

ROSALIND

With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that
hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because
he cannot study, and the other lives merrily because
he feels no pain, the one lacking the burden of lean
and wasteful learning, the other knowing no burden
of heavy tedious penury; these Time ambles withal.

ORLANDO

Who doth he gallop withal?

ROSALIND

With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as
softly as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.

ORLANDO

Who stays it still withal?

ROSALIND

With lawyers in the vacation, for they sleep between
term and term and then they perceive not how Time moves.

ORLANDO

Where dwell you, pretty youth?

ROSALIND

With this shepherdess, my sister; here in the
skirts of the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.

ORLANDO

Are you native of this place?

ROSALIND

As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled.

ORLANDO

Your accent is something finer than you could
purchase in so removed a dwelling.

ROSALIND

I have been told so of many: but indeed an old
religious uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was
in his youth an inland man; one that knew courtship
too well, for there he fell in love. I have heard
him read many lectures against it, and I thank God
I am not a woman, to be touched with so many
giddy offences as he hath generally taxed their
whole sex withal.

ORLANDO

Can you remember any of the principal evils that he
laid to the charge of women?

ROSALIND

There were none principal; they were all like one
another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming
monstrous till his fellow fault came to match it.

ORLANDO

I prithee, recount some of them.

ROSALIND

No, I will not cast away my physic but on those that
are sick. There is a man haunts the forest, that
abuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' on
their barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegies
on brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name of
Rosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I would
give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the
quotidian of love upon him.

ORLANDO

I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me
your remedy.

ROSALIND

There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: he
taught me how to know a man in love; in which cage
of rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.

ORLANDO

What were his marks?

ROSALIND

A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye and
sunken, which you have not, an unquestionable
spirit, which you have not, a beard neglected,
which you have not; but I pardon you for that, for
simply your having in beard is a younger brother's
revenue: then your hose should be ungartered, your
bonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoe
untied and every thing about you demonstrating a
careless desolation; but you are no such man; you
are rather point-device in your accoutrements as
loving yourself than seeming the lover of any other.

ORLANDO

Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.

ROSALIND

Me believe it! you may as soon make her that you
love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to
do than to confess she does: that is one of the
points in the which women still give the lie to
their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he
that hangs the verses on the trees, wherein Rosalind
is so admired?

ORLANDO

I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of
Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.

ROSALIND

But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?

ORLANDO

Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.

ROSALIND

Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deserves
as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: and
the reason why they are not so punished and cured
is, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers
are in love too. Yet I profess curing it by counsel.

ORLANDO

Did you ever cure any so?

ROSALIND

Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine me
his love, his mistress; and I set him every day to
woo me: at which time would I, being but a moonish
youth, grieve, be effeminate, changeable, longing
and liking, proud, fantastical, apish, shallow,
inconstant, full of tears, full of smiles, for every
passion something and for no passion truly any
thing, as boys and women are for the most part
cattle of this colour; would now like him, now loathe
him; then entertain him, then forswear him; now weep
for him, then spit at him; that I drave my suitor
from his mad humour of love to a living humour of
madness; which was, to forswear the full stream of
the world, and to live in a nook merely monastic.
And thus I cured him; and this way will I take upon
me to wash your liver as clean as a sound sheep's
heart, that there shall not be one spot of love in't.

ORLANDO

I would not be cured, youth.

ROSALIND

I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalind
and come every day to my cote and woo me.

ORLANDO

Now, by the faith of my love, I will: tell me
where it is.

ROSALIND

Go with me to it and I'll show it you and by the way
you shall tell me where in the forest you live.
Will you go?

ORLANDO

With all my heart, good youth.

ROSALIND

Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will you go?

Exeunt

SCENE III. The forest.

Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY; JAQUES behind

TOUCHSTONE

Come apace, good Audrey: I will fetch up your
goats, Audrey. And how, Audrey? am I the man yet?
doth my simple feature content you?

AUDREY

Your features! Lord warrant us! what features!

TOUCHSTONE

I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most
capricious poet, honest Ovid, was among the Goths.

JAQUES

[Aside] O knowledge ill-inhabited, worse than Jove
in a thatched house!

TOUCHSTONE

When a man's verses cannot be understood, nor a
man's good wit seconded with the forward child
Understanding, it strikes a man more dead than a
great reckoning in a little room. Truly, I would
the gods had made thee poetical.

AUDREY

I do not know what 'poetical' is: is it honest in
deed and word? is it a true thing?

TOUCHSTONE

No, truly; for the truest poetry is the most
feigning; and lovers are given to poetry, and what
they swear in poetry may be said as lovers they do feign.

AUDREY

Do you wish then that the gods had made me poetical?

TOUCHSTONE

I do, truly; for thou swearest to me thou art
honest: now, if thou wert a poet, I might have some
hope thou didst feign.

AUDREY

Would you not have me honest?

TOUCHSTONE

No, truly, unless thou wert hard-favoured; for
honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar.

JAQUES

[Aside] A material fool!

AUDREY

Well, I am not fair; and therefore I pray the gods
make me honest.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut
were to put good meat into an unclean dish.

AUDREY

I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.

TOUCHSTONE

Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness!
sluttishness may come hereafter. But be it as it may
be, I will marry thee, and to that end I have been
with Sir Oliver Martext, the vicar of the next
village, who hath promised to meet me in this place
of the forest and to couple us.

JAQUES

[Aside] I would fain see this meeting.

AUDREY

Well, the gods give us joy!

TOUCHSTONE

Amen. A man may, if he were of a fearful heart,
stagger in this attempt; for here we have no temple
but the wood, no assembly but horn-beasts. But what
though? C ourage! As horns are odious, they are
necessary. It is said, 'many a man knows no end of
his goods:' right; many a man has good horns, and
knows no end of them. Well, that is the dowry of
his wife; 'tis none of his own getting. Horns?
Even so. Poor men alone? No, no; the noblest deer
hath them as huge as the rascal. Is the single man
therefore blessed? No: as a walled town is more
worthier than a village, so is the forehead of a
married man more honourable than the bare brow of a
bachelor; and by how much defence is better than no
skill, by so much is a horn more precious than to
want. Here comes Sir Oliver.

Enter SIR OLIVER MARTEXT
Sir Oliver Martext, you are well met: will you
dispatch us here under this tree, or shall we go
with you to your chapel?

SIR OLIVER MARTEXT

Is there none here to give the woman?

TOUCHSTONE

I will not take her on gift of any man.

SIR OLIVER MARTEXT

Truly, she must be given, or the marriage is not lawful.

JAQUES

[Advancing]
Proceed, proceed I'll give her.

TOUCHSTONE

Good even, good Master What-ye-call't: how do you,
sir? You are very well met: God 'ild you for your
last company: I am very glad to see you: even a
toy in hand here, sir: nay, pray be covered.

JAQUES

Will you be married, motley?

TOUCHSTONE

As the ox hath his bow, sir, the horse his curb and
the falcon her bells, so man hath his desires; and
as pigeons bill, so wedlock would be nibbling.

JAQUES

And will you, being a man of your breeding, be
married under a bush like a beggar? Get you to
church, and have a good priest that can tell you
what marriage is: this fellow will but join you
together as they join wainscot; then one of you will
prove a shrunk panel and, like green timber, warp, warp.

TOUCHSTONE

[Aside] I am not in the mind but I were better to be
married of him than of another: for he is not like
to marry me well; and not being well married, it
will be a good excuse for me hereafter to leave my wife.

JAQUES

Go thou with me, and let me counsel thee.

TOUCHSTONE

'Come, sweet Audrey:
We must be married, or we must live in bawdry.
Farewell, good Master Oliver: not,--
O sweet Oliver,
O brave Oliver,
Leave me not behind thee: but,--
Wind away,
Begone, I say,
I will not to wedding with thee.

Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY

SIR OLIVER MARTEXT

'Tis no matter: ne'er a fantastical knave of them
all shall flout me out of my calling.

Exit

SCENE IV. The forest.

Enter ROSALIND and CELIA

ROSALIND

Never talk to me; I will weep.

CELIA

Do, I prithee; but yet have the grace to consider
that tears do not become a man.

ROSALIND

But have I not cause to weep?

CELIA

As good cause as one would desire; therefore weep.

ROSALIND

His very hair is of the dissembling colour.

CELIA

Something browner than Judas's marry, his kisses are
Judas's own children.

ROSALIND

I' faith, his hair is of a good colour.

CELIA

An excellent colour: your chestnut was ever the only colour.

ROSALIND

And his kissing is as full of sanctity as the touch
of holy bread.

CELIA

He hath bought a pair of cast lips of Diana: a nun
of winter's sisterhood kisses not more religiously;
the very ice of chastity is in them.

ROSALIND

But why did he swear he would come this morning, and
comes not?

CELIA

Nay, certainly, there is no truth in him.

ROSALIND

Do you think so?

CELIA

Yes; I think he is not a pick-purse nor a
horse-stealer, but for his verity in love, I do
think him as concave as a covered goblet or a
worm-eaten nut.

ROSALIND

Not true in love?

CELIA

Yes, when he is in; but I think he is not in.

ROSALIND

You have heard him swear downright he was.

CELIA

'Was' is not 'is:' besides, the oath of a lover is
no stronger than the word of a tapster; they are
both the confirmer of false reckonings. He attends
here in the forest on the duke your father.

ROSALIND

I met the duke yesterday and had much question with
him: he asked me of what parentage I was; I told
him, of as good as he; so he laughed and let me go.
But what talk we of fathers, when there is such a
man as Orlando?

CELIA

O, that's a brave man! he writes brave verses,
speaks brave words, swears brave oaths and breaks
them bravely, quite traverse, athwart the heart of
his lover; as a puisny tilter, that spurs his horse
but on one side, breaks his staff like a noble
goose: but all's brave that youth mounts and folly
guides. Who comes here?

Enter CORIN

CORIN

Mistress and master, you have oft inquired
After the shepherd that complain'd of love,
Who you saw sitting by me on the turf,
Praising the proud disdainful shepherdess
That was his mistress.

CELIA

Well, and what of him?

CORIN

If you will see a pageant truly play'd,
Between the pale complexion of true love
And the red glow of scorn and proud disdain,
Go hence a little and I shall conduct you,
If you will mark it.

ROSALIND

O, come, let us remove:
The sight of lovers feedeth those in love.
Bring us to this sight, and you shall say
I'll prove a busy actor in their play.

Exeunt

SCENE V. Another part of the forest.

Enter SILVIUS and PHEBE

SILVIUS

Sweet Phebe, do not scorn me; do not, Phebe;
Say that you love me not, but say not so
In bitterness. The common executioner,
Whose heart the accustom'd sight of death makes hard,
Falls not the axe upon the humbled neck
But first begs pardon: will you sterner be
Than he that dies and lives by bloody drops?

Enter ROSALIND, CELIA, and CORIN, behind

PHEBE

I would not be thy executioner:
I fly thee, for I would not injure thee.
Thou tell'st me there is murder in mine eye:
'Tis pretty, sure, and very probable,
That eyes, that are the frail'st and softest things,
Who shut their coward gates on atomies,
Should be call'd tyrants, butchers, murderers!
Now I do frown on thee with all my heart;
And if mine eyes can wound, now let them kill thee:
Now counterfeit to swoon; why now fall down;
Or if thou canst not, O, for shame, for shame,
Lie not, to say mine eyes are murderers!
Now show the wound mine eye hath made in thee:
Scratch thee but with a pin, and there remains
Some scar of it; lean but upon a rush,
The cicatrice and capable impressure
Thy palm some moment keeps; but now mine eyes,
Which I have darted at thee, hurt thee not,
Nor, I am sure, there is no force in eyes
That can do hurt.

SILVIUS

O dear Phebe,
If ever,--as that ever may be near,--
You meet in some fresh cheek the power of fancy,
Then shall you know the wounds invisible
That love's keen arrows make.

PHEBE

But till that time
Come not thou near me: and when that time comes,
Afflict me with thy mocks, pity me not;
As till that time I shall not pity thee.

ROSALIND

And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother,
That you insult, exult, and all at once,
Over the wretched? What though you have no beauty,--
As, by my faith, I see no more in you
Than without candle may go dark to bed--
Must you be therefore proud and pitiless?
Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?
I see no more in you than in the ordinary
Of nature's sale-work. 'Od's my little life,
I think she means to tangle my eyes too!
No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it:
'Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair,
Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream,
That can entame my spirits to your worship.
You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,
Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?
You are a thousand times a properer man
Than she a woman: 'tis such fools as you
That makes the world full of ill-favour'd children:
'Tis not her glass, but you, that flatters her;
And out of you she sees herself more proper
Than any of her lineaments can show her.
But, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees,
And thank heaven, fasting, for a good man's love:
For I must tell you friendly in your ear,
Sell when you can: you are not for all markets:
Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer:
Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.
So take her to thee, shepherd: fare you well.

PHEBE

Sweet youth, I pray you, chide a year together:
I had rather hear you chide than this man woo.

ROSALIND

He's fallen in love with your foulness and she'll
fall in love with my anger. If it be so, as fast as
she answers thee with frowning looks, I'll sauce her
with bitter words. Why look you so upon me?

PHEBE

For no ill will I bear you.

ROSALIND

I pray you, do not fall in love with me,
For I am falser than vows made in wine:
Besides, I like you not. If you will know my house,
'Tis at the tuft of olives here hard by.
Will you go, sister? Shepherd, ply her hard.
Come, sister. Shepherdess, look on him better,
And be not proud: though all the world could see,
None could be so abused in sight as he.
Come, to our flock.

Exeunt ROSALIND, CELIA and CORIN

PHEBE

Dead Shepherd, now I find thy saw of might,
'Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?'

SILVIUS

Sweet Phebe,--

PHEBE

Ha, what say'st thou, Silvius?

SILVIUS

Sweet Phebe, pity me.

PHEBE

Why, I am sorry for thee, gentle Silvius.

SILVIUS

Wherever sorrow is, relief would be:
If you do sorrow at my grief in love,
By giving love your sorrow and my grief
Were both extermined.

PHEBE

Thou hast my love: is not that neighbourly?

SILVIUS

I would have you.

PHEBE

Why, that were covetousness.
Silvius, the time was that I hated thee,
And yet it is not that I bear thee love;
But since that thou canst talk of love so well,
Thy company, which erst was irksome to me,
I will endure, and I'll employ thee too:
But do not look for further recompense
Than thine own gladness that thou art employ'd.

SILVIUS

So holy and so perfect is my love,
And I in such a poverty of grace,
That I shall think it a most plenteous crop
To glean the broken ears after the man
That the main harvest reaps: loose now and then
A scatter'd smile, and that I'll live upon.

PHEBE

Know'st now the youth that spoke to me erewhile?

SILVIUS

Not very well, but I have met him oft;
And he hath bought the cottage and the bounds
That the old carlot once was master of.

PHEBE

Think not I love him, though I ask for him:
'Tis but a peevish boy; yet he talks well;
But what care I for words? yet words do well
When he that speaks them pleases those that hear.
It is a pretty youth: not very pretty:
But, sure, he's proud, and yet his pride becomes him:
He'll make a proper man: the best thing in him
Is his complexion; and faster than his tongue
Did make offence his eye did heal it up.
He is not very tall; yet for his years he's tall:
His leg is but so so; and yet 'tis well:
There was a pretty redness in his lip,
A little riper and more lusty red
Than that mix'd in his cheek; 'twas just the difference
Between the constant red and mingled damask.
There be some women, Silvius, had they mark'd him
In parcels as I did, would have gone near
To fall in love with him; but, for my part,
I love him not nor hate him not; and yet
I have more cause to hate him than to love him:
For what had he to do to chide at me?
He said mine eyes were black and my hair black:
And, now I am remember'd, scorn'd at me:
I marvel why I answer'd not again:
But that's all one; omittance is no quittance.
I'll write to him a very taunting letter,
And thou shalt bear it: wilt thou, Silvius?

SILVIUS

Phebe, with all my heart.

PHEBE

I'll write it straight;
The matter's in my head and in my heart:
I will be bitter with him and passing short.
Go with me, Silvius.

Exeunt

ACT IV
SCENE I. The forest.

Enter ROSALIND, CELIA, and JAQUES

JAQUES

I prithee, pretty youth, let me be better acquainted
with thee.

ROSALIND

They say you are a melancholy fellow.

JAQUES

I am so; I do love it better than laughing.

ROSALIND

Those that are in extremity of either are abominable
fellows and betray themselves to every modern
censure worse than drunkards.

JAQUES

Why, 'tis good to be sad and say nothing.

ROSALIND

Why then, 'tis good to be a post.

JAQUES

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is
emulation, nor the musician's, which is fantastical,
nor the courtier's, which is proud, nor the
soldier's, which is ambitious, nor the lawyer's,
which is politic, nor the lady's, which is nice, nor
the lover's, which is all these: but it is a
melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples,
extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry's
contemplation of my travels, in which my often
rumination wraps me m a most humorous sadness.

ROSALIND

A traveller! By my faith, you have great reason to
be sad: I fear you have sold your own lands to see
other men's; then, to have seen much and to have
nothing, is to have rich eyes and poor hands.

JAQUES

Yes, I have gained my experience.

ROSALIND

And your experience makes you sad: I had rather have
a fool to make me merry than experience to make me
sad; and to travel for it too!

Enter ORLANDO

ORLANDO

Good day and happiness, dear Rosalind!

JAQUES

Nay, then, God be wi' you, an you talk in blank verse.

Exit

ROSALIND

Farewell, Monsieur Traveller: look you lisp and
wear strange suits, disable all the benefits of your
own country, be out of love with your nativity and
almost chide God for making you that countenance you
are, or I will scarce think you have swam in a
gondola. Why, how now, Orlando! where have you been
all this while? You a lover! An you serve me such
another trick, never come in my sight more.

ORLANDO

My fair Rosalind, I come within an hour of my promise.

ROSALIND

Break an hour's promise in love! He that will
divide a minute into a thousand parts and break but
a part of the thousandth part of a minute in the
affairs of love, it may be said of him that Cupid
hath clapped him o' the shoulder, but I'll warrant
him heart-whole.

ORLANDO

Pardon me, dear Rosalind.

ROSALIND

Nay, an you be so tardy, come no more in my sight: I
had as lief be wooed of a snail.

ORLANDO

Of a snail?

ROSALIND

Ay, of a snail; for though he comes slowly, he
carries his house on his head; a better jointure,
I think, than you make a woman: besides he brings
his destiny with him.

ORLANDO

What's that?

ROSALIND

Why, horns, which such as you are fain to be
beholding to your wives for: but he comes armed in
his fortune and prevents the slander of his wife.

ORLANDO

Virtue is no horn-maker; and my Rosalind is virtuous.

ROSALIND

And I am your Rosalind.

CELIA

It pleases him to call you so; but he hath a
Rosalind of a better leer than you.

ROSALIND

Come, woo me, woo me, for now I am in a holiday
humour and like enough to consent. What would you
say to me now, an I were your very very Rosalind?

ORLANDO

I would kiss before I spoke.

ROSALIND

Nay, you were better speak first, and when you were
gravelled for lack of matter, you might take
occasion to kiss. Very good orators, when they are
out, they will spit; and for lovers lacking--God
warn us!--matter, the cleanliest shift is to kiss.

ORLANDO

How if the kiss be denied?

ROSALIND

Then she puts you to entreaty, and there begins new matter.

ORLANDO

Who could be out, being before his beloved mistress?

ROSALIND

Marry, that should you, if I were your mistress, or
I should think my honesty ranker than my wit.

ORLANDO

What, of my suit?

ROSALIND

Not out of your apparel, and yet out of your suit.
Am not I your Rosalind?

ORLANDO

I take some joy to say you are, because I would be
talking of her.

ROSALIND

Well in her person I say I will not have you.

ORLANDO

Then in mine own person I die.

ROSALIND

No, faith, die by attorney. The poor world is
almost six thousand years old, and in all this time
there was not any man died in his own person,
videlicit, in a love-cause. Troilus had his brains
dashed out with a Grecian club; yet he did what he
could to die before, and he is one of the patterns
of love. Leander, he would have lived many a fair
year, though Hero had turned nun, if it had not been
for a hot midsummer night; for, good youth, he went
but forth to wash him in the Hellespont and being
taken with the cramp was drowned and the foolish
coroners of that age found it was 'Hero of Sestos.'
But these are all lies: men have died from time to
time and worms have eaten them, but not for love.

ORLANDO

I would not have my right Rosalind of this mind,
for, I protest, her frown might kill me.

ROSALIND

By this hand, it will not kill a fly. But come, now
I will be your Rosalind in a more coming-on
disposition, and ask me what you will. I will grant
it.

ORLANDO

Then love me, Rosalind.

ROSALIND

Yes, faith, will I, Fridays and Saturdays and all.

ORLANDO

And wilt thou have me?

ROSALIND

Ay, and twenty such.

ORLANDO

What sayest thou?

ROSALIND

Are you not good?

ORLANDO

I hope so.

ROSALIND

Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?
Come, sister, you shall be the priest and marry us.
Give me your hand, Orlando. What do you say, sister?

ORLANDO

Pray thee, marry us.

CELIA

I cannot say the words.

ROSALIND

You must begin, 'Will you, Orlando--'

CELIA

Go to. Will you, Orlando, have to wife this Rosalind?

ORLANDO

I will.

ROSALIND

Ay, but when?

ORLANDO

Why now; as fast as she can marry us.

ROSALIND

Then you must say 'I take thee, Rosalind, for wife.'

ORLANDO

I take thee, Rosalind, for wife.

ROSALIND

I might ask you for your commission; but I do take
thee, Orlando, for my husband: there's a girl goes
before the priest; and certainly a woman's thought
runs before her actions.

ORLANDO

So do all thoughts; they are winged.

ROSALIND

Now tell me how long you would have her after you
have possessed her.

ORLANDO

For ever and a day.

ROSALIND

Say 'a day,' without the 'ever.' No, no, Orlando;
men are April when they woo, December when they wed:
maids are May when they are maids, but the sky
changes when they are wives. I will be more jealous
of thee than a Barbary cock-pigeon over his hen,
more clamorous than a parrot against rain, more
new-fangled than an ape, more giddy in my desires
than a monkey: I will weep for nothing, like Diana
in the fountain, and I will do that when you are
disposed to be merry; I will laugh like a hyen, and
that when thou art inclined to sleep.

ORLANDO

But will my Rosalind do so?

ROSALIND

By my life, she will do as I do.

ORLANDO

O, but she is wise.

ROSALIND

Or else she could not have the wit to do this: the
wiser, the waywarder: make the doors upon a woman's
wit and it will out at the casement; shut that and
'twill out at the key-hole; stop that, 'twill fly
with the smoke out at the chimney.

ORLANDO

A man that had a wife with such a wit, he might say
'Wit, whither wilt?'

ROSALIND

Nay, you might keep that cheque for it till you met
your wife's wit going to your neighbour's bed.

ORLANDO

And what wit could wit have to excuse that?

ROSALIND

Marry, to say she came to seek you there. You shall
never take her without her answer, unless you take
her without her tongue. O, that woman that cannot
make her fault her husband's occasion, let her
never nurse her child herself, for she will breed
it like a fool!

ORLANDO

For these two hours, Rosalind, I will leave thee.

ROSALIND

Alas! dear love, I cannot lack thee two hours.

ORLANDO

I must attend the duke at dinner: by two o'clock I
will be with thee again.

ROSALIND

Ay, go your ways, go your ways; I knew what you
would prove: my friends told me as much, and I
thought no less: that flattering tongue of yours
won me: 'tis but one cast away, and so, come,
death! Two o'clock is your hour?

ORLANDO

Ay, sweet Rosalind.

ROSALIND

By my troth, and in good earnest, and so God mend
me, and by all pretty oaths that are not dangerous,
if you break one jot of your promise or come one
minute behind your hour, I will think you the most
pathetical break-promise and the most hollow lover
and the most unworthy of her you call Rosalind that
may be chosen out of the gross band of the
unfaithful: therefore beware my censure and keep
your promise.

ORLANDO

With no less religion than if thou wert indeed my
Rosalind: so adieu.

ROSALIND

Well, Time is the old justice that examines all such
offenders, and let Time try: adieu.

Exit ORLANDO

CELIA

You have simply misused our sex in your love-prate:
we must have your doublet and hose plucked over your
head, and show the world what the bird hath done to
her own nest.

ROSALIND

O coz, coz, coz, my pretty little coz, that thou
didst know how many fathom deep I am in love! But
it cannot be sounded: my affection hath an unknown
bottom, like the bay of Portugal.

CELIA

Or rather, bottomless, that as fast as you pour
affection in, it runs out.

ROSALIND

No, that same wicked bastard of Venus that was begot
of thought, conceived of spleen and born of madness,
that blind rascally boy that abuses every one's eyes
because his own are out, let him be judge how deep I
am in love. I'll tell thee, Aliena, I cannot be out
of the sight of Orlando: I'll go find a shadow and
sigh till he come.

CELIA

And I'll sleep.

Exeunt

SCENE II. The forest.

Enter JAQUES, Lords, and Foresters

JAQUES

Which is he that killed the deer?

A Lord

Sir, it was I.

JAQUES

Let's present him to the duke, like a Roman
conqueror; and it would do well to set the deer's
horns upon his head, for a branch of victory. Have
you no song, forester, for this purpose?

Forester

Yes, sir.

JAQUES

Sing it: 'tis no matter how it be in tune, so it
make noise enough.
SONG.

Forester

What shall he have that kill'd the deer?
His leather skin and horns to wear.
Then sing him home;

The rest shall bear this burden
Take thou no scorn to wear the horn;
It was a crest ere thou wast born:
Thy father's father wore it,
And thy father bore it:
The horn, the horn, the lusty horn
Is not a thing to laugh to scorn.

Exeunt

SCENE III. The forest.

Enter ROSALIND and CELIA

ROSALIND

How say you now? Is it not past two o'clock? and
here much Orlando!

CELIA

I warrant you, with pure love and troubled brain, he
hath ta'en his bow and arrows and is gone forth to
sleep. Look, who comes here.

Enter SILVIUS

SILVIUS

My errand is to you, fair youth;
My gentle Phebe bid me give you this:
I know not the contents; but, as I guess
By the stern brow and waspish action
Which she did use as she was writing of it,
It bears an angry tenor: pardon me:
I am but as a guiltless messenger.

ROSALIND

Patience herself would startle at this letter
And play the swaggerer; bear this, bear all:
She says I am not fair, that I lack manners;
She calls me proud, and that she could not love me,
Were man as rare as phoenix. 'Od's my will!
Her love is not the hare that I do hunt:
Why writes she so to me? Well, shepherd, well,
This is a letter of your own device.

SILVIUS

No, I protest, I know not the contents:
Phebe did write it.

ROSALIND

Come, come, you are a fool
And turn'd into the extremity of love.
I saw her hand: she has a leathern hand.
A freestone-colour'd hand; I verily did think
That her old gloves were on, but 'twas her hands:
She has a huswife's hand; but that's no matter:
I say she never did invent this letter;
This is a man's invention and his hand.

SILVIUS

Sure, it is hers.

ROSALIND

Why, 'tis a boisterous and a cruel style.
A style for-challengers; why, she defies me,
Like Turk to Christian: women's gentle brain
Could not drop forth such giant-rude invention
Such Ethiope words, blacker in their effect
Than in their countenance. Will you hear the letter?

SILVIUS

So please you, for I never heard it yet;
Yet heard too much of Phebe's cruelty.

ROSALIND

She Phebes me: mark how the tyrant writes.

Reads
Art thou god to shepherd turn'd,
That a maiden's heart hath burn'd?
Can a woman rail thus?

SILVIUS

Call you this railing?

ROSALIND

[Reads]
Why, thy godhead laid apart,
Warr'st thou with a woman's heart?
Did you ever hear such railing?
Whiles the eye of man did woo me,
That could do no vengeance to me.
Meaning me a beast.
If the scorn of your bright eyne
Have power to raise such love in mine,
Alack, in me what strange effect
Would they work in mild aspect!
Whiles you chid me, I did love;
How then might your prayers move!
He that brings this love to thee
Little knows this love in me:
And by him seal up thy mind;
Whether that thy youth and kind
Will the faithful offer take
Of me and all that I can make;
Or else by him my love deny,
And then I'll study how to die.

SILVIUS

Call you this chiding?

CELIA

Alas, poor shepherd!

ROSALIND

Do you pity him? no, he deserves no pity. Wilt
thou love such a woman? What, to make thee an
instrument and play false strains upon thee! not to
be endured! Well, go your way to her, for I see
love hath made thee a tame snake, and say this to
her: that if she love me, I charge her to love
thee; if she will not, I will never have her unless
thou entreat for her. If you be a true lover,
hence, and not a word; for here comes more company.

Exit SILVIUS

Enter OLIVER

OLIVER

Good morrow, fair ones: pray you, if you know,
Where in the purlieus of this forest stands
A sheep-cote fenced about with olive trees?

CELIA

West of this place, down in the neighbour bottom:
The rank of osiers by the murmuring stream
Left on your right hand brings you to the place.
But at this hour the house doth keep itself;
There's none within.

OLIVER

If that an eye may profit by a tongue,
Then should I know you by description;
Such garments and such years: 'The boy is fair,
Of female favour, and bestows himself
Like a ripe sister: the woman low
And browner than her brother.' Are not you
The owner of the house I did inquire for?

CELIA

It is no boast, being ask'd, to say we are.

OLIVER

Orlando doth commend him to you both,
And to that youth he calls his Rosalind
He sends this bloody napkin. Are you he?

ROSALIND

I am: what must we understand by this?

OLIVER

Some of my shame; if you will know of me
What man I am, and how, and why, and where
This handkercher was stain'd.

CELIA

I pray you, tell it.

OLIVER

When last the young Orlando parted from you
He left a promise to return again
Within an hour, and pacing through the forest,
Chewing the food of sweet and bitter fancy,
Lo, what befell! he threw his eye aside,
And mark what object did present itself:
Under an oak, whose boughs were moss'd with age
And high top bald with dry antiquity,
A wretched ragged man, o'ergrown with hair,
Lay sleeping on his back: about his neck
A green and gilded snake had wreathed itself,
Who with her head nimble in threats approach'd
The opening of his mouth; but suddenly,
Seeing Orlando, it unlink'd itself,
And with indented glides did slip away
Into a bush: under which bush's shade
A lioness, with udders all drawn dry,
Lay couching, head on ground, with catlike watch,
When that the sleeping man should stir; for 'tis
The royal disposition of that beast
To prey on nothing that doth seem as dead:
This seen, Orlando did approach the man
And found it was his brother, his elder brother.

CELIA

O, I have heard him speak of that same brother;
And he did render him the most unnatural
That lived amongst men.

OLIVER

And well he might so do,
For well I know he was unnatural.

ROSALIND

But, to Orlando: did he leave him there,
Food to the suck'd and hungry lioness?

OLIVER

Twice did he turn his back and purposed so;
But kindness, nobler ever than revenge,
And nature, stronger than his just occasion,
Made him give battle to the lioness,
Who quickly fell before him: in which hurtling
From miserable slumber I awaked.

CELIA

Are you his brother?

ROSALIND

Wast you he rescued?

CELIA

Was't you that did so oft contrive to kill him?

OLIVER

'Twas I; but 'tis not I I do not shame
To tell you what I was, since my conversion
So sweetly tastes, being the thing I am.

ROSALIND

But, for the bloody napkin?

OLIVER

By and by.
When from the first to last betwixt us two
Tears our recountments had most kindly bathed,
As how I came into that desert place:--
In brief, he led me to the gentle duke,
Who gave me fresh array and entertainment,
Committing me unto my brother's love;
Who led me instantly unto his cave,
There stripp'd himself, and here upon his arm
The lioness had torn some flesh away,
Which all this while had bled; and now he fainted
And cried, in fainting, upon Rosalind.
Brief, I recover'd him, bound up his wound;
And, after some small space, being strong at heart,
He sent me hither, stranger as I am,
To tell this story, that you might excuse
His broken promise, and to give this napkin
Dyed in his blood unto the shepherd youth
That he in sport doth call his Rosalind.

ROSALIND swoons

CELIA

Why, how now, Ganymede! sweet Ganymede!

OLIVER

Many will swoon when they do look on blood.

CELIA

There is more in it. Cousin Ganymede!

OLIVER

Look, he recovers.

ROSALIND

I would I were at home.

CELIA

We'll lead you thither.
I pray you, will you take him by the arm?

OLIVER

Be of good cheer, youth: you a man! you lack a
man's heart.

ROSALIND

I do so, I confess it. Ah, sirrah, a body would
think this was well counterfeited! I pray you, tell
your brother how well I counterfeited. Heigh-ho!

OLIVER

This was not counterfeit: there is too great
testimony in your complexion that it was a passion
of earnest.

ROSALIND

Counterfeit, I assure you.

OLIVER

Well then, take a good heart and counterfeit to be a man.

ROSALIND

So I do: but, i' faith, I should have been a woman by right.

CELIA

Come, you look paler and paler: pray you, draw
homewards. Good sir, go with us.

OLIVER

That will I, for I must bear answer back
How you excuse my brother, Rosalind.

ROSALIND

I shall devise something: but, I pray you, commend
my counterfeiting to him. Will you go?

Exeunt

ACT V
SCENE I. The forest.

Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY

TOUCHSTONE

We shall find a time, Audrey; patience, gentle Audrey.

AUDREY

Faith, the priest was good enough, for all the old
gentleman's saying.

TOUCHSTONE

A most wicked Sir Oliver, Audrey, a most vile
Martext. But, Audrey, there is a youth here in the
forest lays claim to you.

AUDREY

Ay, I know who 'tis; he hath no interest in me in
the world: here comes the man you mean.

TOUCHSTONE

It is meat and drink to me to see a clown: by my
troth, we that have good wits have much to answer
for; we shall be flouting; we cannot hold.

Enter WILLIAM

WILLIAM

Good even, Audrey.

AUDREY

God ye good even, William.

WILLIAM

And good even to you, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

Good even, gentle friend. Cover thy head, cover thy
head; nay, prithee, be covered. How old are you, friend?

WILLIAM

Five and twenty, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

A ripe age. Is thy name William?

WILLIAM

William, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

A fair name. Wast born i' the forest here?

WILLIAM

Ay, sir, I thank God.

TOUCHSTONE

'Thank God;' a good answer. Art rich?

WILLIAM

Faith, sir, so so.

TOUCHSTONE

'So so' is good, very good, very excellent good; and
yet it is not; it is but so so. Art thou wise?

WILLIAM

Ay, sir, I have a pretty wit.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, thou sayest well. I do now remember a saying,
'The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man
knows himself to be a fool.' The heathen
philosopher, when he had a desire to eat a grape,
would open his lips when he put it into his mouth;
meaning thereby that grapes were made to eat and
lips to open. You do love this maid?

WILLIAM

I do, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

Give me your hand. Art thou learned?

WILLIAM

No, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

Then learn this of me: to have, is to have; for it
is a figure in rhetoric that drink, being poured out
of a cup into a glass, by filling the one doth empty
the other; for all your writers do consent that ipse
is he: now, you are not ipse, for I am he.

WILLIAM

Which he, sir?

TOUCHSTONE

He, sir, that must marry this woman. Therefore, you
clown, abandon,--which is in the vulgar leave,--the
society,--which in the boorish is company,--of this
female,--which in the common is woman; which
together is, abandon the society of this female, or,
clown, thou perishest; or, to thy better
understanding, diest; or, to wit I kill thee, make
thee away, translate thy life into death, thy
liberty into bondage: I will deal in poison with
thee, or in bastinado, or in steel; I will bandy
with thee in faction; I will o'errun thee with
policy; I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways:
therefore tremble and depart.

AUDREY

Do, good William.

WILLIAM

God rest you merry, sir.

Exit

Enter CORIN

CORIN

Our master and mistress seeks you; come, away, away!

TOUCHSTONE

Trip, Audrey! trip, Audrey! I attend, I attend.

Exeunt

SCENE II. The forest.

Enter ORLANDO and OLIVER

ORLANDO

Is't possible that on so little acquaintance you
should like her? that but seeing you should love
her? and loving woo? and, wooing, she should
grant? and will you persever to enjoy her?

OLIVER

Neither call the giddiness of it in question, the
poverty of her, the small acquaintance, my sudden
wooing, nor her sudden consenting; but say with me,
I love Aliena; say with her that she loves me;
consent with both that we may enjoy each other: it
shall be to your good; for my father's house and all
the revenue that was old Sir Rowland's will I
estate upon you, and here live and die a shepherd.

ORLANDO

You have my consent. Let your wedding be to-morrow:
thither will I invite the duke and all's contented
followers. Go you and prepare Aliena; for look
you, here comes my Rosalind.

Enter ROSALIND

ROSALIND

God save you, brother.

OLIVER

And you, fair sister.

Exit

ROSALIND

O, my dear Orlando, how it grieves me to see thee
wear thy heart in a scarf!

ORLANDO

It is my arm.

ROSALIND

I thought thy heart had been wounded with the claws
of a lion.

ORLANDO

Wounded it is, but with the eyes of a lady.

ROSALIND

Did your brother tell you how I counterfeited to
swoon when he showed me your handkerchief?

ORLANDO

Ay, and greater wonders than that.

ROSALIND

O, I know where you are: nay, 'tis true: there was
never any thing so sudden but the fight of two rams
and Caesar's thrasonical brag of 'I came, saw, and
overcame:' for your brother and my sister no sooner
met but they looked, no sooner looked but they
loved, no sooner loved but they sighed, no sooner
sighed but they asked one another the reason, no
sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy;
and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs
to marriage which they will climb incontinent, or
else be incontinent before marriage: they are in
the very wrath of love and they will together; clubs
cannot part them.

ORLANDO

They shall be married to-morrow, and I will bid the
duke to the nuptial. But, O, how bitter a thing it
is to look into happiness through another man's
eyes! By so much the more shall I to-morrow be at
the height of heart-heaviness, by how much I shall
think my brother happy in having what he wishes for.

ROSALIND

Why then, to-morrow I cannot serve your turn for Rosalind?

ORLANDO

I can live no longer by thinking.

ROSALIND

I will weary you then no longer with idle talking.
Know of me then, for now I speak to some purpose,
that I know you are a gentleman of good conceit: I
speak not this that you should bear a good opinion
of my knowledge, insomuch I say I know you are;
neither do I labour for a greater esteem than may in
some little measure draw a belief from you, to do
yourself good and not to grace me. Believe then, if
you please, that I can do strange things: I have,
since I was three year old, conversed with a
magician, most profound in his art and yet not
damnable. If you do love Rosalind so near the heart
as your gesture cries it out, when your brother
marries Aliena, shall you marry her: I know into
what straits of fortune she is driven; and it is
not impossible to me, if it appear not inconvenient
to you, to set her before your eyes tomorrow human
as she is and without any danger.

ORLANDO

Speakest thou in sober meanings?

ROSALIND

By my life, I do; which I tender dearly, though I
say I am a magician. Therefore, put you in your
best array: bid your friends; for if you will be
married to-morrow, you shall, and to Rosalind, if you will.

Enter SILVIUS and PHEBE
Look, here comes a lover of mine and a lover of hers.

PHEBE

Youth, you have done me much ungentleness,
To show the letter that I writ to you.

ROSALIND

I care not if I have: it is my study
To seem despiteful and ungentle to you:
You are there followed by a faithful shepherd;
Look upon him, love him; he worships you.

PHEBE

Good shepherd, tell this youth what 'tis to love.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of sighs and tears;
And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And I for no woman.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of faith and service;
And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And I for no woman.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of fantasy,
All made of passion and all made of wishes,
All adoration, duty, and observance,
All humbleness, all patience and impatience,
All purity, all trial, all observance;
And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And so am I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And so am I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And so am I for no woman.

PHEBE

If this be so, why blame you me to love you?

SILVIUS

If this be so, why blame you me to love you?

ORLANDO

If this be so, why blame you me to love you?

ROSALIND

Who do you speak to, 'Why blame you me to love you?'

ORLANDO

To her that is not here, nor doth not hear.

ROSALIND

Pray you, no more of this; 'tis like the howling
of Irish wolves against the moon.

To SILVIUS
I will help you, if I can:

To PHEBE
I would love you, if I could. To-morrow meet me all together.

To PHEBE
I will marry you, if ever I marry woman, and I'll be
married to-morrow:

To ORLANDO
I will satisfy you, if ever I satisfied man, and you
shall be married to-morrow:

To SILVIUS
I will content you, if what pleases you contents
you, and you shall be married to-morrow.

To ORLANDO
As you love Rosalind, meet:

To SILVIUS
as you love Phebe, meet: and as I love no woman,
I'll meet. So fare you well: I have left you commands.

SILVIUS

I'll not fail, if I live.

PHEBE

Nor I.

ORLANDO

Nor I.

Exeunt

SCENE III. The forest.

Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY

TOUCHSTONE

To-morrow is the joyful day, Audrey; to-morrow will
we be married.

AUDREY

I do desire it with all my heart; and I hope it is
no dishonest desire to desire to be a woman of the
world. Here comes two of the banished duke's pages.

Enter two Pages

First Page

Well met, honest gentleman.

TOUCHSTONE

By my troth, well met. Come, sit, sit, and a song.

Second Page

We are for you: sit i' the middle.

First Page

Shall we clap into't roundly, without hawking or
spitting or saying we are hoarse, which are the only
prologues to a bad voice?

Second Page

I'faith, i'faith; and both in a tune, like two
gipsies on a horse.
SONG.
It was a lover and his lass,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
That o'er the green corn-field did pass
In the spring time, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding:
Sweet lovers love the spring.
Between the acres of the rye,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino
These pretty country folks would lie,
In spring time, & c.
This carol they began that hour,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
How that a life was but a flower
In spring time, & c.
And therefore take the present time,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino;
For love is crowned with the prime
In spring time, & c.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, young gentlemen, though there was no great
matter in the ditty, yet the note was very
untuneable.

First Page

You are deceived, sir: we kept time, we lost not our time.

TOUCHSTONE

By my troth, yes; I count it but time lost to hear
such a foolish song. God be wi' you; and God mend
your voices! Come, Audrey.

Exeunt

SCENE IV. The forest.

Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, JAQUES, ORLANDO, OLIVER, and CELIA

DUKE SENIOR

Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy
Can do all this that he hath promised?

ORLANDO

I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;
As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

Enter ROSALIND, SILVIUS, and PHEBE

ROSALIND

Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged:
You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,
You will bestow her on Orlando here?

DUKE SENIOR

That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.

ROSALIND

And you say, you will have her, when I bring her?

ORLANDO

That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.

ROSALIND

You say, you'll marry me, if I be willing?

PHEBE

That will I, should I die the hour after.

ROSALIND

But if you do refuse to marry me,
You'll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

PHEBE

So is the bargain.

ROSALIND

You say, that you'll have Phebe, if she will?

SILVIUS

Though to have her and death were both one thing.

ROSALIND

I have promised to make all this matter even.
Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter;
You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter:
Keep your word, Phebe, that you'll marry me,
Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd:
Keep your word, Silvius, that you'll marry her.
If she refuse me: and from hence I go,
To make these doubts all even.

Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA

DUKE SENIOR

I do remember in this shepherd boy
Some lively touches of my daughter's favour.

ORLANDO

My lord, the first time that I ever saw him
Methought he was a brother to your daughter:
But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,
And hath been tutor'd in the rudiments
Of many desperate studies by his uncle,
Whom he reports to be a great magician,
Obscured in the circle of this forest.

Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY

JAQUES

There is, sure, another flood toward, and these
couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of
very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.

TOUCHSTONE

Salutation and greeting to you all!

JAQUES

Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the
motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in
the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

TOUCHSTONE

If any man doubt that, let him put me to my
purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered
a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth
with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have
had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

JAQUES

And how was that ta'en up?

TOUCHSTONE

Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the
seventh cause.

JAQUES

How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow.

DUKE SENIOR

I like him very well.

TOUCHSTONE

God 'ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I
press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country
copulatives, to swear and to forswear: according as
marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin,
sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor
humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else
will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a
poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

DUKE SENIOR

By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

TOUCHSTONE

According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.

JAQUES

But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the
quarrel on the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE

Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body more
seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike the
cut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,
if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the
mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.
If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' he
would send me word, he cut it to please himself:
this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it was
not well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this is
called the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was not
well cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: this
is called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was not
well cut,' he would say I lied: this is called the
Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie
Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.

JAQUES

And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

TOUCHSTONE

I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,
nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we
measured swords and parted.

JAQUES

Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

TOUCHSTONE

O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have
books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.
The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the
Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the
fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the
Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with
Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All
these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may
avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven
justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the
parties were met themselves, one of them thought but
of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and
they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the
only peacemaker; much virtue in If.

JAQUES

Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at
any thing and yet a fool.

DUKE SENIOR

He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under
the presentation of that he shoots his wit.

Enter HYMEN, ROSALIND, and CELIA

Still Music

HYMEN

Then is there mirth in heaven,
When earthly things made even
Atone together.
Good duke, receive thy daughter
Hymen from heaven brought her,
Yea, brought her hither,
That thou mightst join her hand with his
Whose heart within his bosom is.

ROSALIND

[To DUKE SENIOR] To you I give myself, for I am yours.

To ORLANDO
To you I give myself, for I am yours.

DUKE SENIOR

If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

ORLANDO

If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

PHEBE

If sight and shape be true,
Why then, my love adieu!

ROSALIND

I'll have no father, if you be not he:
I'll have no husband, if you be not he:
Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

HYMEN

Peace, ho! I bar confusion:
'Tis I must make conclusion
Of these most strange events:
Here's eight that must take hands
To join in Hymen's bands,
If truth holds true contents.
You and you no cross shall part:
You and you are heart in heart
You to his love must accord,
Or have a woman to your lord:
You and you are sure together,
As the winter to foul weather.
Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,
Feed yourselves with questioning;
That reason wonder may diminish,
How thus we met, and these things finish.
SONG.
Wedding is great Juno's crown:
O blessed bond of board and bed!
'Tis Hymen peoples every town;
High wedlock then be honoured:
Honour, high honour and renown,
To Hymen, god of every town!

DUKE SENIOR

O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!
Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

PHEBE

I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;
Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.

Enter JAQUES DE BOYS

JAQUES DE BOYS

Let me have audience for a word or two:
I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,
That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.
Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day
Men of great worth resorted to this forest,
Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot,
In his own conduct, purposely to take
His brother here and put him to the sword:
And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;
Where meeting with an old religious man,
After some question with him, was converted
Both from his enterprise and from the world,
His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,
And all their lands restored to them again
That were with him exiled. This to be true,
I do engage my life.

DUKE SENIOR

Welcome, young man;
Thou offer'st fairly to thy brothers' wedding:
To one his lands withheld, and to the other
A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.
First, in this forest, let us do those ends
That here were well begun and well begot:
And after, every of this happy number
That have endured shrewd days and nights with us
Shall share the good of our returned fortune,
According to the measure of their states.
Meantime, forget this new-fall'n dignity
And fall into our rustic revelry.
Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,
With measure heap'd in joy, to the measures fall.

JAQUES

Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,
The duke hath put on a religious life
And thrown into neglect the pompous court?

JAQUES DE BOYS

He hath.

JAQUES

To him will I : out of these convertites
There is much matter to be heard and learn'd.

To DUKE SENIOR
You to your former honour I bequeath;
Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:

To ORLANDO
You to a love that your true faith doth merit:

To OLIVER
You to your land and love and great allies:

To SILVIUS
You to a long and well-deserved bed:

To TOUCHSTONE
And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyage
Is but for two months victuall'd. So, to your pleasures:
I am for other than for dancing measures.

DUKE SENIOR

Stay, Jaques, stay.

JAQUES

To see no pastime I what you would have
I'll stay to know at your abandon'd cave.

Exit

DUKE SENIOR

Proceed, proceed: we will begin these rites,
As we do trust they'll end, in true delights.

A dance
EPILOGUE

ROSALIND

It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue;
but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord
the prologue. If it be true that good wine needs
no bush, 'tis true that a good play needs no
epilogue; yet to good wine they do use good bushes,
and good plays prove the better by the help of good
epilogues. What a case am I in then, that am
neither a good epilogue nor cannot insinuate with
you in the behalf of a good play! I am not
furnished like a beggar, therefore to beg will not
become me: my way is to conjure you; and I'll begin
with the women. I charge you, O women, for the love
you bear to men, to like as much of this play as
please you: and I charge you, O men, for the love
you bear to women--as I perceive by your simpering,
none of you hates them--that between you and the
women the play may please. If I were a woman I
would kiss as many of you as had beards that pleased
me, complexions that liked me and breaths that I
defied not: and, I am sure, as many as have good
beards or good faces or sweet breaths will, for my
kind offer, when I make curtsy, bid me farewell.

Exeunt

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